Dispensing with the notion that a partner’s interactions with others are axiomatically a threat to one’s relationshtp, sure. Getting rid of the emotional signals for “The resources this relationship needs are going somewhere else”? Terrible idea.

Seconded.

I also want to say, Roy, that some of your language is similar in tone to the anti-poly and anti-BDSM comments I’ve seen–there’s more than a fair bit of shaming in your comment. People who want to be in a monogamous relationship don’t necessarily think they own their partners or that their partners own them. It also doesn’t mean that they aren’t “free.” You can be in a relationship where you’re free to be with other people but still not free at all–if, for example, a partner is emotionally abusive or manipulative. People are going to feel what they feel, and dismissing them and deriding them for being human isn’t helpful at all.

Dispensing with the notion that a partner’s interactions with others are axiomatically a threat to one’s relationshtp, sure. Getting rid of the emotional signals for “The resources this relationship needs are going somewhere else”? Terrible idea.

Once that is internalized, it’s easy to see how jealousy is “carefully taught” by the culture; but really no more natural that going into fits over which “race” you are sharing a drinking fountain with. Almost the whole of “romance” literature is predicated on a wholly unnecessary conflict for affections.

Once you value your partners freedom, and dispense with jealousy, the rest is pretty easy. You no longer see the outside world as representing a danger to your relationship. Of course, that doesn’t mean you don’t rate some sort of priority in the relationship – and it is well to reflect on how much are willing to give to one person in getting motivated to do that for others. That is one of the ways Poly keeps your perspectives fresh and reminds you of how valuable your other relationships, especially primary ones, are.

Somegirl:Ah, I’m sure that must have been a little odd. I’m pretty lucky in that my sweetie’s primary relationship has been opened out for ten years now. He’s a little bit practiced, y’know? ;-)

Coco Bucungo, I agree with Frau Sally Benz, and Dw3t-Hthr, and I’m a bit surprised you could think otherwise after my post. If I hadn’t been drawn to my sweetie, right now I wouldn’t be in a poly relationship, probably. Now that I am a secondary, and have had the time and space to think it all through, I really like the whole poly thing, and it suits my temperament, I think. But I don’t go out thinking ‘now, must find a primary.’ I meet people, we get chatting, if I’m drawn to them, I’m drawn to them. Sure, I’ve had issues where I’ve explained I’m seeing one person, and totally up for getting entangled with someone else, and had people place me firmly in the box of ‘friends but no more’. Which is obviously their call. In fact, in many ways, there’s more freedom to pursue possible love interests. And being deliriously happily in love with two or three or four or more people… well, that seems like a pretty good deal to me!

I once saw a childfree woman say, “And people keep saying to me, ‘What if you meet Mr. Right and he wants children?’ I respond, ‘If he wants children, he’s not Mr. Right.’” It’s a lot like that, for me.

I once ran into a guy who told me that I would be the perfect woman if I were monogamous, something like thirty pounds heavier, and … hrr, something else I’ve forgotten. And, y’know, good luck to him with that. I’m not those things, though, and it would take a hell of a situation to make me feel it was worth seeing if I could be someone else.

I meet people sometimes. If they’re shiny, I ask them if they want to pursue some sort of romantic relationship with me. I don’t agree to things I don’t understand (like monogamy). Those are my rules and regulations. I don’t see a comparison there to the “I’m looking for someone to fill the husband slot”, really. I don’t even know how to date.

As Eleanor described in her post, she didn’t really go seeking out a nonmonogamous relationship. For me too, when I met my guy, I wanted to be with him regardless of our relationship style. Now that we’re in this style, we’re realizing the great benefits of it and applying them.

I know people whose preference is meeting somebody who is nonmonogamous as well, but if they meet somebody they’re compatible with who isn’t nonmonogamous, they try that out as well.

In my opinion, it’s about more options, not about limitations.