I haven’t encountered much street harassment in the U.S., and similar to the original post, I felt unprepared for what I experienced in India. It’s a conversation I’ve tried to have with other female friends in the U.S. — do you eventually get used to it, or develop a thicker skin? Honestly, it rattled me so much that I would have second thoughts before I traveled there alone again. And it makes me feel like I’m a chicken — I am proud of the fact that I’ve traveled alone in many places, and I feel like a confident solo traveler who keeps her wits about her, but I felt like I had no shield to deflect any of the hassling in India when I was traveling alone.

In the U.S., I’ve also occasionally experienced some homophobic street harassment, which is terrifying. Rude “lesbian” gestures, carloads of men yelling “fuckin’ dykes!,” groups of men yelling “that’s not a dude, that’s a chick!,” etc. All of the homophobic harassment I’ve encountered has been from groups of men — never single individuals.

I despise street harassment so intensely – I think I visibly ID as queer to most people, especially people who live in cities/towns with lots of queer folks, so when I am harassed on the street I am flooded with a fear that this situation is going to balloon into an assault of some sort – a hate crime, sexual assault, etc. If it is strictly catcalling, I find it easier to shake off in the U.S., and easier to be indignant about, but the homophobic comments make me feel paralyzed with fear.

You girls are really going to miss the attention when you stop getting it.

Not.

One of the wonderful things about aging (one of the only wonderful things) is the downturn in street harassment. I had an interesting moment a couple months’ ago: I walked by a group of young men outside a bodega, late at night, and realized that ten years ago I’d have crossed the street to avoid them, to avoid the combination of rage, fear and humiliation I’d always feel when getting catcalled and groped. Now I can just sail on by, invisible.

And as to the invisibility of middle-aged women: I haven’t found it that extreme in other contexts. I have young male co-workers chat with me, even though I’m past “fuckable” – decent guys are willing to be friendly with women they’re not attracted to, because generally speaking, people are social creatures who enjoy other people’s company. I frequently have friendly conversations with men who work behind the counters at delis and stores. What I don’t have any more is that “power” that young girls and women are supposed to value in lieu of real power – no one flirts with me, or acts overly chivalrous, or stops in their tracks to ogle me. But since this kind of “power” never translated into any real power or financial gain, but only the expectation that I should appreciate and expect sexual come-ons and subsequent anger at my rejection and the expectation that I should show proper appreciation for the supposed (and unrequested) perks that my youth and prettiness brought , it’s not a “power” that I particularly miss.

So, to the younger women here – if you ever have an inkling of doubt when someone says “you’ll hate it when the compliments stop” – chances are, you won’t. It’s quite freeing to transition from being seen as a piece of ass to being just a pedestrian. I suspect it might be sort of like what life is like for boys and men. It’s almost like being a human being!

Well, that certainly sounds equitable!

In fact, why don’t we just invent social rules to apply to people we’ve never met, then get offended when they don’t follow them?

Clearly a more constructive approach is to get really, really angry, and then write a blog about it. That’ll show them!

“I can’t imagine any police officer giving you a problem for hitting a dude who’s being aggressive with you with liquid CS though, unless it’s illegal in NYC.”

Henry, theres two things you need to know. First, your privilege is showing. Maybe you’ve had nothing but positive experiences with police and can’t imagine them being assholes, but I’d be willing to wager you’re of the race and class (not to mention gender) that the police are expected to serve. In Chicago, at least, I can all but promise you that if you’re a woman who maces someone you’ll end up in county unless there was absolutely no ambiguity in the situation (and even then…). Thats before we even consider that a male cop looking at a maced cat-caller is pretty likely to see using mace as an overreaction, especially if he’s made cat-calls himself.

Second, not too many years ago I was the victim of an attempted mugging involving CS spray as a weapon. While it wasn’t pleasant, I also wasn’t mugged and was able to defend myself. Its not a magic bullet that will put a large, aggressive man in his place and let the little lady walk off with her honor (or whatever the fantasy you’re having is). So hows about when you hear women who have lived through this say that a violent reaction is dangerous to them, you sit down and listen rather than explain why they’re being foolish and why you can save the day?

Henry, I’m glad you can’t imagine it, but trust me–women LIVE this. We don’t have to imagine it, and don’t need the advice from men who don’t deal with it on a daily basis.

Maybe you peeps should instead of bitching about catcalls, learn to walk with some power. You can never feel powerless without giving someone the permission to make you feel that way.

Well aren’t you a special fucking snowflake, B-Rex. Oddly enough, I’ve been told that I was targeted by catcallers BECAUSE I walk like I “own the world” and so they “naturally” met the challenge I presented. Stop acting like a victim-blaming douche maggot. FFS, women saying street harassment pisses them off isn’t giving the catcallers permission to make us feel powerless.

Oh, and BTW? I know of women who got assaulted and who got in a shitload of trouble for getting physical with a groper. Again, fuck off with your super-special superiority complex. And this comes from someone who chased a groper (who was on his bike) and have kicked the crap out of gropers. Difference is, I don’t tell women they ask for it by not walking with power or that they’re victim-tripping for feeling crappy with having to deal with this shit in the first place. Do kindly shove your judgemental bullshit where the sun doesn’t shine.

People.

No, you didn’t internalize it. You externalized it, you pushed the leftover contempt and anger onto other women, who haven’t done anything wrong. That’s no better than internalizing it, and don’t pretend it is.

Hey, but now she totally is one of the guys! It’s awesome! All she has to do is show her contempt for other women and she’s in the club! (Where she’ll be totally safe, I’m sure. Turning on other women to curry favor with misogynist assholes always works out really well for women, yanno? 9.9)

Regarding standing up for women on the street; I’d probably really appreciate it if a guy told off another guy who was giving me grief. But then he has to *not* talk to me or approach me afterwards. Then it’s too much like one bear scaring off another bear so it can eat the kill (even if it’s intended to be comforting.) You can be pretty sure I’ll appreciate the help even if you don’t get your knight-onna-white-horse moment, and hey, it’s certainly possible that I’ll approach *you* to say thanks anyways. :)

No, you didn’t internalize it. You externalized it, you pushed the leftover contempt and anger onto other women, who haven’t done anything wrong. That’s no better than internalizing it, and don’t pretend it is.

Shoving it right back in men’s faces is fantastic, but don’t throw the leftovers at us.