Yes – the wife reported the abuse to appropriate officials, who then did nothing to prevent further abuse, let alone punish the perpetrator.

And one more thing… I wish we weren’t discussing the Amish here as if they’re the freaking FLDS. Yes, they are a patriarchal religion, but no, I haven’t seen any evidence that this kind of crime is endemic within Amish communities. This story involves one culprit; I don’t think there’s any reason to make tacit assumptions that this happens in Amish communities anymore frequently than it happens in the so-called “English world.” It’s a culture that’s quite foreign to a great many of us, but it isn’t the FLDS. There’s no systemic evidence of child marriage or child abuse.

SECONDED. Bad enough that abuse and sexual assault is ignored and minimized, the survivors are then pilloried for having the gall to call the cops because the perps might suffer? What about the suffering of the abused?

Marja, what abusers do the abused still haunts them years after. Do they not count to you?

Meanwhile, I spent time in my youth and as an adult wishing that someone would think I was a worthwhile enough human being to call the cops on the behalf of. Shit, when I left my (ex) husband, and he came back and tried to kill me, the first thing to go in the fight was the phone from off the wall. It was a full apartment building, and there was a whole lot of noise coming from my apartment—but no one called 911. And really—whatever the intention—that act of not calling prioritized his life over mine. Even though it was crystal clear what was taking place. How do such people justify that? How do they go to sleep at night, knowing that they turned their back?

Marja E, how do we bridge that gap between us—your perspective and mine? I have spent my life wondering why people are more eager to excuse, forgive, accommodate, and understand abusers rather than support, protect and defend the abused. The mental gymnastics required to do so, especially in the name of “justice” or “peace”, astound me. It places yet one more burden on our backs. And I’m done. I’m not carrying that burden. I am not going to shoulder that burden of being on the receiving end of someone else’s violence because of the trauma he’s experienced, or might experience. Screw that. And I am damn sure not teaching that toxic form of relations to my daughter (she came along several years after I was divorced—a lifetime ago, so no…she hasn’t had that experience).

In other words, I finally learned how to value myself in the absence of outside validation. And I’m sure the hell not going back. When I see a pimp beating a prostitute, I call the cops. A husband beating his wife, I call the cops. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Yep, the cops. Because of all those years I wished someone had done the same for me. Am I a snitch? Fuckin’ A. I’m prioritizing the life of the woman over the man who makes himself feel better by hitting her.

I have been through a lot of pain, but what those cops did to me years ago still haunts me. I wanted to die, and when I’m triggered too hard, a few times per year, I want to die to get away from it.

Yeeaaahhh, because nothing keeps the peace quite like an abuse victim having to shut up and take more abuse, right?

Look, Marja E. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t mean that how it sounded. I’m a survivor of domestic violence, both as a child and teenager (father) and adult (husband). When I hear a statement like that, I hear, “it’s more important that Lubu’s (father, husband) not have to risk the possible physical violence inherent in arrest and prosecution than it is for Lubu not be abused.” Because y’know, it’s not like I never asked not to be hit anymore.

And I’m going to be very, very, blunt here. The Amish are WHITE. The chances of any man going to prison for beating his wife is pretty damn small. The chances of a white man having to endure police brutality for beating his wife is slim to none. Meanwhile, the chances of the wife having to endure more (and increasingly violent) beatings is 99.9999999% positive.

Any church that condones domestic violence, either explicitly or implicitly, by words or by actions, is NOT a fucking “peace church.” Amen, and amen.

Furthermore, in cases where the mom is the non-abusive parent (and a father is offending) we need to be aware of the tendency of our society to place more responsibility for the welfare and protection of the child on the mother. For example, I have heard many horror stories in my state of non-abusive mothers being beaten by the father of their children, and the children getting taken away from the mother for failure to protect the child from witnessing the abuse. This isn’t quite the same as the child suffering from sexual abuse, but still relevant, I think.

One final issue, is that people who aid and abet sexual abuse often hold the same rape myths that the general population holds. A father couldn’t do that to their own child, the victim somehow brought it upon themselves, etc. Or, if they believe the abuse occurred and warrants criminal action, they care subject to the same fears about seeking help that survivors have- fear of putting their child through the trauma of reporting and testifying, fear of violations of their privacy, fear of breaking up the family.

This doesn’t by any means condone knowing about the abuse and letting it go on, but it makes me think that continuing to educate and raise awareness and limit barriers to seeking-help would be more effective than criminal prosecution.

So, yes, I agree they should be accountable, and yes, I agree that it is one big mess in figuring out how to do that. Very interesting topic for discussion.

in my opinion, it matters more if the person doing the ignoring had some degree of responsibility for the abused — a teacher, a doctor, a parent, etc), and the relative power of the abuser over the person who knew and did nothing

The law agrees with you concerning teachers and health care providers, and I think day care providers too – they’re subject to mandatory abuse reporting. Of course, it’s difficult to try to extend laws like these to parents. For one thing, as you point out, potential abuse reporters are often victims themselves. For another, teachers and health care providers receive training about spotting abuse their responsibility to report it.