Thanks to conversations like this, I’ve been thinking about progressive parenthood and what I can do to ease my son’s confusion about the world around him.
My boy just turned ten years old (long time readers of this blog, yes, you are old) and he is an absolute joy. He’s still affectionate with his mama, and doesn’t hesitate to give kisses or hold my hand or talk to me about the dramas in his life. It’s pretty great. We take long walks together in the evening and this is our talking time, the space we make available to discuss our lives and ask for opinions and share our secrets without the distractions of our home duties nagging at the corners of our minds. Sometimes Ethan shares stories about his classmates at school, often about one in particular who was once his friend but has morphed into E’s worst enemy.
I was never fond of this other kid, or his family for that matter. Culturally conservative and very religious, they were all very vocal about the kinds of traditional values that make me cringe: strict gender roles, authoritative parenting, support for political measures that amount to very thinly veiled racist beliefs. Ethan, being the child of a feminist and a child of color, was skeptical about some of the things this other child had to say about women or Latin@s for example, and when their friendship ended exchanged some words with the kid that amounted to E calling out the other kid for being “unfair” to others for superficial reasons. Which then led to the kid mocking Ethan’s name and race. Ethan, responding with humor, mocked the kid right back. “Yeah, but you’re German, dude!” And with a startlingly accurate gutteral accent, “Ach, ach, ach, nicht, nicht, nicht, ach, ach, ach, nicht!“ According to Ethan’s report, the children on the playground that witnessed this argument sided mostly with Ethan.
It might be a tad problematic from my adult perspective, but heartening as well. E knew the kid was in the wrong, and he defended himself in a way that revealed the absurdity of bigotry.
I reminded him later that he is also quite German.
On our walks we talk a lot about what it means to live in the world compromised by discrimination. This means I have a child who knows words like “discrimination” and “sexism” and “accessibility” and can use them appropriately. I’m always on the look for teachable moments, and do what I can to make them worthwhile.
The time we saw a working dog in training at the grocery store? A perfect time to talk about working animals, disability, accessibility.
The time the boys at the birthday party didn’t want to watch “Coraline” because they said it was a “girl movie”? A perfect time to talk about masculinity and homosociality and sexism. Also a time to discuss our shared appreciation of a Good Story.
The time E accidentally let a curse word slip in front of me, despite being a TOTAL CURSE WORD PRUDE? A perfect time to talk about appropriate social venues for certain language. And we don’t really care at home within reason. And don’t tell Grandma I said that.
The time E wanted to know if my friend was a boy or a girl? The perfect time to discuss not only the performance and creation of gender, but also to discuss that we have loved ones who are queer and that they face discrimination and diminished equality because of bigotry.
The time Ethan asked, “If the baby is inside the mom, how the hell does it get out?” SEX TALK.
When he slips into bigoted commentary? I challenge it in a friendly but pointed way that (I hope) encourages him to reconsider the bases of his thought.
When I explain my values I am passionate (AACS is so cool!) but keep it age appropriate (not using the word “phallologocentric” but talking about linguistics and what words imply). He feels free to come to me about any questions he has about the world, and I think one of the reasons he does is that I’ve been nothing but open to discussion. Especially on our walks.
There has been a lot of discussion about parenting and feminism in the femosphere over the last few years, and I wanted to open space on the blog again so we can discuss how to teach our children our values. It’s one thing to say that we ought to teach our children our progressive values, but it’s another thing in the details of actually doing it. And if you’re not a parent, tell us how you were taught. What works?
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My daughter’s only 4 months old*, so teaching moments aren’t here quite yet. At the moment, we’re sticking with telling her that she’s loved, strong, and clever and trying to clothe her in a variety of colors.
When I was growing up, I think one of the most important things my parents taught me was that not every family does things the way that yours does, and that’s fine. But if someone else’s way involves hurting others in any way, that’s not fine. It’s not a particularly nuanced lesson, but it’s been invaluable in dealing with so many different situations.
*and currently sleeping soundly in my arms, looking unspeakably cute
My folks differ from me politically, but the one thing they NEVER suggested was that I should live a compromised life as a girl. They always emphasized that I was clever and strong and a worthwhile human being. Both of my older sisters introduced me specifically to feminism when I was a kid, and that opened ideological doors that were very important to who I am today. All of a sudden I realized why the baseball field was so much nicer than the softball field, and why it sucked so damned much.
I was really happy to read this post.
My daughter is 13 months and I am seeing that the teachable moments are everywhere right now. As her first words gain form, I realize they are the words she hears the most – the words my husband and I say. Her actions reflect the actions she sees us taking. This is incredible. Its also huge and scarry.
Breaking the cycle isnt easy but it became so much fun when I realized there are no rules. Progressive parenting means just that – progress – and so whatever our definition of progress is for the evolution of our family, we are able to shape. In my case, its to raise my daughter in the values of happiness, feeling good about herself, compassion and respect for others and her limitless possibility to create. Its about being healthy and connected.
I was raised in the same notion of progress but progress was defined differently. Progress was living in a nice home in a town that gave us a great education and put us in college. And it did, it led me to a Womens Studies degree and an ethos that is fundamental to the person I am today and the environment my daughter will be raised in.
And so even this early on, I know where we aren’t particularly mainstream and so we seek out other parents who parent with these same values in mind. Parents who parent in a way that understands and revels in their child’s individuality and families that embrace culture and all its delights. Its fun.
And Im thrilled to have a daughter to raise to feel good about her body and make sure she knows she is a goddess, with all the power that comes along with it. She will be raised to feel confident in her instincts and abilities. And hopefully, she will never doubt the strength of the female collective.
wow. If I can be half as good a mother as you when I have kids, I will have done my job right. :) I hope Ethan stays strong in his beliefs!
Go mom!
It seems like just yesterday than Ethan was seven. Wow.
I have a three-year-old daughter who lives with me and a five-year-old son who lives with his (purportedly Goddess-worshipping but quite misogynistic and Goddess-neglecting) father. This gets rather complicated with my son because he’s being raised in a very heteronormative (despite, or perhaps because, of his father’s former status as a mid-transition MTF – he stopped *because* of our son, which grieved me, but is his choice), male-dominant mindset, and he’s a couple thousand miles away, which makes it nigh impossible to do much about it.
My daughter, however, I have the freedom to teach, and I do try, but at her age it’s as simple as telling her that the other kids are wrong and girls can wear Spiderman undies, too, that no absolutely means no, stopping touching her (or tickling or whatever) the very second she says “no” (gotta reinforce that message!), and asking her questions about what she wants in order to make her comfortable articulating thoughts rather than teaching her that her opinion isn’t wanted. She has places where she is and isn’t comfortable being tickled, and will immediately let you know if she wants you to stop, and will get very indignant if others don’t listen right away, and it brings me joy to hear that because I see her as being that much less likely to allow others into her physical space against her will the way that women so often do in the name of politeness (which has been at least partially responsible for my being raped before).
I’m starting to get more upset at the messages she’s bringing home from school, though; it’s beginning to get more pervasive, and I’m really grieving the loss of the androgynous-child honeymoon. She may hear at home that, say, girls can be Spiderman and wear whatever they want, but if she keeps on hearing these messages elsewhere I really don’t know how much impact I can have; I’m not the one who will be granting the ever-important social approval when she’s older. It’s a sad world, and I wish I could keep her innocent – not in perma-child state where she never experiences life in that creepy fundie Christian way, but in a state of unawareness of the roles people are expected to play based on their appearance.
First I wanted to say how much I loved and appreciated this post. The unhusband and I are not traditional parents and we get a lot of flack for that. One of the ways in which I choose to challenge heterosexuality as the norm, is never to refer to my childrens future partner as wife or girlfriend. We often say unspouse or partner. I refuse to allow people to speculate about what kind of girl they are going to be with.
When my oldest wanted to learn Karate we found him a female sensai. We felt it was important for him to see women in positions of authority. We have asked people to live our home for using phrases like “that’s so gay”. We correct language like girl/boy as well go out of our way to challenge any racist messages or imagery they get from the school.
We are constantly talking. We turn everyday experiences into teachable moments. Each night when we sit at the dinner table, that is our time to sit and talk as a family and commiserate about our day. It is a wonderful time and has lead to many great discussions. We try to start most conversations by asking them what they think. This lets them know that their opinions are important to us, while leaving the door open for exchanging ideas. I don’t have it all down but I believe that it all starts with lots of time together as a family and constant conversation.
“The time we saw a working dog in training at the grocery store? A perfect time to talk about working animals, disability, accessibility.”
Thank you! I’ve had several parents get pissed with because I won’t let their child play with my dog.
@thetroubleis
The first time we saw a guide dog together, it was my son that told me not to approach the animal. It seems that they have a blind person at the school with a guide dog and so the children there have all been taught how to relate to service animals. I think that it is a valuable lesson and parents that get upset, need to wake up and smell the stink of their own privilege.
Parenting, you’re doing it right.
We transmit our values through talking and modeling. One of my children is pagan because she thinks God should come in Mommy and Daddy just like her parents do and the idea of just a Daddy-God doesn’t work for her.
We’ve dealt with everything from coming out to mental illness to minority religion. As the kids get older, a lot of it is being approachable.
I was neither liberal nor feminist when my older kids were preschoolers so every sex talk started “when you are a grownup lady with a husband of your own.” Now, my sex talks with the 17 end up “You must use this power to make men walk into walls ONLY for good.” We try to teach sexual ethics consistent with our religious ones (Harm none).
My 14 year old son has more problems than his sister, despite her being out of closet and broom closet. He deals with heterosexism, homophobia and racism daily. He has a friend. He’s the only one who has kept this child as a friend since 9/11. The kid is Lebanese and looks it, so the other kids are horrible to him. Of course, this is my kid who went to school one fine April day in a skirt. He corrects friends who say “that’s so gay,” using wit to make them think.
This is in spite of being raised conservative Christian/Quiverfull with homeschooling involved.
The younger ones, they have it a little easier than their sibs did. They’re in a household where Mom drives a truck and Dad teaches school, where we find a Thanksgiving grace for pagan Mom, Christian dad and atheist brother all at the same time, where everyone does dishes and laundry and garden work.
@ all of you
Thanks for sharing. I haven’t decided yet if I ever want kids, but it’s something that percolates a lot in my mind recently. One of the points against is the fear that it’d be impossible to really raise a kid the way I’d imagine it, so hearing others pulling it off sounds good to me.
Oh man, you give me hope with posts like this. My son is four and still so sweet, and we are working really hard to raise him as a good person and feminist. But we can see conflicts; he goes to preschool, and came home with a lot of “pink is for girls” stuff which could have come from other boys or from the teacher (I think the kids, though, the teachers seem pretty cool). I know for a fact from birthday parties we’ve gone to that his classmates are already WAY into pink/Hannah Montana and blue/ Spiderman/Wolverine, to the point that their parents have taken them to these movies, which boggles my mind. Spiderman and Wolverine movies are way too violent for 4-year-olds! And Hannah Montana is messed up for other reasons.
Anyway, we seem to have inadvertantly prevented some of this by being too poor for cable, and so he doesn’t really see much in the way of toy commercials telling him what he’s supposed to want to play with. We don’t go to movies yet, because I want him to really enjoy the experience. He likes Thomas, and riding his bike, and legos. His Daddy does a lot of the cooking, and he likes helping me when I do home repair. I have such hopes for the man he will be, but fears that going to public school will, at some point, make him turn himself into a girl-hating “regular” boy. :(
I love, love, love reading about awesome feminist parents doing their best to raise awesome feminist kids. So thanks, y’all.
and OMG Ethan is 10? man I haven’t even been reading anywhere close to the whole time and I’m still like, whoa. of course I still can’t believe that my little brother is in college now.
@Renee
It’s not even that I mind a small child pointing out a dog in the store, that’s fine, that’s fine, it’s the anger that I won’t let someone get their dog fix. Grown-ass adults doing drive by petting is just rude.
Normally, if I have time and I notice a kid watching, I’ll ask them and the parent if they want to meet Figaro. I don’t do it often, because I don’t want him soliciting attention when I need him, but I think it’s so important to reach children, considering they are going to grow up and need to know about the world.
Opps, sorry for the redundancy.
Lauren, that was a wonderful post. The bond between parents and children is so incredible at times.
We’ve tried to keep 2 goals in mind while raising my son and daughter.
First, the main goal is to raise an independent adult. By this we mean a person who has the basic skill set to pursue a career and to live life as an independent adult without the support of their parents.
Second, is to basically instill a number of ethical principles that we want our children to have as part of their adult life. These include basic principles such as respect and kindness, with a good dose of defending what you believe to be true.
I’ve really come over the years to try to separate out my own ideological positions from some of my goals as a parent. I would rather my children come to such beliefs on their own. I think it is helpful to remember that you are going to disagree with your children on some things as they get older. The goal isn’t indoctrination, as much as it is making sure they have the ability to understand the world in their own manner and on their own timeframe. In some respects, if my children agree with me politically etc., that is just gravy. I’d rather disagree with my children (if we both believe we have good reasons for our disagreement) than to have them agree with me because we pushed them in that direction.
As an aside, we have also been big proponents of “positive discipline”. I believe it has been one of the most important decisions we made early in the process. At times it is difficult, but I think it has paid dividends.
Aw, sounds like you have a great relationship.
Thanks Lauren for opening up a thread on parenting in a feminist space. I linked into your Sex Talk post and was glad that you used the word ‘tunnel’ for vagina as I used the very same word yesterday with my seven year old boys. Wasn’t sure if it was a good enough word, but it just suited so all good :)
As a single parent everything comes down to me, and I really feel the pressure at times, but I think it also gives me the added opportunity to really know my boys better than if I was sharing them. (maybe not, perhaps that is me making lemonade?!?) I do sometimes feel that the responsibility that I as a parent potentially have such power over my boys really really overwhelming. I don’t really remember stuff said in the school yard when I was a kid, but I really remember stuff my mum said – especially the negative stuff.
Basically, my parenting style differs slightly with my two (identical twin) sons as they have different personalities. For me, good parenting depends on firstly unconditional love, and secondly on listening and picking up on all the non-verbal things as well as verbal. I used to be so annoyed at the rubbish they came home with from the school yard, but now see them as great things. My boys know enough (mostly) to know what is odd or different from what we practice at home, so bring these things up and we can discuss them. My perspective on swearing is that I explain what the word means and have built up a dialogue that there is a time and a place for everything. I’m not that bothered at home, but have said it is better to try and use other words in case a swear word slips out as school, or somewhere place where it is inappropriate – like my mother’s house!! But I would never do the washing out of swearing mouth – like my mother did.
Positive parenting is brilliant – especially when I have two children and can praise the child behaving well and (try) to ignore the child behaving badly. I have always used the naughty step as well – it gives a much needed time out – and as I didn’t overuse it then my boys really knew they had overstepped the mark when they were sitting there! Discipline is such a tricky thing to get in balance, and the naughty step has really been out grown and I am looking for different methods now. I’ve tried a few things, but mostly now I award ’special stars’ for brill behaviour which add up to extra pocket money. Anything you could suggest would be gratefully received!! I suppose I should add here that any kind of smacking is to me a terrible way of parenting. There is no need for physical violence anywhere, to anyone, in any circumstance.
I try not to dictate my beliefs on my children, so this takes time discussing things and letting my boys come to conclusions which are (hopefully) based on an equality mindset. It’s all about taking the myriad opportunities presented every day and promoting fairness – which children are inherently all about anyway.
As for the sex ed – the opportunity came up when mine were six. I couldn’t answer their questions anymore with the basic ‘the man gives the woman a seed’ etc. and I was able to describe things in a way that fitted with their understanding. This has been built on since and is an ongoing thing, as is all types of education.
It struck me from reading some of the posts above that the word beautiful isn’t used, I assume because it can be problematic in feminist terms – especially to girls. But, I tell my boys all the time that they are beautiful – both inside and out – and would do for a girl as well. Self-confidence isn’t something that I have in spades, but I am hoping that my boys have a lot more than me.
And finally (I have written way more than I meant to), I firmly believe that is important to NEVER read any parenting books. One of my sons asked me earlier this week how I learnt to be a mummy – and I had to search for an answer – which was having children taught me how to be a mummy – I learn from my children every day how to be a better person, and I hope they do from me.
NB Books are a great resource. Unfornuately I had a boyfriend with severe mental health problems last year and I got The Sad Book by Michael Rosen, which is one of the best books ever for kids.
Thank you so much for that post. I don’t have children myself, but I just today asked my mother what exactly she “did” in raising me and my younger brother:
I abhorred pink (and dresses! and skirts!) even with seven; felt my world unravel when a teacher suggested in 7th grade that perhaps, as a girl, I just wasn’t meant to understand maths (until then, the thought that there could be a difference between boys and girls other then in bodily appearance didn’t cross my mind); and grew up a woman with a healthy body image. My brother self-defined as a feminist up from age 15 and has, to my knowledge, never even had a degrading thought about women in his life (but went in several fights with his peers when they uttered degrading sentiments).
My mother, who was born in 1937, in an age long before the word “gender” even was around (at least not in Europe :-)), had a surprisingly simple answer: “Oh – I didn’t raise a girl and a boy. I raised human beings. I raised you in the hope that you’d turn out people I’d like to be friends with. ”
I wish all of you out there who are trying to rise human beings the best luck – you’ve my greatest respect.
“Oh – I didn’t raise a girl and a boy. I raised human beings. I raised you in the hope that you’d turn out people I’d like to be friends with. ”
That’s so lovely miss_ada – think that will stay with me for a long time.
Awful what your math teacher said.
Miss_ada:
I like your mum’s theory a LOT. Please tell her this for all of us. :) It does, of course, help that your mum was obviously a fantastically decent human being herself.
No kids myself, but several youngsters I see on a semi-regular basis — mainly the kids of friends, so I don’t get that much input. So far so good, with the possible exception of so bloody much pink/blue gendering crap. But I guess it’s pretty hard to get away from. My hats are off to parents running that gauntlet these days. You are braver than I by far.
laurie in mpls, earwicga:
thanks for the compliments, which I promptly passed on. and although my mother still doesn’t fully understand this strange concept of “blogs” and “online communities” :), she feels very honoured …!
Let me start this response by thanking you for opening this space to discuss feminist parenting. It is perhaps the most important thing that feminist women and men can do.
I am not a mother (but I want to be a mother one day), and I am a feminist who is also Christian. Given the first disclosure, I am able only to speculate about the practical nuances of feminist parenting (and make known my own optimistic hopes). Given the second disclosure, I feel I must take a moment to describe how I am able to live a life that is both Christian and feminist (since I feel it is a common misconception that Christianity and feminism are incompatible, especially when it comes to parenting).
In my experience, the core principles of feminism are highly compatible with Christianity. By insisting on the primacy of experience and bodily existence, the dignity of individual women as well as men and women everywhere, and naming the systemic nature of hetero/sexism, racism, and bigotry, feminism is a practical way of living a concretely Christian life.
Christianity (as I experience it) is not a check-list of beliefs, but a way of living in the world to bring about justice. Broadly speaking, Christianity is not incompatible with feminism.
Christianity insists on the primacy of experience and bodily existence (otherwise, the Incarnation of God in human form would be worth very little). Christianity insists on the worth of individual human lives (otherwise, why should so many Christians be concerned with eliminating hunger and poverty?). Christianity insists that the nature of what we call “sin” is systemic: like racism, bigotry, and hetero/sexism, it happens at a deeper social level than mere instances of bigoted speech or sexist actions.
Does this mean that Christianity (as it is practiced today… or ever) is perfect? No. Unfortunately, you still have Christians out there who believe that biology informs gender roles, or who believe that God has a [male] gender, or worse, who believe that physical ability is a sign of God’s favor or dis-favor. But these are not all Christians, thank goodness, and I believe it is possible to raise children with feminist principles while still maintaining a robust Christian practice.
But I am still optimistic that we can raise our children to be feminists. I am so glad that many of you find teachable moments where you not only model feminist behavior but also have your children speak for themselves and formulate their own opinions. I am especially hopeful that we can teach our children to name and combat bigotry, wherever it is found. Thank you for setting a really great example. :)
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