Hey, you guys, it is almost Thanksgiving! A holiday when we give THANKS for things! I’m sure you all have things that you will be thanking, this fine holiday season. But I have an addition to your list! Have you considered thanking… MEN?????
Yeah, me neither. But that is just TOO BAD, because there is an exceedingly cranky man by the name of James Delingpole in the UK Telegraph who has a severe problem with you all for not thanking Men enough. Because I get that it is holiday time, and you may be busy, I shall sum up. Because this article is profoundly unworthy of serious consideration, I shall sum up in the manner of an old-timey prospector: CONSARNIT GOLDARN WOMAN ALWAYS WANTIN’ ME TO TAKE OUT THE DAGNABBED GARBAGE MAKES ME MADDER’N A TWO-LEGGED MULE AT A HOOTENANNY.
Anyway, someone did a study showing that women nag dudes about housework because they are all guilty about their superfulfilling postfeminist career-lady lifestyles, or something. Not touching it, y’all. I don’t have time for examining a study carefully right now. Thankfully, neither did James Delingpole. Because guess who just decided to complain about doing his chores? With, like, a bizarre fantasy world of whimsy and wonderment involved also?
Do you have any Spanner Fairies in your household? In our home we’ve got loads. We must do, for I can’t think of any other explanation as to how all the tedious male-oriented chores get done. It’s the Spanner Fairies who go round the house last thing at night, checking the downstairs doors and windows are locked; and it’s the Spanner Fairies who are in charge of putting out the rubbish and getting the car fixed and [blah blah blah enjoy my mystical world of elves and orcs and anyway SPANNER FAIRIES] are the biggest contributor to the household budget, slogging their guts out day-in, day-out so that delightful Wife, adorable Kids, and utterly useless, lazy Husband can be watered, fed and housed.
So why, you ask, don’t these poor Spanner Fairies get more credit?
Uh, because you made them up? Oh, no, wait: I see what you’re doing. You clever rogue, you! It turns out that you have to do CHORES! That must be TERRIBLE! And you don’t get a shiny gold trophy full of chocolate and hugs each and every time you complete one! Say, James Delingpole, is there any more or less completely unrelated social movement that you can blame for this?
After four decades of feminist drivel stigmatising men as inept, workshy, uncommunicative neanderthals whose only significant inventions are rape and war, it’s about time someone spoke up in our defence.
Consider how men are now portrayed in films, books, adverts, and sitcoms from Men Behaving Badly to Friends.
THEORY: This column has been lodged within James Delingpole since the mid-’90s. Medical professionals have only now extracted it. This explains both reference points and odor.
Or maybe, in the mystical world of the Spanner Fairies, Friends is still relevant! Could be either one, really.
[Always] it’s the boys who are feckless, one-track-minded, chauvinistic and basic, while the girls are invariably the much put-upon omnicompetents who do all the real work and make everything right in the end.
You’d never guess from all this that men had written the complete works of Shakespeare,
Wait. That was all of you? I thought it was just the one guy! Very well, Men: now that we know each and every single one of you to have participated collaboratively in the creation of Shakespeare’s works, I suppose we can forgive you. But first, reveal to us your secrets of time travel!
painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, climbed Everest, discovered electricity, invented the internal combustion engine and decoded DNA.
Plus, there was the oppressing to do! Truly, Men have been a busy gender.
Nor that, every now and then over the years, we have made perfectly good husbands, fathers and grandparents.
It’s the “every now and then” that is the relevant part, as it turns out! For James Delingpole will now take a hard left into complaining about his spouse and children. Specifically, his female child!
[Try] breeding a daughter. From almost the moment she can speak, she will dedicate her tiny life to bossing Daddy around, telling him where he’s going wrong and ordering him to do chores – often ganging up with Mummy in sisterly solidarity to mock and diminish Daddy’s supposedly pathetic achievements. This isn’t learned behaviour; this is hardwired into the female system.
Yep. James Delingpole’s daughter is AWFUL. Just awful! Much like her mother, James Delingpole’s spouse, who is apparently awful also! Because both of them want him to take out the f@$king garbage, if you can believe it, and he isn’t constantly getting praise from them either, and sometimes they even think he does things wrong, can you imagine, and CONSARNIT GOLDARN DAGNABBIT CRAZIERN’ WHISKERS ON A CHICKEN THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS etc.
Okay. James Delingpole. Two things! First, feminists, on the whole, don’t have problems with dudes. Feminists expect more from dudes – and believe dudes are capable of more – than non-feminists, on the whole. And I am sure that, if you self-Google and find this, you will think that “feminists” are convinced that men are awful and that is why someone made fun of you on the Internet. But your article is not laughable because you are a man. Your article is laughable because of this attitude that every single thing you do is deserving of constant praise, and that any criticism of your efforts – or, indeed, failure to be awed and overjoyed by your efforts – by women is somehow equivalent to brutal, violent oppression. Which is, yes, a recurring attitude amongst sexists. So, in that sense, my feminism compels me to make fun of you. In all other senses, I just think your article is funny because it makes you sound kind of like a jerk.
Second? I know that Thanksgiving is a US holiday, James Delingpole, and that if you are a Brit you will not be celebrating it. But this article – which begins with a dude complaining about being asked to do chores, wanders on into incoherent ramblings about the awful things they show on the teevee these days (“no, Uncle James! Friends ended a long time ago, you must be thinking of another program”) and then descends directly into brutal recrimination of family members, comes remarkably close to capturing the precise spirit of the holiday. Happy Menksgiving, everyone.