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Jill has been blogging for Feministe since 2005.
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47 Responses

  1. Cara
    Cara December 3, 2009 at 4:32 pm |

    “the Planned Parenthood technique called withdrawal”

    I actually did laugh out loud. I’m having trouble stopping the laughing, now.

  2. Jay@racialicious
    Jay@racialicious December 3, 2009 at 4:42 pm |

    You mean Calvinball’s not a game anymore? Awwwww….

    Besides Calvinball, there’s tons of games where the players determine the rules. They’ve even got their own category. So he’s just totally false on that account.

  3. JJS
    JJS December 3, 2009 at 4:45 pm |

    Interesting mispronunciation at :34 –

    “…the only true way of preventing AIDS or any other sexually transmitted diseases is through a maniagamous relationship between a husband and a wife…”

  4. Kyra
    Kyra December 3, 2009 at 4:50 pm |

    So, lesbians are fine?

    (That said, I think I’m still going to use condoms, even if I never sleep with a man and have to blow one up into a balloon. ‘Cause hopefully at least one of these Good Christian types drives a Lamborghini, and upon the Rapture, it shall be mine!)

  5. preying mantis
    preying mantis December 3, 2009 at 5:06 pm |

    “I actually did laugh out loud. I’m having trouble stopping the laughing, now.”

    Why are you laughing? Planned Parenthood totally came up with coitus interruptus. Totally.

  6. groggette
    groggette December 3, 2009 at 5:08 pm |

    Silly Kyra, lesbians don’t exist!
    (although I do like your lamborghini plan)

  7. Lisa A.
    Lisa A. December 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm |

    “the Planned Parenthood technique called withdrawal”

    I didn’t watch the video, so maybe I missed something, but the quote sounds like a tacit admission that Planned Parenthood is a good authority on contraception, even if he misrepresent their stats.

  8. jannet
    jannet December 3, 2009 at 5:19 pm |

    wow. wooow.

    i love this car inheriting idea. bet if we time it right, we can get first dibs on one of those rich evangelical’s mansions, too!

  9. Lisa A.
    Lisa A. December 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm |

    Er, I meant even if he did misrepresent their stats.

  10. Cha-Cha
    Cha-Cha December 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm |

    WTF “only true way to stop AIDS is through a monogamous relationship”?

    These people have a very weird definition of truth. My definition would include studies by the CDC that show that condoms greatly reduce the risk of HIV transmission, and that in lab tests condoms are virtually impenetrable by particles the size of HIV. But whatever, science is not the TRUE WAY, I suppose.

    In general I’m just sick of crochety right wing guys throwing the word “truth” around when what they really mean is, “whatever comes out of my butt next”.

  11. Jessica
    Jessica December 3, 2009 at 5:46 pm |

    Man, I sure wish I had a badass nickname like “The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse”

  12. Natalia
    Natalia December 3, 2009 at 5:49 pm |

    Onan was a pretty specific case. God didn’t kill him because of any “Planned Parenthood technique.” You might have the beard and the distinguished silver locks, creepy pseudo-Christian YouTube dude, but crikey, you don’t do your research well.

  13. Jadey
    Jadey December 3, 2009 at 5:54 pm |

    I like his little wiggle move about “VIRGINS” (I watched the CCed version, and it was definitely in ALL CAPS) clearly meaning “chaste”, not “celibate”. Why not go all the way, Eagle Man? Tell them not to have any sex at all!

    I laughed when he said monogamy prevents AIDS. I knew that people argue that in all seriousness (and the consequences of that make me sick, it’s true), but I’d never actually heard someone say it. It’s so absurd.

    I’m rather glad that I can count on not being Raptured. The Christian conception of Heaven and eternal spiritual life has always creeped me right out. I’ll take natural decomp (no coffin please) and a cessation of conscious existance any day.

  14. SunlessNick
    SunlessNick December 3, 2009 at 6:36 pm |

    I’m rather glad that I can count on not being Raptured.

    They can count on it too. The Rapture has no Biblical validity whatsoever.

  15. Jaleesa
    Jaleesa December 3, 2009 at 6:36 pm |

    SMH, lolwat.

    There really isn’t anything in the Bible that directly prohibits contraception, btw. Abortion and masturbation too, for that matter. These things being considered sinful are assumptions about what God wants, at best. But people don’t actually read the book they claim to represent and know so well, so…

  16. Rob F
    Rob F December 3, 2009 at 6:51 pm |

    “The Planned Parenthood technique called withdrawal”. I’ve heard of Young Earth Creationism, but Young Bibleism too?

  17. William
    William December 3, 2009 at 7:02 pm |

    Between the weird nickname, the strange intonation/voice that I’d not in a mental status exam if I saw him on intake, the bizarrely improvised mimicking of a clip-on mic, and the inexplicable cuts every few seconds I’m just outright baffled.

  18. brista
    brista December 3, 2009 at 7:39 pm |

    So…it’s a joke, right? I mean, he titles himself “the third eagle of the apocolypse”…

  19. Evrybdy44
    Evrybdy44 December 3, 2009 at 8:43 pm |

    They can count on it too. The Rapture has no Biblical validity whatsoever.

    Uh. . .yes there is.
    That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.” (Matthew 24:36-41 [NIV])
    Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.” (1 Thessalonians 4:15–17)

    So few things in the bible are absolute. The rapture is definitely one of them. But rapture by one definitions is : the carrying of a person to another place or sphere of existence. These verses seem to imply that is what’s going on here. But no one knows! But to say NO validity doesn’t seem entirely accurate.

    BTW. I absolutely NEVER thought I’d post a bible verse on this site. I think I’ll get some crap. But understand. I’m simply pointing out the error in an earlier overgeneralisation.

  20. emjaybee
    emjaybee December 3, 2009 at 10:48 pm |

    The “sin of Onan” has been used to call masturbation and withdrawal a sin. Of course if you read the actual story, it’s pretty clear that Onan’s sin was that he refused to, per Israelite law, sleep with the widow of his dead brother, as such children would then be considered his brother’s. Something to do with inheritance, and one of a gazillion illustrations of women=property in the Old Testament. Why Onan refused is never explained; grudge against the brother, wanting his own sons to inherit, possibly even compassion towards the grieving widow who didn’t want to sleep with him. Whatever it was, God sent some smiting down for it, or at least the authors of the old testament said he did.

    Not being someone who thinks obscure and frankly abominable procreation fetishes of ancient Israelites are a good guide to the actions of well, anyone, now living, I wouldn’t feel obligated to go by them even if I was still a Christian.

  21. emjaybee
    emjaybee December 3, 2009 at 10:53 pm |

    BTW I am TOTALLY “into” contraception. It’s like a drug! That keeps you from having babies.

  22. Stephanie - Green SAHM
    Stephanie - Green SAHM December 3, 2009 at 11:21 pm |

    Woohoo! I’m safe from the rapture! Having a tubal ligation has to count as contraception, not to mention past use.

    The Christian Heaven has always sounded boring to me. Sounds most like eternity in church to me. Maybe I misunderstand, but it’s really not my thing.

  23. PharaohKatt
    PharaohKatt December 3, 2009 at 11:23 pm |

    emjaybe: a drug that stops you having babies?!? Say it ain’t so! Where do you get these marvelous pills?

  24. harlemjd
    harlemjd December 3, 2009 at 11:51 pm |

    Um, did he ever actually explain WHY contraception is universally bad? Like even in that wonderful monogamy he talked about? He makes reference to the Pope, so I could just assume he agrees with Catholic doctrine on contraception. But I tend not to assume that rapture-loving protestants agree with the Pope, on account of so many of them thinking the Roman Catholic church is the whore of Babylon.

  25. DireSloth
    DireSloth December 4, 2009 at 12:02 am |

    I absolutely love the matter-of-fact way he says, “But of course, this is another lie of Satan.”

    Of course!

  26. Andrea
    Andrea December 4, 2009 at 12:37 am |

    I’ll take the sex and smiting, myself. I’m not convinced getting smote is going to be so bad, anyway.

  27. Stentor
    Stentor December 4, 2009 at 9:48 am |

    I liked the part about Hal Lindsey et al being false prophets just trying to push a popular feel-good message.

    the inexplicable cuts every few seconds

    I assume he had a lot of “um”s and stammering and so forth that he edited out.

  28. P.T. Smith
    P.T. Smith December 4, 2009 at 10:55 am |

    I love, love, the cuts, especially the one where he jumps closer. I also live the mic style, though it makes me wonder what he’s doing with his hands that he can’t hold it.

    If he’s the Third Eagle, and also apparently the only one involved since the books are published by Third Eagle…who the hell are the other two?

    And, uh…this just makes me want to use contraceptives more, because I have nooo interest in being raptured. If this whole apocalypse thing goes down, I want in on the crazy, post-rapture, fighting Satan end of the world time.

  29. P.T. Smith
    P.T. Smith December 4, 2009 at 10:58 am |

    Oh, and I’m totally coming up with some absurd badass name for myself and whenever I introduce myself, casually adding “also known as (insert absurd badass name here).

  30. Natalia
    Natalia December 4, 2009 at 11:06 am |

    I want to be the First Titmouse of Unspeakable Doom.

    Screw this “third” shit.

  31. Seemingly Jobless
    Seemingly Jobless December 4, 2009 at 11:18 am |

    Holy crapballs. Something negative is targeted at men’s contraception! Sheesh, the ladies are always taking her heat for the pill from the godbags and now this.

    For reals, I feel like all I ever hear is about is how birth control is all women’s fault. Even people who are in favor of birth control say things about how there would be less kids on welfare if only these women would use birth control pills. Ha! What about condoms? They’re affordable- hell, they’re giving them away at clinics, require no health insurance or doctor’s visits, and are sold at the corner store. Can we please start putting some of the responsibility for so-called social ills on men? Put on a rubber already.

  32. Han
    Han December 4, 2009 at 11:24 am |

    Could we please listen to this guy? HE IS THE THRID EAGLE, DAMN IT! And he is sacrificing his own warmth for the sake of our enlightenment!

    For something even more baffling than this, direct your attention to: “No Woman, Including Sarah Palin, Should be President.”

  33. roses
    roses December 4, 2009 at 11:29 am |

    Onan’s sin was that he refused to, per Israelite law, sleep with the widow of his dead brother, as such children would then be considered his brother’s.

    Well, he did have sex with her. But he pulled out so she wouldn’t get pregnant. So not only was he disobeying the law, he was being deceitful about it by trying to make it look like he was obeying the law. It seems obvious to me also that his sin was disobeying the law and being deceitful about it, not the “spilling of the seed” in and of itself.

  34. roses
    roses December 4, 2009 at 11:49 am |

    I’m wondering why he’s talking about the Pope’s words when his beliefs are clearly not Catholic. Since when do End-Timers put any stock in the words of the Pope? When those words happen to agree with their own beliefs, I guess.

  35. P.T. Smith
    P.T. Smith December 4, 2009 at 11:52 am |

    @ Natalia

    Sweet choice. I like it for it’s complexity. You hear “First” and you’re all “Okay, this person is serious, they are in charge,” then you get to “titmouse” and you fall back a bit “What? Titmouse? That’s nothing,” (and maybe, if you’re immature like me, you giggle a little at tit) then when you land on “Unspeakable Doom,” you know you’re in the shit because, I mean, Unspeakable Doom is always in the shit, but if the person are a titmouse and still in charge of Unspeakable Doom, then hellll, the person is on top.

  36. Laurie in Mpls.
    Laurie in Mpls. December 4, 2009 at 11:56 am |

    I am so doomed.

  37. jeffliveshere
    jeffliveshere December 4, 2009 at 12:50 pm |

    I wonder about how people’s brains are wired up, and/or what cultural influences have created them, such that they can take somebody who calls himself “Co-prophet of the End Times” and “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” seriously. It’s like folks who do LARPing without any tongue-in-cheek. I want a Being John Malkovitch hour so that I can see what they see, because all I see is something that seems to be a parody of itself.

  38. Sarah from Chicago
    Sarah from Chicago December 4, 2009 at 3:06 pm |

    You know, I’m still of the position that if this heaven place is going to be filled with guys like this nimrod, and all the interesting people are going to end up elsewhere, I’m not really so sure I want to be going to this place at all.

    Course, I’m lesbian, so I don’t really use contraception (seriously, dental-dams?) … dammit, so maybe I get in anyway! Nooooooooo!!!

  39. SunlessNick
    SunlessNick December 4, 2009 at 3:25 pm |

    But rapture by one definitions is : the carrying of a person to another place or sphere of existence. These verses seem to imply that is what’s going on here. But no one knows! But to say NO validity doesn’t seem entirely accurate.

    Rapture in the sense these types mean it is to be beamed up into Heaven before the End Times happen so as to miss all the kerfuffle; and that is not promised by those verses.

  40. W. Kiernan
    W. Kiernan December 4, 2009 at 3:37 pm |

    True! And if you do not use condoms you won’t be Raptured. “God” does not exist.

  41. La BellaDonna
    La BellaDonna December 5, 2009 at 1:43 pm |

    I want to be the Chickadee of Satan!

    Ugh. Reminds me of the snarling proselytzer who’d shriek, “You’re aaalll goin’ to HEEEELLLLLL!” at the commuters in our train station. At first I just thought she knew where they worked; then I snapped back, “As long as it’s AWAY FROM YOU!” That didn’t garner any blessnings, oddly enough.

    As far as I can tell, anyone who’s interesting, fun, or KIND seems to have a good chance of winding up in these people’s version of “Hell.” Sounds like good times and better company to me.

  42. kat
    kat December 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm |

    Contraceptives: prevent babies and rapture! That’s the best Buy One Get One Free deal ever!

  43. SmartGrrl
    SmartGrrl December 5, 2009 at 6:57 pm |

    OOPS. Guess everybody I know is going to burn for all eternity. Oh well.

  44. Cassie
    Cassie December 5, 2009 at 8:37 pm |

    So, God created sex as a game…interesting..

  45. William
    William December 6, 2009 at 5:21 am |

    Holy crapballs. Something negative is targeted at men’s contraception! Sheesh, the ladies are always taking her heat for the pill from the godbags and now this.

    From this day forth I am going to refer to condoms as godbags.

  46. Athenia
    Athenia December 7, 2009 at 10:29 pm |

    I love how he logically gets himself into a corner—I don’t think there’s much of a difference between celibacy and chasity.

  47. ACG
    ACG December 8, 2009 at 12:32 pm |

    Who is the other Prophet of the End Times, and who are the other two Eagles of the Apocalypse? Are there only the three, or are the Eagles taking applications for more? I don’t have to be both; I’m willing to be either a Prophet of the End Times or the Fourth (or Fifth) Eagle of the Apocalypse.

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