Welcome! To the Year 2010!

Greetings, Time Traveler! Have you recently emigrated to this, our Future World, from the early 1990s? Your appalling standard of dress informs me that this is so! I do hope your travels have not been overly taxing. Please, enjoy our fine restaurants, hotels, and venues of entertainment! Marvel at our strange customs of “texting” and utilizing “the Tumblr!” Behold the desperation on the faces of our many unemployed! Yes, our Future World is a bold and highly Futuristic place to be. At first, it may be disconcerting! But you will enjoy its novelty.

How may we entertain you, Citizen of the Early 1990s? Are you interested, perhaps, in… HUMOR? I have a delightful joke for you, in such a case! Allow me to relay it to you, now, on your arrival. It is this:

WHAAAAZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP.

Ha, ha ha! My tone of voice in pronouncing this word, you see, was akin to that of the actors in a commercial from your time period! Ah, wait: perhaps this commercial is too far in the Future for you. I apologize. The following joke, however, may be closer to your kind’s humor-standard:

Ha, ha ha, ho ho ho! Your President, you see, is rather promiscuous! Whereas your First Lady – will it interest you to know, Time Traveler, that she also is a politician of some note, in this dazzling Future Age? – is capable of de-shelling large nuts with the steel teeth located in her inner thighs! You may also choose to interpret this as evidence that she is a “ball buster,” or emasculating and unfeminine woman, capable of doing literal or figurative violence to the male genitalia with her refusal to accomodate them (again, literally or figuratively: it is a layered and sophisticated joke, this one) appropriately! Perhaps this is why her husband seeks solace in the affections of other women? Ho, ho ho! Such a joke is good for many a chortle, is it not?

Yes, research informs me that jokes along these lines were quite popular, in your era! Indeed, your kind is known to have repeated them several million times, particularly if you were the more obnoxious sort of Libertarian uncle, and had consumed a few beer units. But to you, I assume, it will still be fresh! It may interest you to know, Time Traveler, that this novelty joke-disposal unit was not even manufactured in your time. Ah, no! It is a new novelty joke-disposal unit, marketed and sold today, in 2010! We do these things, you see, to accomodate our booming Time Travel industry. It’s all just a part of the fun to be had, here in… THE FUTURE!

21 comments for “Welcome! To the Year 2010!

  1. Sheelzebub
    January 8, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Didn’t one of these come out in 2009? During the election?

    Otherwise, well done, as usual, Sady!

  2. January 8, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    I think I am maybe a little bit in love with you right now.

    However, this does explain Rudy Giuliani forgetting 9/11 the other day, which is a relief.

  3. January 8, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    You just made my day, Sady.

  4. A Guy In Denver
    January 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    This cracked me up.

  5. January 8, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Sady, I love your writing.

  6. January 8, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I shamefully admit to wanting both of those handy utensils for my own kitchen. I think they’re hilarious… especially since they both get picked on :)

    I mean, at least Bill is the one being made fun of for his apparent promiscuity… usually it’s the other way around.

    You’re hilarious, BTW.

  7. Megan
    January 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I am completely unamused by the Hillary nutcracker, and the post is awesome. But is it okay to giggle at the Bill corkscrew? I would be offended at a gadget depicting a woman known to have a lot of sex as, say, a pencil sharpener, so I guess I should be equally offended here. Any argument to the contrary would rely on the double standard that applies to men and women regarding sex. So maybe my gut reaction is incorrect–I shouldn’t be offended by a female pencil sharpener. (In short, I am hoping for permission to laugh at Bill without guilt.)

  8. January 8, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    These kitchen utensils are childish and disrespectful…

    Where can I get them?

  9. January 8, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Happy New Year.

  10. human
    January 8, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Me too, Megan. Though I don’t think I could bring myself to buy one, since they appear to be a set.

    Also, ridiculously expensive! Yeesh.

  11. Miss Werewolf
    January 8, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    I don’t quite get why people think of Ms. Clinton as a “ball-buster” or “boner shrinker”. I think she is actually quite good looking, I would love to look like her or date a woman who looks like her, were I around her age (I would be too young now). Then again, I am not a straight male. I am a bi female, so maybe that is why.
    Oh well, more proof that there are still some men who are scared of powerful women, no matter how “hot” they are.

  12. Marksman2000
    January 8, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Miss Werewolf:

    Away put your water bong. Hillary ain’t attractive.

    • January 8, 2010 at 10:39 pm

      @Marksman: Oh, right! I forgot that attractiveness is actually totally objective, and not at all determined by one’s personal tastes! My apologies, for clearly Werewolf should have run this statement by YOU, Secretary In Charge of Determining Who Is Attractive, before submitting it to the public as a blog comment.

  13. January 8, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    You know, I was going to be all snarky about Marksman’s comment, but now it seems redundant. Damn you, Sady!

  14. human
    January 9, 2010 at 12:33 am

    If Marksman is available for Determining Who Is Attractive, shouldn’t we all take advantage of his expertise? I mean, opportunities like this don’t come around every day.

    Hey Marksman, am I attractive? If not, why not? Is it because of my hairy legs, my fat ass, or my man-hating harpiness?

  15. Maggie
    January 9, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Please tell us your thoughts on Sarah Jessica Parker, Marksman!

  16. Hannah Ballou
    January 9, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    V. amusing! Do you by chance have a book, Ms. Sady? I am collecting feminist humor.

  17. tinfoil hattie
    January 9, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    The nutcracker was around during the primaries. Not such a new “novelty” after all.

    Misogyny, of course, has been around since time began.

  18. January 9, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Oh yeah, I forgot to mention- in Britain, we have these too, but they look like Margaret Thatcher and there isn’t a male equivalent as far as I know. So as much as I really don’t like Thatcher as a politician, it’s kind of shitty.

  19. George
    January 11, 2010 at 7:19 am

    I think I’d be quite pleased if I’d got to the point in my career where people were making George-nutcrackers. But only in the same sort of way that I’d be pleased if I woke up with vagina dentata.

  20. Sylvia/M
    January 13, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    This write-up just made my lunch hour. :) Thank you, Sady.

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