“Individual sell” is part of the problem. This is a structural, collective problem. I have yet to meet a person for whom this is (or has never been) a problem. Not one.

And frankly (this being a feminist website)….how does a woman in a male-dominated field make an “individual sell” to male employers who have stay-at-home wives? This is not a problem in their world. Work/family balance? That’s what you have a wife for. I work in an industry that is one percent female. I was the first woman to get pregnant in my Local. You know, some hurdles I’ve crossed. But others….it’s going to take a hell of a lot more of us crossing them. Two words: critical mass.

Look. I’ve managed to cross the barrier that says, “women don’t belong here.” Or “women can’t do this work.” But there are other, more subtle barriers. Now, it’s not necessarily “women can’t do this work.” Now, it’s, “sure, women can do this work—very unusual, very rare, out-of-the-ordinary women.” And you know what that looks like at ground level? It means that the less your life resembles a typical male life, the more you aren’t the “rare” woman…..the more that hurdle starts being raised.

“Individual sell.” Sweet bedda matri. If it was that simple, just a matter of finding the right words and right statistics, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. For Christ’s sake. I’ve worked for employers who damn well knew what the cost of their sexism was. They didn’t care. They paid (and pay) for their sexism the same way they pay for membership in their exclusive country clubs. They consider it a cost of doing business.

They would rather lose good employees than see their world change. Even if it costs them money. It’s about control. It’s about power, and who they are willing to share it with.

@Piny Well, isn’t income the reason why we work? It is for me. I am certainly not able to work just because I want to work. Are you? If you are, congratulations.

I just love the smell of toner.

Unemployment in our country is getting up towards one in five. I understand that I may have been unclear, but that’s not the kind of assumption you want to provoke some stranger on the internet with.

This is what I was saying–not quite what Sheelzebub thought, either:

Work is what is taken out of you, taken away from you. It is your time and effort and heartache. It is the hours you have to spend doing for your employer, away from your home and family and whatever else.

Income is what you get back in exchange for your work.

Income is not the same as work. The two seem to bear less and less relationship to each other with every passing year–even in the same profession. Even in the same job.

We as a society have been conditioned to see work as the same as income: to think of ourselves as enriched by work, which is not the same as income. To feel lucky that we have work. To feel valued because we have more work. To feel successful because we have harder work. Most of us noticed long before this latest deterioration that we were feeling a little less safe, a little poorer. What was the solution? More work! We didn’t have enough work. We needed to increase productivity, to retrain: to work harder, work better.

And now we’ve gone so far into this twisted idea of compensation that it’s considered bad form to complain about having too much work and too little income because other people have no work and no income.

When your employer gives you your former coworker’s work and keeps her income, something tangible has been taken from both of you. Both of you are poorer. Both of you are being asked to strain an overburdened household much further.

Also, I think it is really crucial not to lump “employers” into a single ball. Smaller businesses are really different from multinational corporations.

I know (and represent) a lot of individuals who are in trouble, or close to it. I also know (and represent) a lot of businesses, of varying sizes. I’ve also been an employer myself. Frankly, there’s no easy answer. The rapid spread of globalization has made competition anything but local, and a lot of businesses are also really struggling as well.

Frankly, in this economy the concept of work/life balance goes by the wayside: If one actually HAS a paying job, and a client/boss who can keep the paycheck from bouncing.. then, dammit, one works. And one doesn’t complain.

Bad economies make most discussions about the pros and cons of overworking a bit embarrassing. Who wants to be the one complaining that he’s overworked, knowing all the people struggling for unemployment? Who wants to complain that she never sees her family because she works so much, when plenty of her friends are forced to take any job they can, even with a brutal commute?

Oh, I agree with you in principle – I’m one of very few people in the office with kids, and none of the other parents are women, nor are their children as young as mine. So the last thing I want to do is stick out. But, doing my best ‘grumpy old man’ here, that’s how they getcha. Employers will cite the economy and the tight job market as a way to keep you quiet. So while we’re afraid to speak up because there are ten people right behind who’d snap up my job in a heartbeat, we quietly lose benefits and work/life balance fades…

@ Jodie Having a plan in this economy may not be as easy at it sounds. I think employers are less decent human beings now than they were back in the day when my Dear Mother and Dear Father were employed. I think the workplace environment and demeanor of supervisors are desensitized to the needs of human beings, and it really doesn’t matter whether or not one works in corporate, public or non-profit sectors.

There’s no good solution. Just when the American people are starting to get more populist, big business’s share of political power is at its maximum, with its tentacles deeply into both parties and the federal judiciary. Anything getting better is a matter of generational change. I hate to say that, but I think it’s true.

I have a kid right now complaining of a loss of hearing in his right ear. I know it is probably swimmers ear, so we are using an OTC drug on it, but I also know that it is not clearing up as quickly as it should and he should go to the doctor. The kid has health insurance, so cost is not the issue here. In my head, I have this elaborate calculation going of the time I have already taken off these past few months for illnesses, for both me and the kids, and doctor’s appts, and what not, and seeing if I will tip the scale by adding one more day. I have more than enough accrued PTO, but whether or not it earns me a raised eyebrow is the question.

I am the breadwinner in this family, and I need this job. And there are probably 100 people that would take it and not have kids with ear issues or IEPs or whatever, or have someone else in their family who can take the lead on those issues.

One thing I realized that seemed to improve my image with my company was that you can’t tell them what you are taking time off for. If I have to, say, take a day off because I need to take my son to his biannual appointment with the developmental pediatrician (takes a day in travel and parking and such), or if I have an IEP meeting (this happens several times a year) then I just say that I need a personal day. If I mention that this is for a family thing, it seems to come off as a liability. It is not quantifiable, just a feeling I guess. But if I just leave out the details (never lying, just giving the minimum information), they can imagine I am at the spa all day and this seems to be less of an issue for them.

Very stressful.