Individual mothers do not make the societal conditions in which their children grow up. Mothers do the best they can for the people who depend on them but, as an individual mother, you cannot force your daughter’s employer to pay her a fair and equal wage; you cannot stop her being objectified by catcallers as she walks down the street; you individually cannot ensure she has access to all the medical procedures she might need; you personally cannot guarantee that the legal system takes her claim that she was raped seriously; you cannot hide her from all the images of female bodies being sexualized, made passive and waif-thin.

I know you wish you had that power but you, as a caring, maternal individual, do not have that power. That kind of power doesn’t come about as a result of individual people’s actions, it comes as a result of group consciousness and collective action by men and women, some of whom identify as “mama” and some of whom do not. Just because they may not identify as “mama” doesn’t mean they have done nothing to help your child or improve the general social conditions in which you raise and nurture your child. To suggest that only “mamas” have done such good work is a willful obfuscation of history.

Also, while I agree that “mamas” have been and still are mistreated and undervalued – and that that is HIGHLY unjust – I like many others here, am also skeptical of romanticizing, mystifying, or over-glorifying this positionality. It is a positionality that many people cannot take on and that many people do not want to take on. And that does not make their contributions to a world that is more socially just any less worthy. You are definitely not inferior because you are a “mama” but you are not superior either. I feel like much of your post implicitly advocates the creation of a new hierarchy – mamas/non-mamas. And as a feminist, I have been taught to be skeptical of all hierarchies – one of the positive contributions of feminism.

I think it is very important to draw attention to the ways in which feminism has failed. Feminism has failed WoC, mothers, trans-people, working class women, lesbians, children, the disabled – the list goes on. And you are VERY right to point that out. It kills me that this movement that I am so dedicated to has so often operated with racism, transphobia, homophobia, classism. But I would be very cautious about your impulse to throw the baby out with the bathwater – after all, ain’t you a mama?

But, you know, feel free to continue having an argument with the imaginary person in your head rather than the actual person you are supposedly addressing.

i really wish you wouldn’t start up with the childfree = selfish/childish/not grown up argument here, especially because it’s own that gets thrown in our faces constantly and to see it on a post like this is actually kind of disgusting.

you know what, i identify childfree and while i don’t disagree with most of mai’a's post, and i get that empowering the mama identity is revolutionary and necessary for so many (and that being good allies to these mamas is how other women can be part of that), but that situation you described?

i’d do the same thing if a young girl (or young human being of any gender) was in trouble like that and there were other human beings looking to take advantage, and it wouldn’t come out of a maternal place or a sense that i have to be a “mama”, it would come from a sense that things like that are wrong and letting them happen right in front of your face is not something a moral, ethical, decent human being does. it would come from knowing that all human beings of ANY age are entitled to compassion and respect and dignity and that when someone gets in the way of other, other human beings need to step up. not just for children.

and the revolution for me is that it doesn’t have to be about me being a woman, it can be about me having a sense of compassion and ethics. my compassion can just be compassion. my justice can just be justice, not some thwarted maternal urge because obviously, i’d be much better off if i just had babies or it’s a secret sign that i want to have babies.

if a lot of childfree people are giving kickback, it’s because every day we’re faced with messages that tell us that we’re not REALLY childfree, we’re just selfish people denying our real identity or that we’ll change our minds, or that we’re just not grown up, we’re playing disgustingly at being children because we may not want to be near children ever.

and i wish the childfree vs. parents baiting in comment threads would stop, because a lot of the most disgusting stuff doesn’t come from CF people.

the thing is? no one kind of feminism/womanism/*ism fits all women because not all women live in the same situations. what’s oppressive for one group is empowering for another, and the trick is to strike a balance so that we’re ALL empowered in the ways that are best for us and our communities.

i have no problem with a post that expresses that this is how this person and their communities empower themselves by reclaiming what so many oppressors have taken – the right to have and express and own their motherhood/mamahood and use it to build themselves and each other up. i have no problem with showing why or how mainstream/white feminism has been of no service to these women and, indeed, is often harmful.

i have no issue with “fuck feminism”. indeed. fuck feminism for all the transphobia and anti-WOC attitudes and class barriers inherent in it.

fuck white feminism for telling communities of women they should be demanding things of men when those same white feminists are part of the system that imprisons and demeans those men.

in fact, fuck any system that tells WoC that what worked for upwardly mobile white women with college educations should work for them, too, and if it doesn’t, then it’s their failure and not the failure of feminism to meet their needs.

i’m right there with her. fuck feminism.

and i have no problem with a post that tells those of us who don’t need this kind of mama-fueled empowerment to remember these mamas when we go about our lives and activism and to make sure we’re being good allies, that we’re not excluding them or burdening them or keeping them out of spaces or just generally making things worse for them in their struggle.

i just have a problem with being told that i, too, should find empowerment in this. because this does not empower me (nor should it). and i think youre doing that more than mai’a.

for me, personally? my empowerment as a woman comes from knowing i am not automatically tied to children just because i’m a woman, that i can lead a life where i can choose the center that best helps me do good things. and that means that i don’t have to feel warm, fuzzy maternal feelings towards children because i don’t have those. i’ll never have those. i can still act compassionately, respectfully, and recognize that yes, children are more vulnerable and the vulnerable should be protected – but i can do that out of a sense of justice that i’d use to say that elders being abused and neglected in communities need protecting and the homeless are vulnerable and need protecting.

my compassion can just be compassion. my justice can just be justice. not a metaphor, not a thwarted maternal urge that’s proof that my reproductive choices in life are wrong, because i really should be having babies because, hey, i’m a woman, that’s all i’m good for, right? wrong.

but for women who have been told they can’t be mamas, shouldn’t be mamas, won’t be mamas – centering children and being a mama in whatever form that takes must be the ultimate evolution and revolution. i respect that, i honor that, even if it doesn’t apply to me in my situation.

and just because i don’t lead a child-centered life, just because i don’t want/have/seek out children to interact with doesn’t make me less of an adult. women for a long time in many places have struggled to be viewed as adults, not just larger children who produce and take care of other children. so don’t perpetuate that by accusing childfree people of being juvenile. you think it’s selfish, fine. call us selfish ADULTS, but we’re not children or childlike. you don’t get to take away someone’s adult status just because you don’t like how they act. don’t pull that crap here.

i center myself on justice and compassion, and that’s what informs my interactions with children and mamas even when i get uncomfortable. but if i find myself avoiding some situations that i know i’d be making things worse for them, or if i’m honest and declare that no, child-centricity would turn out to be a bad thing for me and everyone around me (including/especially the children themselves) that DOES NOT MAKE ME A CHILD. I AM A GROWN, CHILDFREE WOMAN. YOU DO NOT GET TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

Q Grrl: “As I feel it should be obvious.The majority of people who abuse women are MEN. The people who often abuse POC are WHITE ppl. ”Granted.I don’t see how this changes the fact that “mama” is very clearly being celebrated in the absence of.One of those absences, just like the absence of clue-ed in white folk, is that of the men that have fathered children/communities.If “mama” stands *against* feminism, then my question is pointless.However, if “mama” stands for radical love, then, damn-skippy, the question is valid.  

I have no idea what this means to be frank. But from ur earlier posts I am assuming that you are not American. I am assuming that you live in honey-land where Poc have the exact same Family systems as whites…

Why Do I assume u are not American? Because then you should know that Some of us women aint got the time to worry about “fathers” nor do we have Husbands to rely on.
BLACK AMERICAN Women as every one likes to tell us aint got a chance in hell of being married.

Where are my fathers?Where are our husbands,brothers?
I don’t know because they were ripped away from their families starting IN SLAVERY.
They are killed, throw in jail, forgotten in education and told by the media that Black families, Black romance, Black Love does not matter…

So regardless if we held hands with our white feminists counterparts and demand men be responsible. Our men would still be mostly unavailable to us.

I am quite sick of feminists who tell us join with us against men.
And then… Black men want us to join with them against racism and forgot our gender issues.

So, seriously neither of the sides are getting my loyalty. Ok?

Btw, I dont want kids and yet I find no reason to get anger about mama

The real problem is that some of you can’t understand the words written by people who are from different backgrounds. You have lived your life seeing and reading about like YOU. Your books and your history is written people you can relate too. So these guest post are always going to confusing to you. So sit back and listen and learn!

@the ableism problem

I think its possible to acknowledge both ableist language and acknowledge the racist tendency whites have in correcting POC’s language skills.

Both can be truth. Both can be talked about w/o a oppression Olympics.

Just ask yourself how to call attention without silencing or demeaning…

Granted. I don’t see how this changes the fact that “mama” is very clearly being celebrated in the absence of. One of those absences, just like the absence of clue-ed in white folk, is that of the men that have fathered children/communities. If “mama” stands *against* feminism, then my question is pointless. However, if “mama” stands for radical love, then, damn-skippy, the question is valid.

Judging by what you’ve written both in your lyrical piece and your comments, I should be your enemy, and you mine. I’m a white feminist. Almost every other comment supporting the the author is decrying me and the evils I have committed due to my sickly pale skin and adjective-lacking political viewpoint.

I know it’s hard, but you have to try not to take the criticism so personally. It’s good that you’re applying her words to yourself rather than saying, “Well I’m white and I’m a feminist but I’m not part of the problem.” You are part of the problem. So am I. But I didn’t get the feeling from any of the posts or comments that they hate me or that they think of me as an enemy. Rather I took their words as a wake up call, as if to say, “Look- most people in your group are treating us badly and causing us harm. What are you going to do about it?”

…despite the fact that I try so hard to confront hate, I am hateful. I am an oppressor and I don’t belong here.
I am aware I am ignorant. I am aware that I am not very bright and not capable of doing much good, for feminism’s sake or otherwise. But I can change those things. I can’t change being white and privileged.

No, you can’t change those things about yourself, but you can choose to disengage. Are you going to do that? Our privilege gives us the option of giving up at any time, just washing our hands and walking away. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Or do you want to be one of the few who will take the criticism, digest it, and keep going, trying to improve yourself and help others do the same? Every single person who is knowledgeable about their privilege has to make this decision, whether the privilege comes from being White, male, wealthy, currently abled, cisgender, heterosexual, or all of the above. I know a number of White cis-hetero men from wealthy families who are just incapacitated by guilt over their privilege. They simply cannot have conversations about systems of oppression without shutting down completely. What good does that serve?

People have committed evils in the name of Feminism. If we are to continue to use the label we do have a responsibility to address those issues as best we can. We can choose to either try our hardest, knowing we will fail sometimes, or we can just give up. I hope you make the right choice.