Funny that my spiral into self-reflection (and slight self-blaming) coincided with my time as a guest blogger here at Feministe. Actually, it isn’t funny at all – things in my life usually tends to work in an oddly serendipitous manner and having you all here to help me reflect has been incredible. From what’s been left in the comments, I see that I am not the only one struggling with self-sabotage, lack of direction and motivation, or whatever you’d like to call it.
Which is why, when I noticed an old, overlooked email in my inbox, I felt compelled to share with all of you. It is a book recommendation I received a few months ago that, at the time, I felt did not apply to my life. My how the tides have turned. The book is called 20 Something, 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman’s Guide to Balance and Direction. Here’s a description:
Are you wrestling with a sense that you haven’t done enough? Or you’ve done it all and don’t know what’s next? If you’ve ever wondered why you aren’t enjoying “the best years of your life,” and why you’re still mired in confusion about the choices you’ve made or need to make, this book is for you. Faced with a career she worked hard to achieve but didn’t like and the disintegration of her relationship, author Christine Hassler started talking to other twenty-something women and discovered a pattern. Many women in their twenties (and thirties) feel unsettled and struggle to reassess their positions on what Christine calls the “twenties triangle”: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get it? Throughout the book these questions become opportunities to identify and explore dreams and values. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, readers can turn questions into maps that lead toward creating a career, a relationship and a life that fits just like a favorite pair of jeans.
I probably wouldn’t have given it a second look if it hadn’t been recommended by a woman I respect, but now, it seems fitting that I go out and buy a copy. I can’t vouch for the contents, but hey, I thought I’d share anyway because I know some of you are struggling with the same things I am right now.
If you’ve already read it, let us know what you think, won’t you?
How oddly freaking serendipitous. I bought this book a while (several months… years… not sure) back and never got past the first couple pages. I stumbled across it just a few days ago in the back of my closet and thought I might give it another go but it inevitably ended up on the bottom of some pile on the coffee table.
Seeing this post tho – and relating to it – I’ll definitely give it a go. Who knows, maybe third time’s the charm :)
I’m 28. Here are things that have helped me.
1. Make your day to day life into something you enjoy as much as you can. Unlike high school or even more especially unlike college, you will spend years in the exact same routine. You’ll have the same job, the same apartment blah blah blah. Make choices that will make you happy on a day to day basis in some way. Pick up hobbies that seem juvenile, go out drinking with friends, plan a weekly brunch, get a pet, live in a neighborhood you love love love, but seriously think about what you want your day to be like during those few hours you’re not at work.
2. Take responsibility for your life. Stuff will happen to you, a lot, that will not coincide with your best laid plans. Job’s suck, cars break down, moving trucks get towed, apartments catch on fire. You will also want things, like a promotion, or a better apartment. Try not to throttle people when they tell you everything will work out, because in fact the reason everything will work out is because you are going to make it work all by yourself.
3. Give yourself credit. Being an adult sucks hard sometimes, give yourself credit for the hard work you do to make your life run smoothly. Don’t give it to God, or your parents or your boss. YOU are the one making choices to make your life work.
4. Give yourself something to look forward to. I find the day to day grind to be the hardest when I am not anticipating anything. When life is dull, plan weekend trips with a friend, or with yourself.
Ultimately your long term life goals are now much longer term than they used to be. I’m not saying you shouldn’t reach for them, but if you spend all your time focused on you’re going to do someday, your day to day life is going to be miserable. And there is so much uncertainty that there is no guarantee you’ll be able to do X by the time you are 30, sometimes things just don’t work out. So you have to make sure that your day to day life is good, not just a practice for someday when you get XYZ. (See all of highschool and college.) It is a difficult shift to make, and a hard balance to find between living day to day with no set time frames and looking at what you want over the long term.
Be patient with yourself, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
As I’ve been going through my own 20-something upheaval, I’ve been working my way through various parts of this book. I can honestly say that it did help me focus and analyze exactly what had been bothering me the most (at the time). I found that walking through the exercises was helpful. Writing everything out really allowed me to stop and ask myself what was *really* bothering me and give myself permission to write in a ‘judgment-free zone’; I lie to myself a lot, :/ And as trite as it might sound, some of the stories in the book really helped me know that I’m not the only one “failing” at meeting imaginary/cultural/personal standards. It was a good reality check and made me more comfortable about reaching out for help when I needed it.
I sorted through several books in this vein and I can say that this one was my favorite. It provided a nice balance between “here are stories showing you that you aren’t alone” and “walk through this writing exercise”. I also felt it was nicely non-judgmental and provided a non-religious foundation to work from. Although I am religious, I found that many of the (generally Christian) 20-something books only made me feel guilty about not being “faithful” or “trusting” enough.
Shinobi, thanks so much for you comment! I seriously needed to read that.