With any luck, I’ll find myself in a steady relationship any day now, and this ad won’t be necessary — but it’s sort of funny, so let’s at least post it for now, and perhaps permanently if it proves popular enough:
Who needs online dating services? Eschewing the needlessly complicated dating sites, which I’m told offer an array of dating-candidates who are not Jill — potentially causing men to become confused and end up with the wrong woman — Feministe offers the one dating option that can bring true happiness: Jill. But first, you must read the rules below.
Ten Rules for Dating Jill:
1. Dudes who think that all chicks are overly-emotional irrational basket-cases are hot.
Do you often find yourself saying, “Why are chicks so irrational?”
Do you ever end an argument by saying, “Are you on your period?”
Do other peoples’ tears make you angry because you are unable to feel a full range of human emotion?
Do you believe that men tend to be more logical, or perhaps “from Mars,” while women tend to be more emotional and therefore “from Venus”?
Do “logical arguments,” as you define them, tend to correspond exactly to your personal belief system?
Do you find that if someone is wrong about a particular issue, it is easiest to simply shut down conversation by accusing them of being irrational or emotional?
Do you become angry and resentful when someone opts out of conversation with you?
Do you voice your disgust towards fat women, and then get annoyed when your girlfriend goes on a diet?
Do you voice your disgust towards fat women, and then make fun of your girlfriend for wondering if you think she’s fat?
Do you also voice your disgust towards women with eating disorders, and become annoyed if your girlfriend won’t eat a burger on command, but become more annoyed if it looks like she’s getting fat?
Do you sometimes write passive-aggressive lists on the internet about everything you hate in women?
Do you often find yourself using phrases such as “Sane chicks are hot,” “Women who blow me off are the epitome of all evil,” or “Why don’t women like nice guys”?
Do you think that rigid consistency even in the face of changed circumstances or information is the only sign of true intelligence? Or that it’s acceptable to express anger toward people who point out that you, yourself, have often said one thing yet done another? Do you believe that it’s acceptable to express anger at others when they recoil in horror at the terrible words and actions you have consciously chosen?
Are you currently on, or have you ever gone on, a narcissistic rant about how women are terrible in all of the following ways, so will the one who is not terrible please for the love of God date you already? (Or have you been urged by a medical professional to avoid such rants in the future, as you are prone to going on them, sometimes on C-SPAN?)
Do you think “emotional self-discipline” is a good way to convince yourself that your feelings are the only valid ones, because you refuse to acknowledge that they are, in fact, feelings, and you instead shroud them in the veneer of logical desires?
Do you get shit-throwing angry when your date is five minutes late, or says “I’ll call you” and does not actually call you immediately, or otherwise behaves as normal people with flexible plans may behave?
Do you like to think of yourself as a “logical and rational thinker” who is more intelligent than most people you meet, and definitely more intelligent than overly-emotional broads?
Do you like to berate all of womankind on the internet?
Do you let off steam by picking fights with all of womankind on the internet, or posting long lists of negative attributes that you clearly associate mostly with women?
Do you claim to hate people who lie in order to avoid conflicts, but then badger women into agreeing with you or going along with your plans, only to get angry when it turns out they weren’t 100% into it in the first place?
Do you think that a given statement must be true if you can make what you believe to be logical arguments about the underlying issue? (For instance, that evolution must not exist because there are still monkeys walking around, or that unadulterated capitalism is the way to go because Communism failed).
Do you consider yourself a “nice guy” and find yourself wondering why chicks always date jerks?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, you may be a decent human being and probably shouldn’t date me (I’m sure many of you would hasten to add “I wouldn’t dream of it!” and that’s good — you’re being wise, for once). This is not to say that you are a bad person — you may even be better than average in many ways, or at least better than the average man — but you are not the sort of condescending, narcissistic, lacking-all-self-awareness He-Man Woman-Hater with whom another condescending, narcissistic, lacking-all-self-awareness He-Man Self-Hater like myself ought to spend a lot of time.
If you answered “yes” to all these questions, there may be hope of us getting along and even building a romantic relationship. But read on and learn the other nine Rules for Dating Jill.
2. If you (a) do not want children or (b) are willing to accept the fact that I will never want children and that therefore if you do, you must be prepared to have only a non-permanent relationship with me, we may be able to build a romantic relationship (no, I do not want to adopt, part-time parent, co-parent, see kids on weekends, or indeed be around kids, whether genetically related or unrelated to me, in any imaginable capacity whatsoever, nor date a man who has kids secreted away somewhere who he promises will “rarely” interact with me). It would also be great if you could refer to kids as “crotch-droppings” and be sure to blame their mothers if they make any sort of noise in public. Or if they appear in public at all.
3. Do you accept the fact that your future girlfriend may have many friends, both female and male, who will not cease to exist simply because you start dating said girlfriend, and are you able to be kind and open toward said friends, including the males, even if in some cases they are ex-boyfriends, right up until you feel threatened and then you can go ahead and humiliate me on C-SPAN? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
4. Are you capable of having an argument on an intellectual point of disagreement which inevitably culminates in you claiming that your man-logic is clearly superior to my lady-logic, as evidenced by the fact that you are a man and I am a lady? When I point out the logical conclusions of your arguments, do you insist that I am being emotional and write off whatever I have to say as vagina-talk? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
5. Is your IQ, if it has been tested, significantly above average (average being approximately 100)? Did you learn this fact through a series of internet IQ tests? Do you regularly use your IQ as a trump card in arguments? Do you sometimes begin sentences with, “Well, as a member of Mensa…”? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
6. Would you agree that no one is born into this world “owing” you anything, whether an investment of time or money, and that as long as no one is actively harming you or taking things away from you without your permission, the world is treating you fairly? And also that the estate tax is a travesty because you earned that money by having a wealthy relative die, and your legacy admission to college was earned by having a relative who went to the school and contributed large sums to its endowment? Do you think it’s absurd when people claim they “deserve” things like a home or health care or time off, because those are shallow yuppie indulgences that no one “deserves”? Do you live in a home and have health care and time off, because, no home or health care or time off? Gross. If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
7. Are you able to get along with people who disagree with you on a variety of issues, such as politics and religion, assuming they are willing to discuss such matters intelligently and civilly, and by “intelligently and civilly” you mean that it’s ok for people (such as yourself) to tell lesser people (such as myself) that they are irrational emotional crybabies when they don’t agree with you? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
8. Are you resentful of people who take joy in things, and who try to include you in activities that they deem “fun” or “necessary”? Do you hate it when your girlfriend tries to share her enthusiasm for certain things with you, because you are emotionally stunted and immediately hate anything that comes out of her always-yapping lady-mouth? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
9. Do you think happiness is a fairly natural state — the most important one, in fact — and one easily achieved if people simply calm down and avoid creating insanity, hostility, or trouble? And that the best way to achieve this is to ignore or diminish all of my passions, beliefs, thoughts and interests and insist that I focus wholly on yours? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
10. If you answered as suggested to all the questions above, are a male of unremarkable physicality, and are not exactly a spring chicken but you definitely want to be banging a 25-year-old (which you justify by saying you’re “thinking long-term” right after you’ve made it clear you don’t want kids), then let’s consider building a romantic relationship.
Dating in New York is really hard, you guys. Way too many people actually want to go outside. Or to bars. Or dancing, for goodness sakes. Well, I am tired of all that hootin’ and hollerin’, and I think I may have met the man of my dreams. I’m just not sure he’ll have me, as I am, in his estimation, a terrible, selfish fiend of a human being, because sometimes I say “yes” to hanging out and then things get busy and I lose interest or just reconsider. Basically, I am Hitler without the moustache, and all my dreams are dashed:
Oh, but one last thing — and this is very important. Are you the sort of person who says “yes” when asked to do something with a fella, regardless of whether you actually want to go out, then simply keeps rescheduling instead of definitively and finally canceling the date or saying no? Do you do this despite having attained the age of legal adulthood? Do you tell yourself that you’re nonetheless a moral person — even the hero in life’s little narrative — because, each and every time you rescheduled and feigned enthusiasm for getting together “first thing next week” (or maybe even later that very night if you’re a particularly brazen and skilled actress), you thought, “I’m faced with an awkward moment, so I’ll just keep turning it into a positive one, for the time being, by lying…over and over again! That’s the thing to do!”
I don’t really care if you vow never to do this to me — that isn’t good enough. If you’ve ever done this to anyone — wasting not only your time and the fella’s but the time of all the other people whose schedules were disrupted by your lies, from restaurant staffs dealing with canceled reservations to other people who might have met with the fella on the nights blocked out for your illusory outings — you are, I am afraid, a terrible, selfish fiend of a human being, and I really don’t want you as a friend, let alone a date or girlfriend. Yes, that’s right — you are evil. How does it feel — the evil, I mean? Bet you thought being a Hitler or a Jack the Ripper would feel a lot different than being you. But it doesn’t. You’re living the being-evil experience. Please live it without me, though.
I don’t care if you’ve been declared by numerous glossy magazines to be the most beautiful woman not only of our era but of all time. I don’t care if your intellect is so vastly superior to my own that mere moments of conversation with you would fill me with awe and wonder. You are still, as noted above, an immoral, inconsiderate fiend. I can do better, thanks. And when I say “do better,” I don’t even mean that there’s necessarily a woman on the planet above this sort of time-wasting, juvenile behavior. Maybe there isn’t — but I would still be doing better, you see, by living out the rest of my days alone than by dating you. So please, please — please! — if you lack ethics, stay very, very far away. And while you’re there (far away, that is), think about what went wrong in your upbringing, your genetics, or the culture at large to turn you into the monster you have become. It’s dealing with jerks like you that inspires serial killers and misanthropes, you know. Can you really blame them?
Non-monster lady, on the other hand, if you’re out there, drop me a line. If you’re smart, you know how necessary this personal ad’s various complaints are and won’t be put off by them. If you’re not smart, well, a universe of singles bars and online dating sites awaits you, so go to it, missy, and good luck!
(Or more briefly: 5′9″, 180 lbs., blonde, Brown alum, writer-editor, likes cats and dogs but owns neither. Will not have children. Enjoys philosophy and New Wave music.)
I’m also 5’3″ and brunette. DAMN IT. Todd Seavy, you complete me.