From today’s Dear Prudence, in a letter about spending the holidays with insufferable in-laws:
Needless to say, the only way I can get through a dinner with the in-laws is to just get quietly drunk and pray for the end. My husband says this is the only solution, and he does exactly the same thing.
Isn’t this how most of the world gets through extended-family functions? And this is a problem because why?
(My own mother just emailed me the Christmas dinner menu, which includes a roast of some sort, potatoes of some sort, vegetables of various sorts, and LOTS OF WINE in, yes, all caps).
We play Apples to Apples. It seems to help keep things civil. Notorious button pushers can still give driving you crazy a try, it’s just a lot harder.
Wow. In my family, Apples to Apples is a one-way ticket to screaming, crying, fighting, slamming doors, leaving. You are brave.
My in-laws are Mormon, so those miserable holidays are spent 100% sober. Christ. By the end of the week, I’m ready for heroin.
I’ve just opted out from my family of origin this year entirely. Going to spend the holidays with various friends/chosen family.
You can spend the holidays with people who don’t make you want to puncture your eardrum, who knew!?
We keep Christmas day for immediate family (parents and my sister), and used to just have one awful party with the relatives on my father’s side. That is, until my dad’s sister finally pushed everyone too far, had a major fight (on my birthday) and now we no longer have to spend any time with them. It’s wonderful, no more cutting comments, mild racism or dreadful food! (salmon cooked in a dishwasher. it tasted of soap…)
I do miss some of the games tho. My late great-aunt was a fascist (literally. Supporter of the movement in the ’30s) and had a wonderful game where she would tell the host how much money she was leaving them in her will then behave as atrociously as she could. Didn’t last long with my dad tho, he threatened to drive her home (300 miles…).
We also end up with board games, and Apples to Apples is a favorite. We go for the humorous answers usually (e.g. Adj: Cuddly, Noun: Space Shuttle) so we are laughing a lot. Also, let the people who hate games sit out and watch football or something, so they aren’t killjoys.
I know way too many people in AA these days to support this technique, though I get why it works for so many…
I’ve only played Apples to Apples with people I’m close with, and we tend to be a bit offensive or out there. I’d be terrified at what I’d throw down with family around!
My in-laws live on a different continent and have no interest in visiting. I feel blessed. :-)
@ Arkady: How do you cook salmon in a dishwasher???? Inquiring minds need to know. . .
The only super-awkward part of my family holidays resolved itself when my mentally ill uncle was more or less banned from Christmas (though this was because he made [thankfully ineffectual] attempts to kill his grown son. :( )
Now we just pursue an aggressive campaign of silence on political issues and competitive Scrabble, and it works out okay.
Salmon. Cooked in a dishwasher. WHAT THE FLIP?
They own a dishwasher but not a microwave or an oven? I seriously had to look this up to find out that it’s a thind that people do. Why?
I’ll be getting drunk at an Orphan’s Xmas this year, so that’s me sorted.
Having avoided Thanksgiving, this is my first holiday since my break-up. This is also the first Christmas in years where I’m spending both Eve & Day at my parents’ place. Needless to say, I have already made plans to stash extra bottles of wine for myself in my sisters’ bedrooms.
Scrabble, anyone? =D
When my mom’s side of the family gets together, the alcohol flows like water. Before my cousin got married a few years ago, she brought her fiance to the family reunion, which is a weekend where the drinking starts on Friday evening and continues more or less non-stop until Sunday morning. He commented to me that we sure did drink a lot and my reply was to ask how he thought we all got along so well, considering the vast political and religious differences among us.
My husband’s family gatherings involve no alcohol, at least for members of his generation (although his uncles will enjoy the occasional beer). This is unfortunate, because alcohol would definitely help.
Jane: the steam that’s generated by the dishwasher cooks the salmon. Usually, it should be wrapped as well. Personally, if I were cooking steamed salmon, I’d prefer to go the old-fashioned way.
(I happen to be the oldest child of a chef. I just stick around for the food :D)
My parents, sister and I spend Christmas day in our pajamas, watching whatever season of House just came out on DVD. It’s the only show we can all agree to watch. We order Chinese food take-out and just chill. I like it.
Apples to Apples: check.
Wine & beer: check.
Only people I want to be around around? Check check!
My holiday todo list:
1. Chill.
2. Relax.
3. Sleep.
4. Talk with family.
5. Open presents.
6. Play videogames and guitar.
This article also reminds me of my family functions with extended family. Instead of everyone getting drunk though, it was just one person. Dear, that was embarassing.
Wow. So *not* funny to people who grew up with alcoholic parents that ruined every Christmas with screaming, crying, fighting, and passing out in the living room.
*Yes*, it’s a fricken problem.
My immediate family actually all get along fine. No drinking necessary, though my occasional glass of wine is going to get a lot fewer glares aimed at it from my little sister this year, now that she’s in college, so that’s nice. :D
(Er, we get along unless you do break out the Scrabble board…then it gets a leetle competitive. All our Germanic tribal roots come out, as well as the not-so-latent perfectionism. ;p)
Indeed my grandfather was an alcoholic. Sorry to hear about your Christmas experience – my grandpa at least had the decency to drink when nobody else was around.
I hear you. I grew up with an alcoholic mum, and no, it’s no fun.
Now that my mum is no longer around, we spend family outings (Christmas included) talking music, litterature, travel, politics, and so on and so forth, cook and enjoy great food, and maybe play a few games. Sure, there’s wine and beer etc., but getting drunk is just waisting a chance to see the family; I can get drunk with friends any day of the week if that’s what I want.
If spending time with family is hell, I suggest that the best way out is not to – or at least pick the slice of the family that works for you.
Yeah, I get that this was supposed to be flip and funny, and I get that many people cope with their families (or in-laws) with alcohol to varying degrees–but as jeffliveshere, Starwoman and David have all pointed out, it’s not a workable strategy for everyone, and in fact a pretty thoughtless suggestion to many of us.
Alcoholism runs in my partner’s family. I used to more or less self-medicate my (then undiagnosed) mental illness with alcohol. Spending Thanksgiving completely sober really opened my eyes to how much some of our relatives drink, and how much more unsettling that can be when I’m not also drinking. I’m actually a little worried about Christmas, because I don’t know how well some of my family will respond to me politely declining the inevitable alcohol offers.
But even just reacting to the original letter to Dear Prudence, it’s a problem because the letter-writer says it’s a problem. She’s willing to host massive, costly festivities at her own home to avoid these people–and, presumably, to enjoy her holidays without feeling like she has to get horribly drunk. I don’t really see anything hilarious about that.
I’m glad someone has already pointed out how problematic this is. Though I havent had any alcohol-related trauma, a lot of people have (including my grandmother; no alcohol at her place unless it’s in cooking). So, yeah, kinda insensitive.
Agreeing with MK, Starwoman, et. al. Alcohol has ruined more of my family functions than it has aided.
Word on the problematic boozing. It used to be fun — for the first half of the day, until that moment when one of us went too far in word/deed and the rest of the night descended into emotional and physical chaos — until we figured out half of us have a very real drinking problem.
Now we rely on Scrabble, which, considering the highly competitive nature of the family, causes almost just as much emotional chaos.
I’m glad that others have already brought up the dangers of relying on alcohol to survive social events. It might not be a bad idea to keep a thoughtful eye on your family members at Christmas parties, to make sure that they’re not succumbing to the silent disease of alcoholism. If they need help, they’re not going to be able to ask for it: you’ll need to offer it (and likely be rejected).
This year looks like it’ll be me and my mom alone while she cries over my dead dad. FUN TIMES. Not to mention the part where she cries about how her sister doesn’t like her enough to invite us for Christmas.
Seriously, I would rather do Chinese Christmas and movies and avoid the whole thing, but what with the impending crying, I have to find some way to entertain her. The last few years she’s gotten last minute invites to someone else’s house (which is totally weird when you don’t know anybody or barely know who invited you), which is also uncomfortable, but at least she doesn’t cry. So… crap.
In answer to the earlier questions, the salmon was cooked in a fish kettle in the dishwasher. Didn’t stop the soap getting in….
Arkady, that is impressive. I’ve never heard of anyone doing that, and I guess there’s a good reason.
My parents split up on Christmas Eve when I was six (or seven? Hell if I know.)
Still, I don’t hate Christmas. I ignore it, but not ina hostile kind of way. And my mom and I usually meet up some time between the holidays, peacably.
Alcoholism is a real thing. Trust me, I sat through many family get-togethers, social events, hanging with friends, dates, etc thinking: “all I have to do is get quietly drunk, no one will notice, and I’ll get through it just fine.” That left me desperate, alone, depressed, without friends, and trying to control everything in my life to no avail. I’d suggest if you look at every family event and the only solution is alcohol (funny or not) then to ask for some help. A twelve step program can be a wonderful and loving experience. My program changes and enhances my life every day, even if sometimes I’m the only feminist in the room, haha.
I LOL’d IRL.
Also, my sympathies.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
Arkady: Ok, now I’m curious. What is a fish kettle and where can I get one? I promise I won’t inflict soapy salmon on anyone.
My father will be meeting his daughter’s sperminator for the first time this holiday season and the results could be… interesting.
Being in the third month of spermination, I can’t even get drunk.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.
At everyone who mentioned the issues of alcoholism: Yeah, my mom’s side never has any alcohol. I never thought anything of it, until I realized that my grandma’s father was an alcoholic, so for her NO ALCOHOL IS OKAY. (But yay for competitive Scrabble!)
I’m not really sure why we have never drunk on my father’s side. . . there’s always a couple of bottles of wine sitting around, but no one opens them.
Does anyone else eat pizza for Christmas? We do (not Italian, we just eat pizza.)
I extend my sympathies to all those whose holidays will be rough this year. My sister is a recovering alcoholic, and while her drinking never really ruined any holidays in the past, spending last Christmas with my sober sister was amazing. It’s a very calm, happy feeling knowing that we can all be together for holidays and there won’t be any awkward uncomfortable moments due to her drinking.
Holidays with my family have been a lot easier to get through now that it’s okay for everyone to just drink through them. Putting up with emotionally abusive dry drunks while having to go without yourself on account of their supposedly under-control problem was really not a whole lot of fun. Ditching the toxic people and the related prohibition has made things a hell of a lot less stressful.
Spending Xmas alone this year, but that’s ok, ’cause my biological family sucks, and anyway I spent YULE with awesome neighbors and friends.
@ Jane: re the pizza, I’m half Japanese, and we always used to put on kimono on Christmas. It only strikes me as kind of bizarre in hind sight.