This guide has been compiled with your best interests at heart. If you think otherwise, just remember, you’re a little lady whose little lady brain is now addled by more hormones than ever! Best not to question the experts at this time, dear. * – Do note, however, that this guide extends only to dealings with polite society, which does not include various miscreants, shady individuals, and people who get their information on pregnancy from satanic abortion mills such as Planned Parenthood. This guide has been put together based on my own experiences so far, as well as the experiences of other pregnant ladies I have known.
1. Make sure it’s OK for you to procreate.
There are nice pregnant ladies, and not-so-nice pregnant ladies out there. Are you a pregnant lady whose skin is of the wrong colour? A pregnant lady who is not neurotypical? Even if you’ve answered “no” to these questions as well as similar ones – there may be other criteria for you to take note of. Do you own your home? Do you have a few billion dollars saved up for this kid’s college fund? Better yet, if you’re procreating with a male partner – is he the right sort of male partner? Does he practice the right kind of religion? No visible tattoos? That sort of thing. We don’t want any more undesirables in this world than we’ve got already.
2. It’s OK to get married when you’re already pregnant, just don’t talk about it!!!
So you were a brazen hussy – and now you’re pregnant. Thankfully, there’s someone in your life willing to make an honest woman out of you. Great! Get married as quickly as possible, but remember a few basic rules: it’s in poor taste for you to throw a party, wear white, or talk about this event as if it’s anything other than a solemn attempt to rescue you from your current status of Village Bicycle.
When the Man With the Visible Tattoos and I sent out our wedding invitations, we included a few humorous references to to the fact that I’m knocked up. Bad idea! Now some folks are talking about how he’s “humiliating” me, while other folks (or just one very resourceful individual with a whole lot of time on their hands) keep sending me anonymous e-mail messages about how I’m “trapping” the Man into marriage and ought to be “ashamed” of myself.
All of that could have been avoided if we had acted properly apologetic about my growing bump. And answered surprised questions along the lines of “But why isn’t Natalia slamming back drinks?” with something like, “Oh, she’s, um, on antibiotics.” And had already made arrangements for me to give birth in a convent in Siberia.
3. Leave the sexytime to Borat, please.
Conversation I had with a friend who recently got a whole lot of religion:
Friend: “And it’s plainly evident that sex only exists for procreation!”
Me: “But I’m already well on my way to procreating, and you know, I don’t desire Man With the Visible Tattoos any less than before, so if God really meant it for that ONE purpose, then…”
Friend: “Wait, what? Child abuse! Child abuse! You’re ABUSING YOUR CHILD and they’re NOT EVEN BORN YET!”
4. Everything you do has consequences for your child. And we literally mean everything.
Play violent video games? Child will turn out to be a serial killer.
Write a play with swear-words in it? Child will turn out to be a criminal.
Hang out on feminist blogs? Child will turn out “confused about his identity” and quite possibly “homogay.”
5. You can’t work anymore. But you can’t not work either.
Now that you’re pregnant, you have to quit everything you do, especially anything that has ever earned your money, in order to be a good mother. If that means you could potentially wind up broke – well, whatever. You should have thought of that before spreading your legs, ho.
Oh, and if you don’t work, we’ll call you Suzy Homemaker, make jokes about how boring you’ve become, and secretly hope your husband (if you’re not a hussy and actually have a husband) will run off with his secretary to escape your utter blandness. Hey, you used to be awesome, now you’re just a housewife – so what can we say? You should have thought about that before spreading your legs, ho.
Or else you can keep working, in whatever capacity, don’t come crying to us when your neglected kids become drug-runners for the mob. And certainly don’t come crying to us about lack of affordable child care. You *really* should have thought of that before spreading your legs, ho.
6. Only designer baby accessories are acceptable.
If it’s not made by Dolce & Gabbana, it’s probably carcinogenic.
7. But when it comes to how you dress – you really need to act the part of a nice pregnant lady.
“So Natalia, what are you wearing for the wedding?”
“Oh, I bought this really cool white minidress. And boots. Boots will also be involved.”
“OMG, are you SURE about that? I can just imagine what that kid will think when he takes a look at the wedding pictures!”
Moms and moms-to-be look a certain way, everyone knows that. You don’t want to confuse anyone. Or look like a ho.
8. Now is NOT THE TIME to tell anyone you’re pro-choice.
“So I guess now that you’re pregnant and experiencing the miracle of life inside your actual womb, you’ll take back all of that stuff you used to say about keeping abortion legal.”
“Ummm, if anything, I’m more pro-choice. I mean, seriously, nobody should be forced to go through pregnancy. That’s a direct violation of human rights.”
“You deserve to miscarry.”
9. Now is also NOT THE TIME, to tell anyone that this baby was “not planned.”
Everyone plans their baby. People who don’t plan their babies are acting like animals. Animals poop in the woods. You don’t want to be gross like that.
10. Pregnancy is the one thing little ladies are good for – or good at. If you don’t get pregnant, you’re a selfish bitch. But if you do get pregnant, you’re also a selfish bitch – so don’t think you’re special, little lady. And for God’s sake, don’t complain! Especially don’t complain about stuff that could scare off other little ladies from performing their sacred duty – which actually isn’t sacred at all.
Complain about your back hurting? You’re making a mockery of the sanctity of motherhood.
Worried about tearing during childbirth? EW, you’re being GROSS – and making a mockery of the sanctity of motherhood.
Haven’t started saving up for a personal trainer to help you lose the baby weight? Don’t complain when you wind up a fattie. Unless you were a fattie to begin with, in which case, see Point 1.
Scared about securing that maternity leave? Then you’re probably a socialist. Shoot yourself.
Now, remember to enjoy those pregnancies, ladies! “The nice young mother’s guide to not offending polite society” will hopefully be out sometime in the summer of 2011, so mark your calendars!