Mad Men writer Tracy McMillan explains to all of us ladies why we aren’t married (and we all want to be, obviously — just admit it, girls). How does Tracy McMillan know why we’re not married? Because she’s been married three times. Loves it. Loves it so much she does it over and over again, even with people who kind of suck. “Getting married is the best.” -Tracy McMillan. So even though she married “a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison,” the marital problem in America is you (“you” being you, woman). Obviously. Allow her to explain:
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
Actually, that is totally why I’m not married (although I’ll point out that Kim Kardashian isn’t married either, so). And this is also why McMillan’s whole piece is kind of genius — in explaining why we’re not married, she makes it really clear that it’s totally easy to find someone to marry you, if you’re willing to act like a complete doormat without a personality. Leaving any halfway intelligent reader to conclude, “Hmm, maybe I don’t want to get married just for the sake of Getting Married! Perhaps I will wait to find someone who actually likes women who have thoughts.”
The rest of the list is instructive — if you want to get married, you must never think about yourself; you must have no requirements for a man’s personality or physical appearance other than his willingness to commit; you must make it clear that you want to get married without actually ever saying the words “I want to get married;” you must not have sex, except with the man you want to marry you; and after you’ve accepted the fact that you aren’t married because you’re a bitch and a slut and a liar and shallow and selfish, you must — MUST! — love yourself.
The end. Happily ever after.