Weasel Attack

The local news is so great:

HOQUIAM, Wash. —

Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into a Hoquiam apartment and assaulted a man.

The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker said, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday night where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left carcass behind.

Police later found the suspect arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested the 33-year-old Hoquiam man after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

Just normal relationship stuff.

25 comments for “Weasel Attack

  1. Jim
    June 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Just normal Hoquiam stuff. Kurt Cobain was from just up the road.

  2. Rachel
    June 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    The morning show I listen to on the radio every morning has a news segment called “you can’t make this stuff up” and I just submitted this to them for that. I feel sorry for the woman, but this is just to funny.

  3. Lynnsey
    June 8, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Jim: A marten is a member of the weasel family.

    This is what makes it really funny. Not sure why…

  4. Annaleigh
    June 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    I love how the guy had to correct the man he punched on what kind of animal the marten is. It’s just so absurd.

  5. Tony
    June 8, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    So technically, a marten IS a weasel.

  6. June 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    So the moral of the story is that the victim was correct, right? It is also a weasel. That’s important. I can tell because it’s the last line of the story.

  7. June 8, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    I read marten as Martian.

  8. June 8, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    “It’s not a weasel, it’s a Martian.”

  9. June 8, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I like my violent criminals with a side of pedantry.

  10. Florence
    June 8, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Zuzu wins the thread.

  11. Florence
    June 8, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Also, it’s never a bad time to reference this video.

  12. June 8, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    …the frak???

  13. Bagelsan
    June 8, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    It kind of sounds like the attacker punched the other man because he called his marten a weasel. And I kind of hope that’s true, because that is hilarious.

  14. FashionablyEvil
    June 8, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    When do I get an xkcd strip that uses the phrase, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten!”?

  15. preying mantis
    June 8, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    I love news stories like that. The more boiled-down and clinical the report, the more likely even relatively mundane incidents are to sound completely absurd. Like, man bursts into apartment, occupant (unphased by the bursting in) questions him as to the carrying of the marten, the assailant takes offense at the mistake, corrects him, punches him in the nose, and then immediately flees. It’s like something out of a surrealist film.

  16. Bagelsan
    June 8, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    When do I get an xkcd strip that uses the phrase, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten!”?

    Doesn’t the entire incident sound a bit like something the man in the hat might do? :D

  17. machina
    June 9, 2011 at 4:17 am

    At least he didn’t try to… weasel out of it.

  18. Shaun
    June 9, 2011 at 4:32 am

    You guys just don’t understand how incredibly hurtful it is to have your special friend called a weasel.

    Why couldn’t all crime be like this?

  19. Jane
    June 9, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Few weeks ago a three-legged wiener dog was stolen from a farm by some activists. They made a big news story about that.

  20. Florence
    June 9, 2011 at 8:21 am

    I don’t mean to victim-blame, but what kind of ass mixes up a marten and a weasel?

  21. June 9, 2011 at 8:49 am

    I don’t mean to victim-blame, but what kind of ass mixes up a marten and a weasel?

    Just some common-sense-based questions…

    When you go to a petting zoo, how do you prevent the keepers from beating you up and stealing your pants? Do you just point at random animals and say “oooh, a deer!”, or do you read up on the various mammal species you may encounter at such a place in advance, or keep a copy of a zoography on you, so you don’t make a stupid statement and give the staff a reason to demonstrate what happens to foolish people who make ignorant statements?

    If you’re alone at night, and you don’t know the obvious difference between a marten and a weasel, do you go into parts of town where people may have martens or weasels unprepared to identify them?

    Let’s say I drink six beers in a half-hour after work, get behind the wheel of my car, run down three kids, fire my lawyer five times at trial, threaten the judge in open court, and get convicted. My first day in jail, my cellmate asks me whether the animal he’s looking at in a book borrowed from the prison library is a marten or a weasel. I guess wrong, he finds out, and later re-enacts the Beecher-shits-on-Schillinger scene from Oz in the gym as revenge, with me playing the role of Schillinger. Whose fault is that?

    I don’t need to provide answers. I’m just asking questions…

  22. Jim
    June 9, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Lynnsey: This is what makes it really funny. Not sure why…

    Technical question, Lynnsey – how did you get my name to show up over that quote? That could be very useful someday……..

  23. tinfoil hattie
    June 9, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Har de har, just another funny story about some deranged dude on his way to harm his girlfriend. I just can’t get enough of these!

  24. Lis
    June 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    In XKCD, it’s not a marten. It’s a ferret.

  25. fubarator
    June 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Nice marmot.

Comments are closed.