I should really be an advice columnist for all those people who write letters being like, “My husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/wife is really great and wonderful, and I love them so much, and everything in our relationship is completely perfect except they always tell me to go make them a sandwich bitch / stomp kittens to death for fun / have never tried to make me come / are completely repulsive / hide in porta-potties at yoga festivals but only sometimes.”
Throw that one out like yesterday’s trash.
Really, if you are writing these letters? Think about why in the world you would ever want to be with…
People who don’t brush their teeth or change their clothes for days on end and reside in a place that reeks of cat piss and where “there is a layer of dirt, hair and scum on practically every surface in the kitchen and bathroom.”
People who you are in a long-distance relationship with, but then ignore you when you come to visit them.
People who are condescending and mock you for your interests.
People who write to advice columnists whining about how their stay-at-home wives — who iron their shirts, make their lunch every day and care for the kids — sometimes leave shoes in the hallway.
People who snoop in your email and then use your sexual history against you.
Basically, if you are writing to an advice columnist and your letter starts off by swearing up and down that the person you’re complaining about is really nice and so great except they smell like a puppy mill and call you “cuntface” when they’re mad, just… stop. Stop stop stop stop stop.