Ask Dr. Jill

I’m not a doctor, but I am a really good advice-giver. Here is all of my advice today:

1. Champagne by the glass? Full pour. Your friend’s thing sucks? Don’t tell your friends their things suck, unless there is some compelling reason beyond, “No, his thing just REALLY SUCKS” (OR you don’t want to be friends anymore). Picky eater? No oysters, clams, frogs’ legs, duck or anything “gross”? DTMFA. Slash and burn. (JUST KIDDING, you don’t have to dump her, I know you love her and we should all be so lucky to find someone with whom we can imagine spending the rest of our lives, eating only foods that are white, and relationships are all about compromise and adjustment, and obviously rational and mature adults do not end relationships over one party’s refusal to sample the raw bar. Unless we’re using the term “sample the raw bar” as sexual innuendo, in which case rational and mature adults absolutely do end relationships over that, but assuming we’re talking about actual shellfish that come from the sea, a strong relationship should transcend minor issues like who eats what, and learning to accept even the things you don’t adore about your partner is part of being a real grown-up in a long-term relationship which inevitably has ups and downs, and naturally involves another complex and flawed human being whose individuality necessitates them having some characteristics that are unlike your own and may be somewhat apart from your ideal. But I would totally dump her, because who the fuck doesn’t like oysters?).

2. Aren’t attracted to the person you’re with? DTMFA.

3. Girlfriend keeps cheating on you? DTMFA.

4. Found a photo of your boyfriend’s balls on Craig’s List? DTMFA.

5. Sweet Jesus, tell that old man you ran over his cat!

34 comments for “Ask Dr. Jill

  1. Gary He
    July 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    This makes no damn sense, woman.

  2. Cleo
    July 21, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    OMG yes re: number 1. Not true for all people, but personally I’m with you 100%. Food and eating are super-important to me, and, having lived with an extremely fussy eater for two years previously, I second your DTMFA vote. It’s a fundamental incompatibility.

  3. Mr. Kristen J.
    July 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Picky eater?

    To Kristen: Oh well, its been a good marriage, but Dr. Jill has instructed me to dump you if you do not try my spiced cuttlefish, again. Also, I extrapolate that if you do not accept the comic genius of Leslie Nielsen I will also be required to dump you.

    • July 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

      To Kristen: Oh well, its been a good marriage, but Dr. Jill has instructed me to dump you if you do not try my spiced cuttlefish, again. Also, I extrapolate that if you do not accept the comic genius of Leslie Nielsen I will also be required to dump you.

      OBVIOUSLY. Basically everyone should just dump everyone else.

      Also, the Feministe commentariat is going to be VERY EXCITED that Kristen and Mr. Kristen are both now single.

  4. Tony
    July 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Let me guess– a PhD in physiology from Belford University?

  5. July 21, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Mr. Kristen J.:
    Picky eater?

    To Kristen:Oh well, its been a good marriage, but Dr. Jill has instructed me to dump you if you do not try my spiced cuttlefish, again.Also, I extrapolate that if you do not accept the comic genius of Leslie Nielsen I will also be required to dump you.

    If she won’t eat it, can I have it?

  6. July 21, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Sometimes a MF just needs to be dumped already. Why people put themselves through such hell to stay with people who are clearly not suited to them is a mystery to me.

  7. July 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Jill: Also, the Feministe commentariat is going to be VERY EXCITED that Kristen and Mr. Kristen are both now single.

    I’m not! It means I have to pick…

  8. PrettyAmiable
    July 21, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Can we please discuss that I once dated a guy for like three years, had fucked him for 2.5 or so, and would NEVER have been able to identify his balls in a photo unless, like, his dog was in the background of the pic?

  9. Shaun
    July 21, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    PrettyAmiable:
    Can we please discuss that I once dated a guy for like three years, had fucked him for 2.5 or so, and would NEVER have been able to identify his balls in a photo unless, like, his dog was in the background of the pic?

    You must be ball-blind.

  10. niepolski
    July 21, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    My kind of advice! And I’d try the spiced cuttlefish.

  11. Pidgey
    July 21, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Jill, me and several other people will always be jealous of Dan Savage for successfully turning telling people to break up into a high paying career.

  12. July 21, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    Seriously, I wouldn’t recognize my own fucken sacke in a photograph.

  13. Kristen J.
    July 21, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Ahem…I would point out that I am the one who arranged to have a friend in Japan send him his favorite cuttlefish since its no longer sold a Shirokya. Also, Airplane is NOT FUNNY.

  14. Amarantha
    July 22, 2011 at 12:41 am

    To be fair, the ball sac in question was identifiable not because of its physical characteristics, but because the advice seeker snooped on her boyfriend’s computer and saw his Craigslist ad or replies to the ad, or something like that. Whoever can identify a random pair of balls in a lineup should get some kind of reward.

  15. Bonn
    July 22, 2011 at 2:16 am

    Good lord, it’s hard enough having picky friends and picky family members. I don’t even live anywhere near my brother and I want to kill him for his eating habits alone. I think the number of things he won’t eat outnumbers the things he will.

    One friend is super picky about food, always wants me to watch her eat (but never wants to go to a restaurant where I can eat–I have food allergies so I can’t eat at most restaurants), corrects everything I say about anything, and never watches the news. If she were my significant other I’d have dumped her long ago. As it is, she annoys the shit out of me, but I stick with her because I feel bad that I don’t think she knows how obnoxious she really is.

  16. Florence
    July 22, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Kristen J.: Also, Airplane is NOT FUNNY.

    NAKED GUN???

  17. lundy
    July 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

    “Airplane is NOT FUNNY.”

    Blasphemy!

    Oh, the cat letter was so sad. I can’t imagine not knowing if my cat was dead or missing. At least leave an anonymous note. I couldn’t get over Prudence’s advice on that one.

  18. anotherpickyeater
    July 22, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Re 1, because boundaries are only for the bedroom, right?

    Seriously, there should be some DTMFA already going on, by the Picky Eater–honey, life’s too short to be nagged. to. death. at. meals. Food–even plain stuff–is too much fun for that. Find somebody who understands the word ‘no’ and respects it.

  19. Kristen J.
    July 22, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Florence: NAKED GUN???

    NOT FUNNY.

  20. July 22, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Kristen J.: NOT FUNNY.

    Okay, but that episode of M*A*S*H?

  21. Sheelzebub
    July 22, 2011 at 11:43 am

    If someone was great in every other respect, I wouldn’t care so much if they were picky eaters. But I’d drop them like a bad fucking habit if they made faces or “ewwww” noises or went on and on about how gross my food was. That shit is obnoxious.

    (And yes, I deal with that shit now. Look, I get some people don’t like udon, but don’t fucking sit there when I’m eating my lunch and tell me that it looks like I’m eating white worms. That’s an asshole move.)

  22. Kristen J.
    July 22, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Jadey: Okay, but that episode of M*A*S*H?

    COMPLETELY FUNNY.

  23. July 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Kristen J.: COMPLETELY FUNNY.

    See, you do like Leslie Nielsen!

  24. Florence
    July 22, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Jadey: See, you do like Leslie Nielsen!

    So wait, Kristen and Mr. Kristen are staying together then? Because I was hoping for the dog.

  25. Sheelzebub
    July 22, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Florence: So wait, Kristen and Mr. Kristen are staying together then? Because I was hoping for the dog.

    I was hoping for the spiced cuttlefish.

  26. preying mantis
    July 22, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    lundy:
    Oh, the cat letter was so sad. I can’t imagine not knowing if my cat was dead or missing. At least leave an anonymous note. I couldn’t get over Prudence’s advice on that one.

    Yeah. Anonymous note time. “Please stop looking for your cat, I accidentally hit him with my car, he was killed instantly and didn’t suffer, I’m so, so sorry.” Especially since the old dude’s been such an asshole, it’s probably crossed his mind at least once that somebody killed/hurt his cat in retaliation. Letting him know the cat didn’t suffer and that it was an accident would probably be a huge relief.

  27. scrumby
    July 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    But I would totally dump her, because who the fuck doesn’t like oysters?

    People who don’t like red tide poisoning.

  28. Florence
    July 22, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    scrumby: People who don’t like red tide poisoning.

    And people who don’t like phlegm.

  29. July 22, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Not really related but oddly enough my favourite Leslie Nielsen movie is actually a drama, not a comedy.

    And how does Firefox not recognize movie as a word?

  30. Azeylea M.
    July 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Andie:
    And how does Firefox not recognize movie as a word?

    Firefox only recognizes film. ;)

  31. IrishUp
    July 22, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Florence: And people who don’t like phlegm.

    But ZOMG, have you even *tried* phlegm from Wellfleet? A little lemon, cocktail sauce and horseraddish = really yummy, you should try it!

  32. DouglasG
    July 22, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Oh, yes, that poor cat. If the couple really isn’t going to own up now, I’d hope that at least there would be one of those Odd Job Services nearby so that someone could inform the neighbour (and perhaps negotiate a settlement) while protecting their anonymity, if such is possible. Even if the neighbour doesn’t deserve such respect or consideration, the cat does.

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