Kosher sex toys

I mean sure, why not.

According to the site, KosherSexToys.net’s mission is “to provide married adults with products that can help enhance their intimate moments without involving crude or indecent pictures or text,” and promises to send all purchases without any crude packaging or inappropriate accompanying materials.

The site stresses that it is “obviously only for married adults”, and prides itself in containing no “crude or indecent pictures or text”.

“We believe that only two people belong in the bedroom – and bringing pictures of others in can only harm a marriage,” the site says.

KosherSexToys.net claims to be the only “kosher” website for sex toys on the internet, and promises that “you will never see something on this site that will make you blush. When we need to use descriptive terms for our products, we use clinical and clean language.”

Great that more people can experience the joys of sex toys, and basics like lube.

Bad that this is being positioned as a “clean” alternative to the dirty sex shops that recognize human beings are using their toys.

Confusing that it’s “obviously only for married adults.” Are they going to require proof of marriage to order online?

Interesting that the best-selling item on the website is furry handcuffs.

30 comments for “Kosher sex toys

  1. Lisa
    October 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I see the problems with this, but I for one like the idea of purchasing sex toys that don’t feature surgically enhanced and/or photoshopped woman on the packaging which you find a lot in mainstream sex shops. Also, from the standpoint of singles or couples who have porn free relationships, it might be nice to not see porn when shopping for a vibrator or lube. Maybe the goal wasn’t to say that other sex shops are “dirty”, but perhaps it was an attempt to cash-in on a market that finds them not to their taste.

  2. CQ
    October 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    I read about a similar site a couple years ago — a Christian couple (pastor and his wife, I believe) who have a website that sells sex toys without the “smut” to help Christian married couples keep some excitement in their marriage. Cannot find the website while at work, however.

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  4. October 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    But creating backstories for the people on the packaging is half the fun!

    As for the clinical and clean language I wonder if they will describe the actual uses for the toys (I can’t check for myself at the moment) and drop the “This is a novelty item. Not intended for internal use.” and similar messages that I see so often on packaging to circumvent certain laws.

  5. anna
    October 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    “Interesting that the best-selling item on the website is furry handcuffs”

    I figure it’s what really vanilla people think of when they try to think of kink.

    The real question is, will any religious couples try kink with (gasp!) the man as the submissive? If so, will it lead them to rethink the sexist aspects of their tradition (not that I’m singling out Jews, I know just about every religion has sexist ideas). Or will they just (trigger warning) force kink on their wives as an extension of religious wifely submission? When you’re thanking G-d every day that HE didn’t make you a woman, it isn’t quite out of consideration. You should see some of the Christian Quiverfull websites, too, all about how Hubby is the representative of the Lord and they must always obey, not to mention have sex exactly as The Man wants it, whenever he does. It’s like all these vanilla women are forced into hardcore 24/7 BDSM. Though of course, real BDSM requires consent.

    Sigh. Sorry to drag this down. I’m just not feeling too optimistic today. Hope it works out for them though.

  6. October 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I’ve known about the whole “Kosher Sex” concept for a while. I’m actually down with one part of it, the idea that you should be able to have a great sexy monogamous relationship without bringing in fantasies or images of other people. It makes sense to me that 2 people who vow to only be with each other should be making porn tapes of themselves and masturbating to that instead of to Twillight or Backdoor Sluts 9. Of course, the rest of it I could skip–the fetish for modest demure females especially.

    I just did a Google search for “sex toys” and clicked on some random links to compare. The dildos and vibrators don’t have porny pictures advertising them, but the BDSM equipment ads do use female models. So my guess is that orthodox Jewish couples wanting lube are already buying KY at the pharmacy, and those wanting dildos are already using the mainstream sites, leaving the BDSM’ers to get offended and come here.

    PS I’ve done a lot of commenting before on this blog with just the name “Sarah” and no link…the false modesty ends now. If you’re wondering which of the “Sarah” posts belong to me and which to the other one, I’m the one who’s posted repeatedly on mental health rights issues.

  7. Iam138
    October 11, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Wow. I typed one joke, and then jokes just started flowing off my fingers onto the keyboard. And I don’t think one of them would be inoffensive to someone here, so I’m not posting any. But they were really funny, at least to me.

    A loss for all the sophomoric ex-Jews among us.

  8. October 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    @anna: I used to work as a professional dominatrix. Lotta orthodox guys came in wanting to submit, saying they couldn’t get this at home with their wives. One in particular I remember, he was into fight scenes where the man calls the woman a bitch and then the woman physically dominates him and makes him apologize and say that he’s a bitch and women are stronger. Afterwards he said he’d asked his wife to do this and she refused, that he loved his life in the orthodox Jewish community yadda yadda except for this one thing, this overriding desire he hated himself for. I was like, yeah, sure, you’ll be back.

    Of course if I was an overworked fundamentalist woman raising a ton of kids with a husband too “holy” to do housework, I’d probably be too tired to welcome any kind of innovation in the bedroom, and a submissive guy trying to nag you into domming him isn’t exactly rethinking the sexist aspects of his tradition. But the fact that so many of these assholes couldn’t get their kink at home shows that their wives have a little more autonomy than you think.

  9. October 11, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Some people, religious or otherwise, are genuinely uncomfortable with the overtly sexual. But you’d be surprised at just how many religious people are not. That’s something I always have to underscore when speaking with certain people. I’m not exactly into whips and chains, but I can be honest with my sexual proclivities and interests.

    I’m just as much of a sexual being as anyone else and the same always goes for my partner. I may be more discreet, but that’s at least partially a cultural distinction. Lots of people are in the closet as regards their sexual lives and sexual selves.

  10. Sid
    October 11, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    The “clean”liness seems to refer to simply the images/photographs they use and the language on the products. I don’t know how this is any different than a kosher butchershop selling kosher meat and advancing the benefits to a niche group over other meat.

  11. chava
    October 11, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Well, power to them. Anything that gets more vibrators out there is probably a Good Thing.

    The descriptions and circumlocutions on that website are hilarious, though.

  12. October 11, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    I’m actually on board with the idea of less pornified marketing for sex toys as well. Avoiding porny pics and stuff may also help to reduce overly heterocentric or stereotypical marketing and packaging as well. I’m sure hetero couples are not the only people using these products.. let’s not pretend they are by constantly having the happy cis-hetero couple looking lustily at each other (or in other cases.. maybe it’s not just gay men that enjoy a good butt-plugg once in a while, amirite?)

    Losing the porneriffic couples on the front opens up the intended market because it doesn’t imply who they’re supposed to be for.. although the company does a good job with their ‘only for married couples’ shpiel.

  13. October 11, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    I was hoping that the site would be filled with awkward euphamisms, but it sounded like any other mainstream sex toy site (read: not the fun ones!) with slightly more overt emphasis on “husband and wife”. The products were certainly all the same.

    I do wish I could get Google to tell me how often people search for “kosher sex toys”.

  14. Alex
    October 11, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    Given that circumcision removes the naturally lubricating skin structure of the penis, lube seems like a certain necessity.

  15. DanaR
    October 12, 2011 at 2:36 am

    Erm, I have to say I agree with the OP. Would be cool to have stuff without the hideous tacky packaging, but the rhetoric is judgemental as hell. I mean really:

    The site stresses that it is “obviously only for married adults”, and prides itself in containing no “crude or indecent pictures or text”.

    “We believe that only two people belong in the bedroom – and bringing pictures of others in can only harm a marriage,” the site says.

    That sounds like a pretty close-minded approach. A pity, since a slightly more conservative sex shop is not a bad idea.

    To ramble slightly; I’ve always been bemused by extremely badly done stereotypical porn images of women sucking on dildos on packaging for vibrators… for women… the % of women who are not only gay but also keen on overly made up, badly photoshopped pictures of women sucking fake cock has to be pretty small in the market. O_o

  16. October 12, 2011 at 4:28 am

    andie:
    I’m actually on board with the idea of less pornified marketing for sex toys as well.

    Yeah, but you can get the same depornified experience shopping online at Babeland, can’t you? This website is providing a rare service, but that service is to be able to buy from a website with lots of MARRIED HET CIS COUPLE language.

  17. chava
    October 12, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Noooo, not always. Or even frequently. Most circ’d guys I know don’t seem to feel a greater need for it (nor their partner, unless there’s a need on that end). I suppose lube might help, depending on the couple. Heaven knows, it certainly can’t hurt!

    But anyway, can we not turn this into “Jewish guys have sexual dysfunction/neuroses because they circumcise?” Thanks.

    Alex:
    Given that circumcision removes the naturally lubricating skin structure of the penis, lube seems like a certain necessity.

  18. October 12, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Computer Soldier Porygon: Yeah, but you can get the same depornified experience shopping online at Babeland, can’t you?This website is providing a rare service, but that service is to be able to buy from a website with lots of MARRIED HET CIS COUPLE language.

    I don’t know.. can I? I’m not familiar with it. Full-disclosure: I rarely if ever buy sex toys online. Anything I’ve bought I’ve gotten from Passion Parties or Fantasia parties.

  19. chava
    October 12, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Don’t, er, a LOT of guys come to see a dominatrix because they can’t get it with their wives/partners? I thought that was a big chunk of business.

    And yeah, it’s no news that observant women are not All Oppressed.

    Sarah Harper:
    I used to work as a professional dominatrix. Lotta orthodox guys came in wanting to submit, saying they couldn’t get this at home with their wives. One in particular I remember, he was into fight scenes where the man calls the woman a bitch and then the woman physically dominates him and makes him apologize and say that he’s a bitch and women are stronger. Afterwards he said he’d asked his wife to do this and she refused, that he loved his life in the orthodox Jewish community yadda yadda except for this one thing, this overriding desire he hated himself for. I was like, yeah, sure, you’ll be back.

    Of course if I was an overworked fundamentalist woman raising a ton of kids with a husband too “holy” to do housework, I’d probably be too tired to welcome any kind of innovation in the bedroom, and a submissive guy trying to nag you into domming him isn’t exactly rethinking the sexist aspects of his tradition. But the fact that so many of these assholes couldn’t get their kink at home shows that their wives have a little more autonomy than you think.

  20. Elena
    October 12, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Comrade Kevin: Some people, religious or otherwise, are genuinely uncomfortable with the overtly sexual. But you’d be surprised at just how many religious people are not.
    Lots of people are in the closet as regards their sexual lives and sexual selves.

    I actually asked the priest (he was a really cool priest) at my Catholic high school about kink within the context of a marriage–and can you do sexual acts that aren’t vaginal intercourse in a marriage? Provided that you’re not using “artificial contraception” of course *sigh* He laughed and said “Once you’re married, I don’t think the Church really cares how you get your freak on.”
    Oh, how I miss that priest. So, to make my point, I don’t think it’s necessarily the religions themselves (though sometimes it is) that make kink so bad, but it’s the way religious people interpert it. I mean, there are non-religious people who are kink-averse too, soooo…maybe it’s a cultural thing? I don’t know.

  21. October 12, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Picking up on Sarah Harper’s point, topping and doing it well is work. Both my spouse and I have the problem that with careers and kids, sometimes we’re too tired to plan and run the scenes that we want as tops, and that each other want as bottoms.

  22. DouglasG
    October 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    This reminds me of a section of Tom Perrotta’s (he wrote *Election*) *The Abstinence Teacher*. One of the two main characters belongs to an evangelical Christian sect with a pastor who offers explicit counseling to couples he has put together. I haven’t listened to the audiobook in a few months (yay for Job Lot stores!) but have a recollection of it seeming in part oddly positive and in part creep-inducing at the same time.

  23. anna
    October 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    “lube seems like a certain necessity.”

    And for women too!

  24. anna
    October 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    A LOT of straight women are having painful sex because lube isn’t on their radar as something straight couples need, let me tell you.

  25. October 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Andie: I don’t know.. can I?

    I think so!

  26. October 12, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Years ago I took a corporate project management class for beginners. One really good piece of advice I got in the course was “projects are more likely to succeed if you only add one untried thing at a time.”

    The target market for alt-sex toy sites like this (or the ones for evangelicals, Mormons, immigrant communities, etc.) tend to be people who are pretty anxious and/or guilty-feeling about trying vibrators, lube, sleeves, or fuzzy handcuffs in the first place. So for a lot of them the prospect of also dealing with lurid packaging or text is pushing it too far.

    And sure, they might be up for more once they get over their initial anxiety. But they need a chance to get over it first. Shops like these help alt-community people take things one at a time.

    And if they never go past vibrators? Well, orgasmic sex isn’t just for cool or kinky people anymore anyway.

    figleaf

  27. October 12, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Also, “Given that circumcision removes the naturally lubricating skin structure of the penis, lube seems like a certain necessity.”

    Seriously?

    figleaf

  28. Kelly
    October 14, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Sarah Harper: @anna: I used to work as a professional dominatrix. Lotta orthodox guys came in wanting to submit, saying they couldn’t get this at home with their wives. One in particular I remember, he was into fight scenes where the man calls the woman a bitch and then the woman physically dominates him and makes him apologize and say that he’s a bitch and women are stronger. Afterwards he said he’d asked his wife to do this and she refused, that he loved his life in the orthodox Jewish community yadda yadda except for this one thing, this overriding desire he hated himself for. I was like, yeah, sure, you’ll be back.</P

    Funny how the stigma they have attached to “non-kosher sex” is what led this man to seek it out in the first place. It’s only a matter of time before what you forbid the most becomes what they desire most. If they want to be religious and philosphical about it, the most organic example from religious teachings would be that of Eve and the Forbidden Fruit. Tell her she can’t have it and now she wants it. Leave it alone and so will she.

    Elena: “Once you’re married, I don’t think the Church really cares how you get your freak on

    Really, if they want some kink in the bedroom, let them have it. I’m not really sure what stance God would take on sex toys (kosher or not) but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t care.

  29. Amelia ze lurker
    October 15, 2011 at 1:37 am

    “I used to work as a professional dominatrix. Lotta orthodox guys came in wanting to submit, saying they couldn’t get this at home with their wives.”

    Pop culture derail: Is anybody familiar with Woody Allen’s 1972 sketch movie “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)”? There’s a segment called “What Are Sex Perverts?” (every segment is like a chapter of the book, with obsolete terms like “pervert,” “sodomy,” etc…no relation to the chapters of the real book by David Reuben, AFAIK), which features a parody of the game show “What’s My Line?” called “What’s My Perversion?” wherein the winner gets to act out their fantasy. The winner is a rabbi whose fantasy to be tied up with silk stockings while his wife is (presumably compelled) to eat pork. Although he is supposedly the submissive in the scenario, with his wife’s pork consumption being part of the humiliation, there’s obviously a component of her being humiliated at well. His wife isn’t into it at all. Anyway, this seemed relevant.

  30. Amelia ze lurker
    October 15, 2011 at 1:45 am

    Hear hear!

    anna:
    “lube seems like a certain necessity.”

    And for women too!

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