M0nk3y cr0tch

Embarrassing story (though not for me): When my brother* was about seven years old, he and his best friend would run around the house yelling out bad words and feeling terribly naughty about it. The problem was, being seven, they didn’t actually know any really bad words, and “pantyhose” was the absolute naughtiest one they knew, so they ran around the house yelling “pantyhose.”

Thank God they hadn’t come across “monkey crotch.”

With a creativity and dedication to the task unusual for local officialdom, [Pakistan’s] telecoms regulator has issued a list of more than 1000 words and phrases which will be banned.

After serious deliberation and consultation, officials from the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) have come up with more than 50 phrases using the word “fuck” and 17 involving “butt.”

The bans, the agency says, is intended to control spam, and the texts themselves are not to be monitored or recorded.

A few samplings to pass along to your seven-year-old brothers to provide a little variety:

– athlete’s foot
– breast
– condom
– deposit
– fairy
– fingerfood
– flatulence
– fondle
– harder
– headlights
– herpes
– hostage
– intercourse
– Jesus Christ
– love pistol
– premature
– tampon
– tongue
– quickie
– Wuutang

Everybody now: “Tampon! Tampon! Tampon! Tampon! Tampon!”

*Dude, you’re welcome.

16 comments for “M0nk3y cr0tch

  1. November 20, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    File under “Hilarious”, cross-reference with “Futile”.

  2. November 20, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    The first thing I thought of was an episode of Newsradio where Lisa is trying to interview kids at the White House easter egg hunt and the one kid just keeps yelling pantyhose.

    My second thought was the day at work when we opened a discussion forum on our site, and our IT managers task for the day was to come up with a list of all the offensive words he could possibly think of.

    That was a good day.

  3. November 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    Hostage is on the list?

    Suspicious.

  4. Juke
    November 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Enough is Enough! I have had it with these love-pistol-depositing headlights on this tongue-fondling flatulence!

    Everybody strap in! I’m about to open a premature Wuutang.

  5. November 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    andie: My second thought was the day at work when we opened a discussion forum on our site, and our IT managers task for the day was to come up with a list of all the offensive words he could possibly think of.

    Regretsy is always a useful resource for this.

  6. Mezzanine
    November 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    “Bank tellers experienced a terrifying afternoon today, when an angry gunman took them hostage for several hours. According to the emergency swat team at the scene, intercourse between a teller and the man had broken down when he attempted to make a deposit and the teller had made an inappropriate comment about his flatulence.
    The situation was eventually resolved when the swat team met the gunman’s demands for a delivery of fingerfood and chicken breasts, after which the hostages were released unharmed.
    When asked for comment, the swat team captain shrugged and said, ‘I’ve had harder days.’ ”

    :)

    (Couldn’t figure out how to get ‘love pistols’ into it…)

  7. November 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    I find the most baffling one to be “headlights”. Is that some yet to be undiscovered sex position? [A search of Urban Dictionary only turns up “Deer in Headlights”.]

  8. Caity
    November 20, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    Mezzanine:
    “Bank tellers experienced a terrifying afternoon today, when an angry gunman took them hostage for several hours. According to the emergency swat team at the scene, intercourse between a teller and the man had broken down when he attempted to make a deposit and the teller had made an inappropriate comment about his flatulence.
    The situation was eventually resolved when the swat team met the gunman’s demands for a delivery of finger food and chicken breasts, after which the hostages were released unharmed.
    When asked for comment, the swat team captain shrugged and said, ‘I’ve had harder days.’”

    :)

    (Couldn’tfigureouthowtoget‘lovepistols’intoit…)

    When questioned as to why resorted to firearms instead more peaceful means of redress, he shrugged and replied “I love pistols”.

  9. Anonymous
    November 21, 2011 at 12:31 am

    “Headlights” are, I believe, breasts.

  10. McAllen
    November 21, 2011 at 12:54 am

    FYI, apparently the list in from the NFL Shop, not Pakistan

  11. karak
    November 21, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Story similar to yours: my brother and I found a new word in a book, “Majestical”. We had no idea what it meant so we were tearing around the house screaming “I’M MAJESTICAL”. And then my mom came out of her room and had a complete fit and we were in deep shit. Why? She heard us saying, “I’M A TESTICLE!”

    That was even MORE awkward to explain to us than “majestical”.

  12. Raja
    November 21, 2011 at 5:42 am

    Why am I not surprised?

  13. preying mantis
    November 21, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Wait, wait. Wuutang? What?

  14. jrockford
    November 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    There was a webcomic awhile back about how in popular culture in the United States pretty much any plural noun can be used as a slang term for breasts. If “headlights” is on there, I imagine such inventiveness could cause a lot of future updates to this list.

  15. Heather
    November 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    You can’t text someone about athlete’s foot? Wow.

  16. November 22, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Has no one else noticed that the comments on the law were submitted by “Mr Naveed Khalid Butt?

    Poor Mr Butt! Caught in a web of his own making!

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