FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “So a girl and a vibrator walk onto a plane…” edition

Background on FNTT here. Click through to read this round’s contenders. The usual reminder: Comments below are abusive, insulting and may be triggering. This particular edition is just Part 1 of the many, many, many comments left on Feministe after a thoroughly humiliating event that I would be happy to never talk about ever again and wish I could erase from the whole of the internet, but which clearly is going nowhere, and brought out such amazing trolls that it just doesn’t seem fair not to highlight them. The first five are below.

1. Rivethead:

So she was mortified that someone commented on her sex toys, and not at all mortified that she was dumb enough to pack sex toys that several people would see, comment or no!?
Somebody fuckin’ slap this bitch.

2. nobody:

That’s a woman’s handwriting. I think it was just a nod of approval from one ‘sista’ (we are talking about thew TSA, right?) to another

3. Steve:

I wonder if he tried to smell it? I would.

4. Brian:

Convenient for a “feminist” to find such a message on a “TSA notice”. What’s your point? Did you get the attention that your fatherless life did not give you? Take it up with your mother, I can imagine that she was extremely difficult to live with.

5. fuck-a-feminist (email address: mydickisbig@mydickisbig.cum):

Fuq the dildo, Jill, if you had this dick you would not need a dildo. Hell, I thought all feminists were ugly drag bulldyke bitches, but I would so hit that, Jill. Call me, bitch.


About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
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89 Responses to FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “So a girl and a vibrator walk onto a plane…” edition

  1. fuck-a-feminist was just too obvious for me, it was like he was reading from The Big Book of Anti-Woman Cliches. I had to go with Rivethead for multiple reasons:

    1. The repeated assertion that she packed multiple sex toys, despite no.
    2. The idea that she would somehow know for certain that people would see the toy in question.
    3. The idea that because a women has the NERVE to pack her own vibrator in her own bag, she deserves a beating. Quality human being.

  2. emandink says:

    It was close between nobody and Brian, but nobody’s casual racism won me over Brian’s worn out blame-the-mother fact “questioning”.

  3. JGirl says:

    I had to go with Steve on this round. His comment is simple, straightforward and horrifying.

  4. Nahida says:

    fuck-a-feminist

    LMFAO WTF.

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  5. Nahida says:

    Though I must admit, Steve’s comment was a close second.

  6. Andie says:

    F-A-F hands-down. It’s like he wrote the book on trolling and is following it to the letter.. complete with stupid pointless misspelling.

  7. Jadey says:

    I’ve just got to go with the guy who sounds like a 1-800 number. Call me, BITCH. Who could resist?

    Jill, if it helps, I’ve actually gone a few weeks without thinking about your vag.

  8. Donna L says:

    I also had to go with Steve’s comment; it was just so sublimely piquant.

  9. accalmie says:

    I appreciate Brian’s “fatherless life”, but I have to go with Steve in the end, because holy crap…

  10. Laurie says:

    Gotta go with fuck-a-feminist!!!!! Call me, bitch!

  11. William says:

    FAF gets my vote because he failed to leave a number for Jill to contact him at. Talk about missed connections here, we coulda been hearing wedding bells by now.

  12. igglanova says:

    Totally Steve. His is almost innocently creepy.

  13. ginmar says:

    I”m going for the dark horse, here, “nobody” because he manages to pack in so many dogwhistles. “Sista”—racism. “The new TSA”—-aw, implication of PCness and all kinds of other stuff. “That’s a woman’s handwriting”—-I bet he posted this after the TSA worker had been IDd already. Finally, diminishing it—“oh, it’s just a nod of approval.”

  14. Deborah Lipp says:

    “fatherless life” FTW. Talk about left field!

  15. Shawn says:

    Steve. Bet he works for the TSA.

  16. Count me among the “fans” of f-a-f’s cry for love, attention, and personal phone calls. Steve’s succinct oversharing was a close #2, and Mr. Racial Prejudice took 3rd place.

  17. 10G says:

    William–YES!! And you’d think if F-A-F’s package was THAT, um, “promising”, he’d be waving it up and down the street and on Youtube.

  18. Emolee says:

    Steve, because I was not prepared for that comment, and I think he is serious.

  19. Anon21 says:

    Brian, for implying that either Jill isn’t a feminist or that feminist isn’t a real thing. (I really enjoy silly scare quotes.)

  20. jrockford says:

    Gotta go with ‘nobody’ on this one. Weird, “not really veiled” racism for the lose.

  21. annajcook says:

    Mmm. fuck-a-feminist almost got my vote for the thoroughness with which s/he created the false email, but it was almost too blatant.

    In the end, I went with Steve for being short, stinky, and to the creep-tastic point.

  22. Suzanne B. says:

    Tough call, but I’m going to go with nobody. The racism, the rigid gender rules (every woman is identifiable by her feminine handwriting! IN PINK!)… so much packed into so little. And since this is FNTT, we’re looking for Potential for Growth. I think nobody’s got that “it” factor.
    Now to find out if he can smize.

  23. Computer Soldier Porygon says:

    Team Brian!

  24. Jjuliaava says:

    such difficult decisions! brian or fuq-a-feminist?
    brian because he obviously is projecting serious childhood issues
    FUQ because FAQ! And I think he wants Jill to call him a bad name? Nope, hands down it is FAQ and his big dick since he thinks people who want equality simply must be eh-hem “UGLY DRAG BULLDYKE BITCHES” and that is pretty creative like the various ways to spell fuck. Plus he is pissed off about dildos! HAHA!

  25. jennifer says:

    Rivethead for suggestion of violence and suggestion that good girls don’t… FAF second place for the “bitch” remark–also, an ugly drag bulldyke bitch? WTF? Brian third for the air of superior dismissiveness.

  26. Jane says:

    Steve, because WTF, and WTF, and still WTF????

  27. number9 says:

    FAF, because he can’t tell the difference between a dildo and a vibrator.

  28. Miku says:

    It must have been hard narrowing it down to five. That thread was full of the worst people imaginable. I voted for Brian because he’s the only one who questioned whether this was real or a set up.

  29. Miku says:

    @number9 TO BE FAIR, it wasn’t disclosed until later what the item in question was.

  30. Iam138 says:

    I went with 3., Steve, because his was the most instantly laughable. To be fair, I thought Brian was good, and Fuck-a-Feminist was funny. But Steve was the best.

  31. Jo says:

    Oh god, these are hilarious in their stupidity… And they also make me feel bad for laughing at them. Must have been horrible, Jill, to have all that directed at you for something so harmless! *hugs*

  32. schnei says:

    yo, it’s all about nobody here. I mean we’re talking about the TSA, right???? high five.

  33. superior olive says:

    Steve, definitely, yikes. He somehow manages to pack more creep in less than a dozen words than the rest combined. *shudder*

  34. SarahCost says:

    Absolutely Steve. Because when he sees himself on this list, he will probably have no.fucking.idea why that makes him a troll.

  35. Jamie says:

    Team Brian, FTW.

    Also. I am so happy that this is a category.

  36. WitchWolf says:

    fuck-a-feminist —

    Now that I touched that I have to go wash.

  37. Carolyn says:

    nobody, for the randomly inserted old-school racism that-pretends-not-to-be-because-really-they-like-black-people-because-they’re-so-cool (Sista, really? Does sie call all black men brothers, also?). But if I’d seen Fu*k-a-Feminist’s screenname before I voted, sie might have won.

  38. Esti says:

    F-A-F was trying way too hard for me. Brian wins by a mile for his fatherless life comment.

  39. Ledasmom says:

    F-a-f for the fake email address, which reminds me of the ever classic “fuckme@myass.com”.

  40. valentifan69 says:

    So she was mortified that someone commented on her sex toys, and not at all mortified that she was dumb enough to pack sex toys that several people would see, comment or no!?

    This guy’s got a bit of a point. It’s gotta be a pretty crap job going through peoples bags and accidently finding dildos all day. Doubt the dude went to work in the morning thinking ‘today’s gonna be great, hope I run into loads of random women’s dildos’, gotta be fairly gross really. Not really nice being on the other end.

  41. Iris says:

    Gotta be # 3 Steve – eeuuww. I think he was serious.

  42. Li says:

    Brian, because I’m a sucker for daddy issues.

  43. Greg says:

    I went with Steve ultimately. I felt like he was breaking new ground in trolling, while f-a-f (who was a close second for me) was going over well trod ground.

  44. William says:

    This guy’s got a bit of a point. It’s gotta be a pretty crap job going through peoples bags and accidently finding dildos all day. Doubt the dude went to work in the morning thinking ‘today’s gonna be great, hope I run into loads of random women’s dildos’, gotta be fairly gross really. Not really nice being on the other end.

    Yeah, I feel really bad that the guy who gets paid money to invade the privacy of others so that a lazy, paternalistic government can look busy might feel bad. It must really suck to be occasionally grossed out while oppressing people for no reason other than a paycheck. My heart weeps.

  45. Nahida says:

    .cum

    .CUM people.

  46. soveryunhip says:

    I went with the last guy, because of the over-the-top EW of it all, but it was difficult not to go with “nobody,” for the racism. It was just so special.

  47. igglanova says:

    This guy’s got a bit of a point. It’s gotta be a pretty crap job going through peoples bags and accidently finding dildos all day. Doubt the dude went to work in the morning thinking ‘today’s gonna be great, hope I run into loads of random women’s dildos’, gotta be fairly gross really. Not really nice being on the other end.

    Yeah, we’re just inflicting our harmless private possessions on innocent service workers when we feel like taking them with us on a trip, as is our right. I’m sure that worker was compelled by an unseen force to leave an unprofessional note in Jill’s luggage after running into something no more disgusting than people’s dirty unders. (Actually, probably less disgusting, since I’m assuming the vibe would have at least been washed pretty thoroughly. …OK this is getting into some seriously creepy speculation about her personal life, I’ll stop right there.)

    I hope this doesn’t revive that exhausting did-not-even-read-the-article flame war, because life is just too damn short for that shit, you know?

  48. Vertigo says:

    Voted for Brian. The ‘fatherless’ line took me for surprise, and I like my trolls to to surprise me.

  49. Drew says:

    fuck-a-feminist

    LMFAO WTF.

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Yes, this.

  50. Katherine says:

    How could Fuck-A-Feminist not win this?

  51. librarygoose says:

    I voted Brian because FAF just seemed to be trying too hard. But I kinda wanna change my vote to #39 on this thread.

  52. Joedj says:

    I just finished reading all of the comments and it made me wish that all of you were my daughters and grand daughters.

  53. SecondJen says:

    Brian for his “use” of quotation marks and pretending to be inside your mind… ooohhh….

  54. Amanda says:

    Gotta go with Steve here; love the honesty.

  55. I voted for Brian, because his “your momma” was quite subtle: “she was extremely difficult to live with”.

  56. The Dormouse says:

    This was a hard choice. In the end I fear I went with the obvious answer but I stand by my choice. (Also, one time TSA stole my underwear which was weird.)

  57. The Dormouse says:

    .cum

    .CUM people.

    Also, I agree.

  58. Natalia says:

    Brian sounds like an entertainingly bitter creature.

  59. LotusBen says:

    I voted for Brian. I appreciate his comment because it seems as though he wanted to bypass the standard, cliched insults and go for something more personal and close to home, without knowing whether he’d be right-on or not. He was going for the Hail Mary, either his comment would seem like ridiculous, unfounded speculation or it would hit a button, a weak spot.

    Brian. . .how convenient of you to be trolling on a feminist website. What’s your point? Still hoping to gain your older brother’s admiration? It must have been oh-so-hard how he was into football and you were into computer programming, and your grandparents who raised the both of you just always gave him favored treatment. But yeah, now you’re a “real man” Brian. Good job.

  60. NBarnes says:

    I simply had to recognize the privileged TMI that Steve displayed. Not as hateful as FAF or racist as nobody, but… ewwww…. Steve just made my skin crawl.

  61. Alberthe says:

    Close between Brian and Steve, but I feel Steve is in a creepy league all of his own, so he gets my vote.

    That didn’t sound right;)

  62. Kim says:

    As a feminist who was not raised by her mother, but by her father (who did not identify as a feminist, or have the most feminist views in his life), I am going to have to with Brian. FAF comes in a close second but at least his lame stereotypes are something I have heard before.

  63. Past my expiration date says:

    I voted for Brian because of his belief that just insulting Jill isn’t enough — he has to go on and insult her family, too.

  64. Wendy says:

    Had to go with Steve because ew.

  65. Sandy says:

    I voted yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about this choice. I was SO torn between fuck-a-feminist and Steve… and now I can’t remember which one I finally went with. They’re both so priceless. Fuck-a-feminist seems to be the more proper traditional messing-with-you-for-fun type troll, and he does it well. But Steve’s blithe creep factor is off the charts. They both made me lol.

  66. astronautgo says:

    .cum

    .CUM people.

    That does have that soupçon of je-ne-sais-quoi, but Brian got my vote because he totally has the “feminists'” number. How conveeeeeenient for a “feminist” to get this note. Save your Confederate notes, boys, the female conspiracy’s “days” are “numbered!”

  67. Emolee says:

    This guy’s got a bit of a point. It’s gotta be a pretty crap job going through peoples bags and accidently finding dildos all day. Doubt the dude went to work in the morning thinking ‘today’s gonna be great, hope I run into loads of random women’s dildos’, gotta be fairly gross really. Not really nice being on the other end.

    It’s like a dream within a dream.

  68. Angie unduplicated says:

    F-A-F gets my vote. Bettin’ he’s a multitasker who went from this to claiming that Obama is the Antichrist, in his next comment. Also betting he has a one-inch dick, a six-foot bluff, and women wouldn’t touch him with the proverbial ten-foot pole.

  69. LB says:

    Steve, because he doesn’t have to seek out negative validation by trolling a feminist site with the same old rants. He’s just a creep without any pretense about it. Somewhere, he’s had access to some unfortunate woman’s home…

  70. Kristin A says:

    FAF is trying too hard, unfunny, and I can’t believe they have any votes ??!

  71. Matt says:

    “.cum” and “Call me, bitch.” are all great reasons to vote for FAF, but I especially like that he objectifies you and directly addresses you in the same clause of the sentence. Just the right amount of over the top.

  72. Eris says:

    I can’t decide between Steve and Fuck-a-feminist. Steve is just making me laugh, because I don’t know what else to do when faced with a statement like that.

    But then there’s F-a-f, and his misspelling ‘fuck’ even though he already got it once in his username. Also for ‘call me, bitch.’

    Decisions, decisions.

  73. oldlady says:

    Definitely Steve. But–couldn’t it be “a WOMAN and a vibrator walk onto a plane”? Guess it’s because I’m still fighting being called a girl–with white hair yet.

  74. valentifan69 says:

    It must really suck to be occasionally grossed out while oppressing people for no reason other than a paycheck. My heart weeps.

    Come on, no one thinks I really need to oppress those dirty fucking hippies – I know – I’ll get a low paid job looking through random bags at a airport, mwahhahahaha. And I don’t want to be too controversial, but I think might be a good idea to try and keep bombs off planes.

    Yeah, we’re just inflicting our harmless private possessions on innocent service workers when we feel like taking them with us on a trip, as is our right.

    Well you’ve got a right to shit in your luggage too, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea or would be nice for the guy looking through it. Just saying you’ve got to balance your rights with common decency to others, particularly service workers.

  75. Lolagirl says:

    I voted for Brian, but now I’m rethinking that FaF should get the dubious distinction of biggest loser. Any guy who feels the need to mention his member and imply its ampleness on the internet is sure to be completely inadequate irl (yes, I went there.)

    I used to blog back in my infertility days and shut down shop in part because of the abusive and crazy trolls. Just when one thinks the depths have been plumbed there is always someone willing to come along and dispell that notion.

    Haters gotta hate, after all.

  76. Jjuliaava says:

    #73

    Well you’ve got a right to shit in your luggage too, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea or would be nice for the guy looking through it.

    Did ya not read the post directly above yours?
    #72

    Definitely Steve. But–couldn’t it be “a WOMAN and a vibrator walk onto a plane”? Guess it’s because I’m still fighting being called a girl–with white hair yet.

    Yo! Not all service workers are men.

  77. Jjuliaava says:

    GO FAF!

  78. Jill says:

    Well you’ve got a right to shit in your luggage too, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea or would be nice for the guy looking through it. Just saying you’ve got to balance your rights with common decency to others, particularly service workers.

    So I take it you never travel back home with dirty underwear in your bag? You do all your laundry on the very last day of your vacation so as to be decent, right?

  79. igglanova says:

    Boo fuckin’ who. No way am I depriving myself of orgasms, or unnecessarily inconveniencing myself by going to a fucking laundromat on the off chance that some busybody might be grossed out by activities that are so ordinary as to be bland and just plain boring.

  80. igglanova says:

    I also find it weird that you think such overboard anticipation of others’ comfort before one’s own is at all balanced. Particularly because it is not a foregone conclusion that your luggage will be opened at all. So you’d advise anxiously squirreling away all evidence of being a living creature with ordinary body functions *just in case*? That seems like a very stressful way to lead a life.

  81. superior olive says:

    Well you’ve got a right to shit in your luggage too, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea or would be nice for the guy looking through it. Just saying you’ve got to balance your rights with common decency to others, particularly service workers.

    I’m trying to reconcile this line of thought coming from someone with the screenname “valentifan69″. Trying…nope, and failing.

    Decency? Really? That’s the arguement you’re going with? 0_o

  82. valentifan69 says:

    So I take it you never travel back home with dirty underwear in your bag? You do all your laundry on the very last day of your vacation so as to be decent, right?

    I do, but it depends on what state they’re in. It’s all about balancing my needs with other people’s needs. I would normally discretely fold and pack them in a seperate bag, so they’re isolated and people have warning. But that’s just normal used underwear, if I’d actually soiled myself I wouldn’t pack them. I just don’t think having poo in my luggage is a good idea or would be nice for anyone searching the bag.

    I’ve also got to say I’m not very comfortable with the personal questions and the way this conversation is going.

  83. valentifan, while I’m no longer 8 years old I feel confident saying “you started it”. You did, after all, imply this was somehow Jill’s wrong-doing, which was already gone over for hundreds of comments in the original threads. People should be able to bring whatever personal items they want, and it’s silly to assume that your bag absolutely will be searched so you should leave anything at home that might send the message “I am a human being.”

  84. jorge says:

    I do, but it depends on what state they’re in. It’s all about balancing my needs with other people’s needs. I would normally discretely fold and pack them in a seperate bag, so they’re isolated and people have warning. But that’s just normal used underwear, if I’d actually soiled myself I wouldn’t pack them. I just don’t think having poo in my luggage is a good idea or would be nice for anyone searching the bag.

    So you’re equating a vibrator (presumably washed) with poo? Wise up, chum. A vibe is no dirtier than a toothbrush…

  85. LotusBen says:

    Wow valentifan. . .so you think people should keep their suitcases in good order because the government has decided to search our luggage? WTF. Should I keep my apartment clean and stocked with Chardonnay so I’ll be ready to entertain the FBI when they come knocking on my door, too? Give me a break.

    Also, plenty of jobs are distateful. I used to wipe the ass of disabled people for a living. . .being a trash collector or sewer worker isn’t exactly aesthetically appealing either. If a person has a problem with what they might find as they’re getting paid to search people’s luggage, maybe they should get another job.

  86. LotusBen says:

    And I don’t want to be too controversial, but I think might be a good idea to try and keep bombs off planes.

    Oh, but I almost forgot. TERRORISTS!!!!! Booga booga booga!!!

  87. astronautgo says:

    I’ve also got to say I’m not very comfortable with the personal questions and the way this conversation is going.

    Holy crap, you’re meta-trolling the troll thread.

  88. Daisy says:

    Is it possible that this is valentifan69’s audition for FNTT Season 9?

  89. Dahlia Jones says:

    F-A-F for the win.
    Call me. Bitch should be a meme. In fact, I think I’ll go make an image for it now and get back to you if that’s acceptable?

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