FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “Nine times out of ten it’s an electric shaver. But every once in a while…” edition

Background on FNTT here. Click through to read this round’s contenders. The usual reminder: Comments below are abusive, insulting and may be triggering. This particular edition is Part 2 of the many, many, many comments left on Feministe after a thoroughly humiliating event that I would be happy to never talk about ever again and wish I could erase from the whole of the internet, but which clearly is going nowhere, and brought out such amazing trolls that it just doesn’t seem fair not to highlight them. The second five are below.

1. Robert

Now he’s going to lose his job for being funny.
He should have just discretely smelled or given a little taste and then quietly put it back.




Nothing spells LOSER like a dumb,liberal skank traveling with a dildo.Memo:get a boyfriend or use your hand
good day

4. Eddy

Jill you hot little minx! I’m throbbing at the thought of you buzzing away at your sweet beaver.

5. Black Rob

So, it is true Jill is a big ol homo along with the guys, since the TSA found your tools for masturbation.

55 comments for “FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “Nine times out of ten it’s an electric shaver. But every once in a while…” edition

  1. January 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    ‘K, now we’re talking. This is going to take some thought – creepy over hateful? Sexist over oversharing?

    Whoever wins, we lose.

  2. JGirl
    January 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Robert, for the grossout factor, the assumption that it was a man that did it, the assumption that said man was attracted to women or interested in that sort of thing, and the belief that it was funny.

  3. schnei
    January 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Definitely that last one, you big ol homo

  4. SecondJen
    January 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    This one was tough, but in the end, I was won over by “good day.” It takes effort to be courteous after calling someone a liberal skank.

  5. SarahCost
    January 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    John! I can’t believe he has so few votes.

    It kind of reminds me of a (sexist, problematic, favorite guilty pleasure) Kevin Hart skit, where he talks about how you can win an argument by yelling something random and then leaving. “Everytime I come in the house you got the microwave on high, FUCK YOU!”

  6. January 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Eddy for almost immediately making me throw up in my mouth a little. You hot little mynx.

  7. Emolee
    January 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Had to go with oh yeah baby work it for “use your hand.” Thanks for the tip.

    Although black rob is a close second for “big ol homo.” What?

  8. January 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    …”good day.” you can’t beat that!

  9. January 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Robert had me instantly because OH MY GOD, but I had a last second change of heart and gave it to Black Rob. I want to know what guys he is talking about, and I want to know how masturbation = homosexual.

  10. January 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    I…. I actually can’t pick a favorite on this one.

  11. Natalie
    January 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Beaver!! Come on now how is that not an insta-win?

  12. January 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Black Rob for the confusing conflation of sex toys with male homosexuality? I’m not even sure.

  13. January 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    This is the most difficult one yet.

    I erred on the side of Black Rob, if only for the incomprehensible homophobia.

  14. Tim
    January 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Black Rob, for the many levels of non-sequiturial, baffling nonsense.

  15. Tim
    January 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Oh, and because I am a big ol homo.

  16. January 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Jill, I’m calling for an editorial wildcard, because Eddy and BR both need to make it to the next round.

  17. Aisling
    January 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Definitely Black Rob, for the confusingly-expressed homophobia and strange attempt to seem like some sort of early modern Celtic warlord. Because c’mon, who doesn’t love internet warlords?

  18. Lauren Anne
    January 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Did Black Rob just out the entire male population? “Along with the guys”? All of you?

  19. January 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Eddy is too horrible even to vote for. Oh, man, I’m so sorry you were subjected to that.

    The others are just your normal trolls. Oh Yeah Work It wins for the hysterical disconnect between the username and the message.

  20. January 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Ugh. I HATE it when people refer to vaginas as beavers.

  21. January 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    This was tough, but in the end, Black Rob’s total lack of understanding of just about anything in this situation made me laugh, and that’s important in these trying times.

  22. January 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Also, all men are gay? What? Did he mean that Jill having sex with herself=having sex with a woman (which supposedly makes her gay) is parallel men have sex with women=are gay? AND SO JILL AND MEN ARE BOTH GAY FOR WOMEN.

  23. January 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Nah, I lost myself too.

  24. Emolee
    January 27, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I , too, wondered who “the guys” were in Black Rob’s rant. Along with what guys? I assumed maybe there was some previous story about the TSA finding sex toys in the bags of some gay men?

    Also- “tools for masturbation” LOL, not sure why

  25. Nell
    January 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    This was a tough one, but I had to go with Robert, the stupid twit who doesn’t know the difference between “discrete” and “discreet.”

  26. Athenia
    January 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    I can’t believe these people are so upset about vibrators. I mean, they are the best things in the world!

  27. damigiana
    January 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    The discrete smell/ little taste killed me, with laughter. Way to go.

  28. Jawnita
    January 27, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    I can’t believe these people are so upset about vibrators.

    I can’t believe that none of them seem to know the difference between a vibrator and a dildo.

  29. Li
    January 27, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    I’m actually deeply disappointed not to have to opportunity for vote for Dana or FrankD. Those were some truly classic troll times.

  30. Li
    January 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Having said that, Robert for his suggestion of a more appropriate action by the TSA agent.

  31. Iris
    January 27, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Have to vote for BR. For equating Jill and vibrators and homos; and for equating homos (sic) with big and ol (sic). I’m not sure how TSA fits in there, but I guess, if one obsesses about big, ol (sic) homos (sic), one finds a way.

    Thanks for sharing, Jill. Hope you’re having a good laugh as well.

  32. Jamie
    January 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Black Rob. Only homos masturbate.


  33. Joedj
    January 27, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    “sweet beaver” lol

  34. DouglasG
    January 27, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Antyhing to shake the presumption of universal heterosexuality.

  35. DouglasG
    January 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Aargh – anything.

  36. Pidgey
    January 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    I voted for Eddy because of his horrible concept of boundaries, but there were a lot of great contenders this round.

  37. rayuela23
    January 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Robert had me with the having a little taste and then quietly putting it back. The description is disturbingly evocative.

  38. Jjuliaava
    January 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    Oh Yeah Work It wins for the hysterical disconnect between the username and the message.

    this. And other reasons too, like:
    LOSER IN ALL CAPS= this be serious!
    Jill, you liberal skank! Hmmm. How is she a skank exactly when she is using a vibrator?? I mean, skank, get a boyfriend!
    OH YEAH, nothing spells doesn’t fully understand like “just use your hand”!!!! Who’s the loser, now, bucko?? Loser for the win!!

  39. Shawn
    January 27, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Interesting, isn’t it, that some menfolk are threatened by a woman with a vibrator?

  40. AnotherTracey
    January 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

    Hmm … OH Yeah Baby etc. because a nice exit goes over so well after a little misogyny.

  41. January 28, 2012 at 12:16 am

    It was hard to choose between Eddy and the WORK IT guy, but I finally decided Eddy.

  42. suspect class
    January 28, 2012 at 1:35 am

    Black Rob, for his lack of understanding that big ol’ homo ladies do not, in fact, go “along with the guys”.

  43. evil fizz
    January 28, 2012 at 1:39 am

    Had to go with Eddy. I just cant pass up the word minx. Totally inexplicable, I know.

  44. superior olive
    January 28, 2012 at 3:06 am

    Hmmm…almost went with Black Rob, but in the end Robert wins on gross-out factor alone. Again with the smelling (and tasting *gack*). Not enough heebie-jeebie dances in the world. Not nearly enough.

  45. Angie unduplicated
    January 28, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Work It, because he is so compelled to convince you that only skanks use vibrators. This is right in line with the PUA practice of insulting the target to determine if she’s insecure enough to fall for the close.

  46. Odin
    January 28, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Torn between Oh Yeah, whose attempt at superiority is kind of ruined by hir not knowing the difference between a dildo and a vibrator, and Black Rob, who makes no sense.

  47. Arielle
    January 28, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    It obviously makes no sense that “skanks” would only be “loose” with HERSELF, vibrators make you a ho nowadays??! I thought it was like practicing abstinence?! We shoudn’t be giving these scum of the Earth, lowly conservatives the time of day– I bet they’re jacking off thinking about all the attention we’re giving to them…. ooops I forgot, masturbation is the WORST thing a person can possibly do, right? Or is that rule just for women? Surprise, surprise, Republicans being illogical & hypocritical? Who would’ve thunkit?! ;)

  48. Anon21
    January 28, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I went with JOHN. I really feel like he best captured and EMPHASIZED the general troll zeitgeist.

  49. Lia
    January 28, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Wow, this was very difficult. Robert is the strangest, though, because he’s the creepiest (taste it? urgh!) and also the most lucid sounding–not foaming at the mouth like the rest of them. Which makes him even weirder

  50. Charlotte
    January 29, 2012 at 1:00 am

    I had to vote for Rob simply because it didn’t make sense and he thought it was so obvious he didn’t bother trying to explain.

  51. Skye
    January 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

    WORK IT, because it’s so obvious that the original post threw him into an incomprehensible,foaming-at-the-mouth rant. Those liberal skanks and their liberal ways! Rarrrrgh!!

  52. Blue Jean
    January 30, 2012 at 1:52 am

    Good day to you, Mr. Oh. I said GOOD DAY.

  53. Joshari
    January 30, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Clearly Robert. The way he talks is as if smelling and/or tasting a vibrator one finds in somebody else’s suitcase is an everyday occurrence…which is at once incredibly disconcerting and hilarious.

  54. FashionablyEvil
    January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    By the way, Jill–the vibrator story was referenced in the international copy of USA Today today in an article about the indignities of air travel. (The note was quoted in ALL CAPS, but you were not mentioned by name).

  55. Iam138
    January 31, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Wow, obviously in the minority, I voted for John because of the purity of his message. And, it made me laugh more than the others.

Comments are closed.