Background on FNTT here. Click through to read this round’s contenders. The usual reminder: Comments below are abusive, insulting and may be triggering. This round in particular includes some choice rape and violence threats.
1. “THE MAN”
you bitches need to shut the hell up and do what your men say before you piss him off and then he will be forced to smack ya’ll around bit.
2. superman (website: Iamgoingtokillyoubitch.com; email: shoveitupyourcuntbitch@yahoo.com)
There is no such thing as a powerful woman writer.
ditto for all other aspects of life.
because power is a male thing bitchessssss.
:)
3. Rob (email: WomanAreOnlyGoodForSex@hotmail.com)
Woman are only good for two things. Fucking, and making food. Men are BETTER at making food, but us men have to pay for your bags, which men never buy. Necklaces, and other misc. which most straight men never buy. We also got to pay emotionally to put up with your bitching everyday. Even in my workplace I gotta put up with bitching. To be quite frank, back in the old days, cavemen speaking, we used to drag bitchs by their hair and fuck them wherever and whenever. Now bitchs don’t know their place and they only call “Fair rights” when it’s in their favor.
4. Billy Bober
IRON MY SHIRTS!!!!!!!!
5. fuck-a-feminist (email: mydickisbig@mydickisbig.cum)
aww come on rape rulez. Fucking bitches want it you know you do. Oh women are chattel, bitch.
Rob, for the “most straight men” qualifier. I mean, it’s almost like he’s realised that men aren’t a monolith, yeah?
Where the fuck did he learn the definition of “chattel?!”
superman for the smiley.
Had to go with Rob. The others are trying too hard, whereas Rob’s “even in my workplace” screams of true, deep-seated butt-hurt.
Ugh, I didn’t vote on this one. These aren’t even funny or weird. They hit that oh-so-sweet spot between perfectly mundane and plain horrifying. Bring back the intellectual contortionists!
I have decided to vote for whoever trolls using the fewest words and greatest number of !!!!!!!s, however Rob’s “Men are BETTER at making food, but us men have to pay for your bags, which men never buy.” which is completely incomprehensible really made me a bit sad that I limited myself…
“you bitches need to shut the hell up and do what your men say before you piss him off and then he will be forced to smack ya’ll around bit.”
Hmm…actually, I think that reading such terrible spelling & punctuation gave me enough bruises.
Rob. Because men are BETTER at making food (but not spelling, apparently…)
Tricky, but I had to go with superman, because I think we already covered how ending with an emoticon is a stereotypically “female” thing to do, so I love the mixed message.
Rob, for “Woman are only good for two things. Fucking, and making food. Men are BETTER at making food.”
Because oh DAMN.
William, I think he just copied “chattel” and doesn’t know what it means.
These are mostly just boring and horrible, but Rob wins for the “Men are BETTER at making food, but us men have to pay for your bags, which men never buy.”
That dig followed by weird non sequitur wins for me.
Yup, I’m going with superman for the smiley too.
Rob, because he’s SERIOUS. And clearly that is BETTER than some silly little smiley face emote.
What, no making babies and cleaning?
But, yeah, I voted for Rob for the weird rantings that never exactly explain why men are better at making food, or why women are still “good for” it.
THE MAN for the whiplash-inducing switching between singular and plural case, leaving me trying to figure out how many people were doing which thing to how many others.
It’s not just the smiley face — it’s the mental dissonance between, “Here let me say this horrid thing, BLARGH all over your comment board” and “smiley face! cutesies!”
Billy Bober, because he’s concise.
Being a POWERFUL WOMAN WRITER myself (or, at least aspiring to be one), I’m tempted to vote for superman (extra points for multiple overly long/stupid fake websites/email addresses. And pointless smiley). But how could I resist Rob’s dead-serious belief in an antiquated, cartoonish stereotype (one that probably wasn’t taken seriously in its day) of cavemen dragging their cavewomen around by the hair?
Rob is the only one who smacks of actually meaning what he says and not just laughing to himself at how clever he is for “getting a rise.”
Iron my shirts (!!!!!!) was the only one that I could actually deal with here without feeling icky, so I went for him. Everybody else was too close to home, too the “charming” guy-next-door. Creeptastic.
Rob, again, apparently, in a landslide. Cavemen speaking–indeed.
I was really going to vote for Rob, but then the use of the word “chattel” swayed me. I’m a sucker for a good vocabulary.
“IRON MY SHIRTS!!!!!!!!” because the rest seem like they’d be rather scary in real life (in superman’s case, it’s the “website”, not the comment)
Emolee @ 14 –
I *think* his point about making food was that he’s a great cook, but too lazy to actually cook, so go make him a sandwich! But of course he wouldn’t explain if the reason is “because I’m a lazy asshole”, that’d kinda hurt his argument about how horrid women are.
Also, I thought women were good for “doing the childbirth”?
Had to go with superman on that–if only because I hear McLovin’s voiced…bitchessss
superman for the smiley face.
I had to go with superman, both for the smiley and the equal-opportunity gender essentialism.
Rob because I bet any sane woman would have to be knocked unconscious in order to have with his ugly, obviously small-dick having ass!! Seriously though, I thought everyone knew that caveman stereotype had been disproven years ago- men and women were the same size back then & both sexes did the same things in order to survive. It was over time that the size difference between men & women evolved… Well, apparently only women evolved– Rob’s still stuck in cavemen land with caveman style Internet access!!! :)
Billy Bober was short and to the point, ze got my vote.
Here are some of my favorite highlights:
Right, Rob knows just exactly what Gay men prefer: beautiful jewelry!
“MISC.” = uhcuz can not figga howta dowitt.
Sure, Rob, it is da bitchs who do the ‘bitching’! Good times!
back in the old days, cavemen speaking, we used to drag bitchs by their hair and fuck them wherever and whenever.
AARRRGGGGGGHHHH! BLOCK QUOTES!
Three of these men live in their parents’ basement, not because they can’t get jobs, which is common enough in this economy, but because they can’t handle adult responsibilities, and their mothers still cut the crusts off their sandwiches. Their comments express a self-hate externalized to their moms, and by extension all women. The other two are divorced and their ex-wives are doing just fine without them, a development that leaves them crushed. They, too, express rage that is the product of self-loathing. It’s tough to tell the two groups apart, which is unfortunate because the former will probably always confine their expressions of rage to drive-by bigotry, while the latter may one day kill their exes or their children.
Arielle, I’ve never heard this. I thought sexual dimorphism among various proto-humans varied somewhat, and that certainly by the time we get to early humans living in caves, we were already pretty much split in physical size to about the ratio we have today. Do you have a cite on this somewhere?
Billy Bober, because he seems to have a laundry emergency on his hands!
Rob, for reminiscing about his glory days as a caveman.
Superman. Partly for the smiley, partly because there’s a certain elegance to his phrasing. He doesn’t mess around with particulars like preparing food or ironing shirts, he goes straight in with a fundamental analysis of gendered power relations, and rides it all the way to Moonbatville.
Are we talking Neanderthal? That’s generally what people mean by “cave man”. Neanderthals had pretty much the same amount of sexual dimorphism as modern humans do. Anthropologists think that Neanderthals worked generally in the same way as other small hunter-gatherer bands, which is women gather, men hunt. BUT the caveat to that is the attitude towards the importance of either has changed drastically. Gathering provides vast amounts more of the diet than hunting, though both take time and skill.
Superman, because that fucking smiley face.
Rob, for the extensive list of silly lady things that we force our men to buy for us.
Rob. He sounds very in touch with his emotions.
Rob, for his insistence that men are BETTER at making food. I’m getting this weird picture in my head of cavemen dragging women by the hair into their caves and cooking awesome meals for them, only now they can’t because they’re too busy buying bags for them, and of course you can’t do both.
That’s odd. All the talk of masculine power and superiority, doesn’t appear to comport with hiding behind fake email and fake websites. Why, it’s almost as if these manly he-men are cowardly and ashamed of themselves!
These were all pretty lame, and the only one even worthy of considering is the Rob dude. He obviously spent a lot of time and thought on his post – and the only conclusion I can draw from that blather is that he is emotionally traumatized by constant rejection by females, and his is bummed that he can’t sexually harass at work!
Billy Bober because IRON MY SHIRTS!!!!!!!!