Virginia transvaginal ultrasound bill proves effective at deterring sex

Most women seem to find Virginia’s proposed bill requiring transvaginal ultrasound for anyone trying to get an abortion horrifying and intrusive. We’re wrong, of course, because Virigina Delegate David Albo (R-Douchebucket) thinks it’s hilarious. Hilarious enough to stand up and joke about getting cock-blocked by his own bill on the House floor. His fellow delegates laughed and hooted like frat boys as he delivered a tawdry three-minute monologue–complete with slap-bass mood music–about his attempts to romance his wife, which were thwarted by a news clip in which Del. David Englin (D-Total square, amiright?) criticizes the bill.

DAVID ALBO. Speaker, point of personal privilege.

SPEAKER. The gentleman has the floor.

ALBO. Speaker, members of the House, the gentleman from Alexandria apologized, but he owes an apology to me. [light laughter from the assembly] Because let me tell you what happened. On Tuesday, after our contentious session, I went home. Wanted to see my kid and my wife. So I drove back home, got home in time to see my boy, read him a story, put him to bed. I went downstairs to relax in the living room.

In my house, I have, you know, this big, giant-screen TV, like a 46-inch or something. It’s big. It’s probably as big as that. [Laughter and boos from the assembly] So I say, you know wha–I’m really rich. Yeah. [Laughter from the assembly. Albo chuckles at his own joke.] So I thought, Wow. The boy’s in bed. Wife here. TV. [Albo clicks tongue, finger-guns. More laughter from the assembly] Got Rita some wine. And–hey, can you do some theme music going here? [Albo turns on some 70s-style gettin'-it-on music. Laughter] Got Rita some wine. Sat next to her. Used my patented cool move. I invented this, and it’s in the United States patent. [Laughter] I went, “Ohh, [Albo does the fake stretch, and the assembly laughs] I’m so tired.” [Laughter and hooting] I then turn on the TV to find the Redskins channel. Now, I know you think that’s weird, but my wife loves the Redskins more than she loves me. [Laughter and applause]

So I’m going through the TV, got my theme music going, my red wine, looking at the Washington Redskins, and I start flipping through the channels. And through the channels, I have to get to the news stuff, all of a sudden on my big-screen TV comes this big thing, a picture of a bill that has “Albo” on it. I’m, like, “Wow! Holy smokes! My name, as big as a wall!” And the very next scene was the gentleman from Alexandria’s face, as big as my wall, going [Albo does a mocking voice that sounds like Richard Nixon] “Trans-V blahblahblah, and this. [Uproarious laughter] Trans-V this, and trans-V that, and they hate women, and we’re gonna–and that bill–and she killed the bill because–She didn’t go far enough! She’s crazy!” And this goes on and on and on. And I’m like this with my wife. And the show’s over, and she goes, “I gotta go to bed.” [Prolonged uproarious laughter and applause and hooting from a bunch of elected officials who take their jobs totes seriously]

So if the gentleman’s plan was to make sure there was one less Republican in this world, he did it. [Laughter] So I expect an apology from you later, in person, on the House floor. Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

“They hate women!” You’re right, Davey, that’s a hoot.

Pop quiz time! What killed Rita Albo’s ladyboner? Was it that:

a) The Redskins went 5-11 [thx, Courage] in the regular season and got completely shut out by the Buffalo Bills (Seriously, the Bills)

b) She was turned off by her husband’s inexplicable interest in every other woman’s vagina

c) She suspected that a man who can’t bring himself to say the word “vagina” doesn’t know his way around one

d) She realized with big-screen clarity that she’s married to a complete waste of skin, oxygen, and taxpayer money who has respect neither for his job nor for women in general, her included

e) All of the above

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38 Responses

  1. Abby Spice
    Abby Spice February 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm |

    I would support a bill which states that if you are unable to actually say the words that apply to the bill you are ineligible to vote on it.

    “Trans-v”. It’s been a while since something like this actually made my stomach turn over. Congratulations, Mr. Albo and friends. Male friends. I believe that out of the 100 members of the Virginia House only 16 are women.

  2. Abby Spice
    Abby Spice February 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm |

    Also, he was apparently watching THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW. What kind of self-respecting conservative doesn’t have MSNBC blocked on his TV, anyway?

    Also also I’m creeped out by the “one less [sic] Republican” bit. Were they going to make a baby? Based on him putting his arm around her? Don’t people usually put more thought into that? Or is it just that she doesn’t use contraception because abortion, and so she might have gotten pregnant? DAVE ALBO I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

  3. hmm
    hmm February 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm |

    Can someone clarify what the guy mentioned at the beginning was supposed to be apologizing for?

  4. Ev`Yan
    Ev`Yan February 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm |

    Douchbag.

  5. hmm
    hmm February 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm |

    Also also I’m creeped out by the “one less [sic] Republican” bit. Were they going to make a baby? Based on him putting his arm around her? Don’t people usually put more thought into that? Or is it just that she doesn’t use contraception because abortion, and so she might have gotten pregnant?

    Is it too much to hope that he means his wife is no longer a republican?

  6. H
    H February 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm |

    It’d be nice if these men just stopped thinking that they need to control women as such. I’ve never quite understood why men seem to think that they are in competition with women and therefore need to do everything they possibly can to chain them up.

  7. Echo Zen
    Echo Zen February 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm |

    Maybe I’m too charitable, but I heard this story through a ThinkProgress tweet (“Virginia delegate claims his wife rejected sex w/him after transtravaginal ultrasound bill was discussed on TV”), and immediately headed to Feministe to post about it as a comment, with the general attitude of, “Ha, his own wife schooled him!” Then I saw Capteron already post about this, and… people seemed more annoyed that Albo considered pro-rape legislation to be something to joke about.

    Granted state-sanctioned rape shouldn’t be a laughing (or jokey) matter, but… come on, his own WIFE schooled him over his pro-rape politics. And I find that deliciously ironic, as someone used to Republican wives who oppose equal rights for themselves. Nobody else feels that way?

  8. Christopher J Rankin
    Christopher J Rankin February 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm |

    Regarding the pop quiz: POOP!

  9. Geoarch
    Geoarch February 25, 2012 at 3:40 pm |

    Clearly this is a man who is not familiar with Lysistrata. Ahem.

  10. Tony_
    Tony_ February 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm |

    The Virginia State Senate was decided last November by 224 votes, when Bryce Reed defeated Ed Houck in the 17th district. With 224 more votes the Democrats would have controlled every committee. This is the same night everyone’s eyes were focused on Mississippi. The problem is when the GOP controls the “troika” – Governorship, and the lower and upper chambers of the legislature, in a purple state, such as Virginia, Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, and so on. For issues like this, the ideal place to fight it out is at the state elections level. Because while we temporarily turned back the worst aspects of this bill, dozens of other onerous bills are on the table or have already gone through, and with those 224 votes, this would never even have had a chance out of committee.

  11. evil fizz
    evil fizz February 25, 2012 at 5:05 pm | *

    Point of personal privilege indeed…

  12. igglanova
    igglanova February 25, 2012 at 9:26 pm |

    Was anyone else aggressively offended by how unfunny this guy is, and that people were actually laughing?

  13. aboat
    aboat February 25, 2012 at 9:56 pm |

    @igglanova

    Yes. Yes I was.

    Judging from his general smarminess and arrogant douchebagery though, it really wouldn’t have mattered if they found it funny or not. He would remain a self-rated Comedic God.

  14. QLH
    QLH February 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm |

    “Ha, his own wife schooled him!” Then I saw Capteron already post about this, and… people seemed more annoyed that Albo considered pro-rape legislation to be something to joke about.

    He’s the one with the power, so in this particular case, his actions are more significant. And the way he tells the story (the jokes, the mood music, etc.) conveys pretty clearly that he doesn’t take the issue seriously, whether his wife does or not. Trans-v, really?

    Essentially, even when one of the most important women in his life has a problem with the legislation, it’s all a big joke and opportunity for the spotlight, to him.

    But I do agree, good for her!

  15. Angie unduplicated
    Angie unduplicated February 26, 2012 at 8:25 am |

    I want to hear of mucho cock-blocked Republicans and hope that Albo’s wife has some rampantly contagious attitude. Abstinence as a form of contraception starts at home, and these boys should be taking the same medicine they’re out prescribing to others.

  16. IHeartNY
    IHeartNY February 26, 2012 at 11:28 am |

    For issues like this, the ideal place to fight it out is at the state elections level. Because while we temporarily turned back the worst aspects of this bill, dozens of other onerous bills are on the table or have already gone through, and with those 224 votes, this would never even have had a chance out of committee.

    This is a really important point, Tony, thanks. State elections are hugely important, but often don’t get the attention that the national elections do. I feel like I explain to a New Yorker almost every week that the reason New York’s laws aren’t very progressive for such a generally progressive state is because Republicans still control the State Senate (as they have for all but 3 of the last 70 or so years), and Republicans still control the State Senate largely because most New Yorkers don’t pay enough attention to state politics (and also because of gerrymandering).

  17. Arielle Karp
    Arielle Karp February 26, 2012 at 11:34 am |

    “Nothin like goin home to have sex after a long day of taking away women’s rights…. oh wait, you mean my wife is a woman too? I just thought she was a doormat!”

    Oh yea, & I personally almost vomited watching that video of his speech on the Ed Show Friday- he’s sooooo ugly, no woman in her right mind wants to think about having sex w/that ugly douchebag! He owes ME an apology!!

  18. Chataya
    Chataya February 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm |

    @ Arielle Karp: Was the jab at the representative’s physical appearance entirely necessary?

  19. Sunday Links Round-Up! «
    Sunday Links Round-Up! « February 26, 2012 at 6:19 pm |

    [...] came across: “This blog which has a sense of humor, while still getting across very serious, and relevant issues, [...]

  20. Emily
    Emily February 26, 2012 at 7:28 pm |

    David Englin is my delegate. I don’t know how he puts up with these people.

  21. Azalea
    Azalea February 26, 2012 at 9:17 pm |

    15
    Angie unduplicated 2.26.2012 at 8:25 am | Permalink

    I want to hear of mucho cock-blocked Republicans and hope that Albo’s wife has some rampantly contagious attitude. Abstinence as a form of contraception starts at home, and these boys should be taking the same medicine they’re out prescribing to others.

    Call me a pessimist but I sincerely doubt that his wife’s refusal would have a real effect on his sex life. Republicans cheat too. A big part of “the joke” may have been “hahaha isn’t it so cute how she *thinks* I only have sex with her? hahahahaha She’s so funny!”

  22. Arielle Karp
    Arielle Karp February 26, 2012 at 10:23 pm |

    chataya- yes, b/c it honestly added to the offense for me against women (maybe just me personally), but he certainly opened it up by talking about it on the state’s congressional floor. I was also trying to make a point about how “childish” he’s being since HE is one of my state’s representative. I don’t know if u live in VA, but we were def. outraged here & since I live in Northern VA right across the river from DC, we got to see more of the women’s perspectives on our local station- he rep. a more southern/conservative district.

  23. DragonBreath
    DragonBreath February 27, 2012 at 12:14 am |

    Last i heard women make up a majority of the population not by much but a majority. If 95% voted for women, only 10% of men would have to vote for women and all this stupidity would be nonexistent. The extra 5% is margin of safety. Of course this assumes that 10% of men have workable brains. Sadly i wonder if we men could make that 10%.

  24. Kristen J.
    Kristen J. February 27, 2012 at 12:17 am |

    If 95% voted for women, only 10% of men would have to vote for women and all this stupidity would be nonexistent.

    Alas, women are not immune to misogyny. See Michele “Ask My Husband’s Permission to go to Law School” Bachmann.

  25. Past my expiration date
    Past my expiration date February 27, 2012 at 7:00 am |

    @Arielle Karp

    he rep. a more southern/conservative district.

    He represents Fairfax County. That’s not northern Virginia?

    1. Arielle Karp
      Arielle Karp February 27, 2012 at 12:09 pm |

      Depends on the part of Fairfax county- I live in Fairfax county & he doesn’t rep. me. Janet Howell, the “rectal exam” lady, also represents Fairfax county, but sadly she doesn’t rep. my district either. However, it is a big county & does have some more rural, backwards citizens. To note, I was born in NYC & grew up in B-more & DC, & moved to Alexandria in time 2 vote 4 Obama (& proudly helped make VA a blue state 4 the 1st time ever), but people seem to think, as I did, that northern VA is just an extension of MD/DC, but I can assure u
      you that I have NEVER seen dead fetuses in a political ad in MD or DC, but I have here in Alexandria. it’s certainly not as “southern” like the rest of VA, accent-wise etc… but I also have NEVER seen so many “Pro-Life” bumper stickers (& “barefoot rednecks” in 7-11, no joke), in my life. In fact, VA state offers a “choose life” vanity plate, w/little squiggly children’s faces on it- MD & DC have no such thing (thank G-d)! I would also like to note that I live right outside of Old Town Alexandria (near the USPTO), in the more “upper class” parts of Alexandria, not the poorer parts of it where you would I guess more likely expect to see barefoot people covered in tattoos in convenience stores rather than where I live. My main point is, I have learned through experience, that Norhern VA is not as “liberal” as people say it is. Although, yes, in comparison to the rest of the state it is, but I still view it as the “south” compared to MD & DC right across the Potomac (literally- I can see the Washington monument & Capitol building out my window). Luckily, the # of people up “north” do apparently out number those who live more southern (although not enough ppl to have their own professional sports team).

      So I just hope that there are enough people who live right outside of DC for work, as lots of people here do, t/b able to vote in November & make sure people who got elected running on jobs & the economy, like McDonnell & co., who now in office have been exposed as severe misogynists who care less about govt. interference in the economy, only women’s uteruses & vaginas, will get kicked out of office & elected enough democrats to actually “kill” the personhood amendment & a plethora of other “woman sexuality-controlling” bills suck as the ultrasound bills!!!!!! I’m pissed, I know my neighbors r too!!

  26. Emolee
    Emolee February 27, 2012 at 11:47 am |

    I hope he asked his wife’s permission to tell this story about her. But I seriously doubt he did. Turning the House floor into a locker room to jeer about his sex life (or lack thereof) with his wife is… so not cool.

    And, seriously, trans-V? For Capterton’s pop quiz, I’m going with c). What a jackass.

  27. Arielle Karp
    Arielle Karp February 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm |

    I’m sorRH if you wet offended, I tried to use words like “I guess” & stereotypes about typical pro-lifers but I also must state facts about the setup of Alexandria. It does cost a lot to live here even though I personally dont understand why & am moving. People do think n. VA is more “liberal” than the rest, & I am allows to express my take on it as I live here. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I really don’t, and you can please tell me your view on living in Northern VA. It’s not like ms to me at all, students don’t get off for Jewish holidays- people in n. VA thought Hanukkah is our New Years & I had to go to MD just to get hanukkah candles, even while flowing a JDS bus. I have friends upset there is only only synagogue forthr town I liv in, regardless of their sect (that would be like a catholic having to go to a Protestant church b/c it’s the only Christian church in town). I hav also recieved anti-Semitic threats here in northern va for having a mezuzah on my door. I was also sexually assaulted by 2 “happily married” attorneys here & was forced to style out of court b/c of the “potential jury pool” in n. VA. That was a stmnt by my attys, not me. I clearly have not had a good experience in N. VA, and I know other people have, so I please welcome you to tell me your story.

  28. Alara Rogers
    Alara Rogers February 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm |

    Arielle, Caperton is irritated not because of your political beliefs or your desire to move out of Alexandria but by the fact that you are conflating the concept of “idiot who votes for Republicans” with “poor, rural, uneducated people” and are not seeing any distinctions between any of those adjectives.

    In fact in real life, poor people are, in fact, more likely to vote Democratic, because it is in their economic interest to do so, and just because you’re poor and uneducated doesn’t make you stupid. Republicans draw much of their base from the middle class, people who think it makes reasonable sense to align with the interests of millionnaires rather than working people because they’d rather imagine themselves as millionnaires than recognize that they are working people too. Higher education does have a correlation with liberal beliefs, but not by much; engineers and MBAs are more likely to vote Republican than people with no degree at all.

    Caperton told you to “kiss my ass” because you just insulted Caperton’s relatives by calling them ignorant rednecks. I think, given how offensive you were being, that Caperton’s response was actually quite moderate. Saying “well, it’s not nice to tell people to kiss your ass” is kind of pointless when what you just said boils down to “people who don’t have a lot of money and education, like me and the other special people near where I live, are bigoted, stupid, bad people”… to someone who has relatives who fall into that category of people who don’t have a lot of money and education.

    I had a solidly middle-class, petit bourgeousie pair of grandparents who were very much into what the correct fashions to wear and the polite behavior to engage in and the things you have to do to get ahead in the world, and they worked and they saved money and they invested wisely so they always had nice clothes and a nice house and nice stuff in it, and they drove a nice car… and they voted Republican until they died, and listened to Rush Limbaugh, and ranted about the blacks on welfare ruining Brooklyn. I have a grandmother who came over on a boat from Italy, who I think has had very little formal education, who was married to a man who was an alcoholic who beat her, who is loud and obnoxious and tactless and thinks it’s a terrible idea for anyone to spend money on her, who has a slumlord son whose kids live in trailer parks and talk about how Jesus got them their pickup truck… and she votes Democratic and rants about how the Republicans are ruining the economy. They lived in the same small town in New York State.

    You are making remarks that indicate that you think people with money and education are morally superior and inherently more intelligent than people who don’t. This is called classism. Stop it. It’s nasty. It’s also not true.

  29. Fat Steve
    Fat Steve February 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm |

    Arielle,

    Even if one were to give the most generous interpretation of your comments and assume that your criticism of bare-foot people is not directed at those who do so for class related issues (i.e. can’t afford shoes or multiple pairs of shoes,) and is solely based on you thinking that someone who does not realize the dangers of cutting their feet is not , to quote Caperton, ‘intelligent, thoughtful, educated.’ I can almost accept that your fear of tattoos is due to your having being victimized by non-Jews and tattoos to you signify that someone is not an Orthodox Jew (I don’t buy that at all, but for the sake of argument, ok.) However you are just plain wrong about voting demographics. According to exit polls, in nearly every state, a majority of people who make under 35,000 a year vote Democrat, regardless of how the whole state goes, or whether they are rural or urban.

  30. Arielle Karp
    Arielle Karp February 28, 2012 at 6:02 pm |

    & u all wonder why the bill just passed?! I don’t know how many times I have 2 say it was poor wording on my behalf & u ppl just can’t take an apology! Tattoos are actually against my religion, but I’m sure u don’t know that from the way ur talking about it (I’m sure u would be surprised to learn that I actually do have plenty of friends w/tats, just not covered from head to toe). So now I’m not sorry & I’m mad the horrible bill passed, & while I’m upset I see ur all stuck on tatoos, so I’ll put this in terms you all can understand- kiss my Jewish, liberal, educated & “untattooed” ass! Geez!

  31. Mike Haubrich
    Mike Haubrich February 29, 2012 at 6:51 pm |

    Maybe the reason she cock-blocked him was because of his taste in ill-fitting suits.

  32. Stephanie Lord
    Stephanie Lord March 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm |

    This is what passes for political debate in Virginia?

    Jeez, and I thought we had it bad here in Ireland.

    That’s disgusting.

  33. M Dubz
    M Dubz March 2, 2012 at 3:15 am |

    @ Arielle- As a fellow lady with a “Jewish, liberal, educated & ‘untattooed’ ass,” you are offending me on behalf of all of the decent, thoughtful, liberal poor people I know (Your statements are offensive to all poor people, but I’m especially offended for my friends, who are fantastic human beings). You are being obnoxious and belligerent, which is really really really vile when, as the middle class person in this discussion, you have privilege. Capterton called you out very nicely, and the correct response was to apologize and shut up. You are digging yourself in deeper. It is not classy.

  34. M Dubz
    M Dubz March 2, 2012 at 3:17 am |

    Also, point of clarification; does this idiot think that his wife cock-blocked him because of distress at his opponent’s “ranting”? Does he not realize that his wife is probably horrified by his politics? Is he really that self-involved and utterly unable to empathize with others?
    … oh wait. Probably.

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