Most women seem to find Virginia’s proposed bill requiring transvaginal ultrasound for anyone trying to get an abortion horrifying and intrusive. We’re wrong, of course, because Virigina Delegate David Albo (R-Douchebucket) thinks it’s hilarious. Hilarious enough to stand up and joke about getting cock-blocked by his own bill on the House floor. His fellow delegates laughed and hooted like frat boys as he delivered a tawdry three-minute monologue–complete with slap-bass mood music–about his attempts to romance his wife, which were thwarted by a news clip in which Del. David Englin (D-Total square, amiright?) criticizes the bill.
DAVID ALBO. Speaker, point of personal privilege.
SPEAKER. The gentleman has the floor.
ALBO. Speaker, members of the House, the gentleman from Alexandria apologized, but he owes an apology to me. [light laughter from the assembly] Because let me tell you what happened. On Tuesday, after our contentious session, I went home. Wanted to see my kid and my wife. So I drove back home, got home in time to see my boy, read him a story, put him to bed. I went downstairs to relax in the living room.
In my house, I have, you know, this big, giant-screen TV, like a 46-inch or something. It’s big. It’s probably as big as that. [Laughter and boos from the assembly] So I say, you know wha–I’m really rich. Yeah. [Laughter from the assembly. Albo chuckles at his own joke.] So I thought, Wow. The boy’s in bed. Wife here. TV. [Albo clicks tongue, finger-guns. More laughter from the assembly] Got Rita some wine. And–hey, can you do some theme music going here? [Albo turns on some 70s-style gettin'-it-on music. Laughter] Got Rita some wine. Sat next to her. Used my patented cool move. I invented this, and it’s in the United States patent. [Laughter] I went, “Ohh, [Albo does the fake stretch, and the assembly laughs] I’m so tired.” [Laughter and hooting] I then turn on the TV to find the Redskins channel. Now, I know you think that’s weird, but my wife loves the Redskins more than she loves me. [Laughter and applause]
So I’m going through the TV, got my theme music going, my red wine, looking at the Washington Redskins, and I start flipping through the channels. And through the channels, I have to get to the news stuff, all of a sudden on my big-screen TV comes this big thing, a picture of a bill that has “Albo” on it. I’m, like, “Wow! Holy smokes! My name, as big as a wall!” And the very next scene was the gentleman from Alexandria’s face, as big as my wall, going [Albo does a mocking voice that sounds like Richard Nixon] “Trans-V blahblahblah, and this. [Uproarious laughter] Trans-V this, and trans-V that, and they hate women, and we’re gonna–and that bill–and she killed the bill because–She didn’t go far enough! She’s crazy!” And this goes on and on and on. And I’m like this with my wife. And the show’s over, and she goes, “I gotta go to bed.” [Prolonged uproarious laughter and applause and hooting from a bunch of elected officials who take their jobs totes seriously]
So if the gentleman’s plan was to make sure there was one less Republican in this world, he did it. [Laughter] So I expect an apology from you later, in person, on the House floor. Thank you, Mr. Speaker.
“They hate women!” You’re right, Davey, that’s a hoot.
Pop quiz time! What killed Rita Albo’s ladyboner? Was it that:
a) The Redskins went 5-11 [thx, Courage] in the regular season and got completely shut out by the Buffalo Bills (Seriously, the Bills)
b) She was turned off by her husband’s inexplicable interest in every other woman’s vagina
c) She suspected that a man who can’t bring himself to say the word “vagina” doesn’t know his way around one
d) She realized with big-screen clarity that she’s married to a complete waste of skin, oxygen, and taxpayer money who has respect neither for his job nor for women in general, her included
e) All of the above