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  1. jemima101
    jemima101 September 20, 2012 at 1:40 pm |

    I didnt have sex at all on my wedding night, does that make me better than this feckwitted judgmental [gendered slur redacted]?

    Does it matter that it’s because I was shattered from a pre wedding night threesome with husband and best man?

    1. Noadi
      Noadi September 20, 2012 at 2:06 pm |

      Marriage is something I’ve never particularly been eager to jump into but a me-groom-best man threesome might make me reconsider.

    2. Iany
      Iany September 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm |

      Ok seriously, that is awesome!

  2. Sarah
    Sarah September 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm |

    I am rather amazed that Crowder seems to think that there are only two kinds of relationships- heathen drunken slutty ones that have no real emotional meaning, or chaste, God- sanctioned, emotionally deep ones. Personally, I had an amazing wedding, that truly reflected myself and the man I married and the loving commitment we had made to each other. And we both enjoyed the champagne, and yes, the sex on our wedding night was pretty great. As it had been the previous four years. And it has been ever since. I think it’s great that Crowder has the relationship he wants, but I have a huge problem with the idea that his way is the only acceptable way to have a relationship. Crowder is wrong to think that pre-marital sex makes for bad marriages as a rule, but he is also wrong that waiting guarantees perfect marriages or perfect sex. The world just isn’t that black and white. And I am going to judge Crowder until the end of the world for thinking it is.

    1. JBL55
      JBL55 September 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm |

      Crowder is wrong to think that pre-marital sex makes for bad marriages as a rule, but he is also wrong that waiting guarantees perfect marriages or perfect sex.

      Perhaps his wedding night wasn’t really as transcendent as he needs to believe (and tell his readers, which is kind of creepy) it was. He clearly hasn’t learned the first rule of marriage, which is to never compare one’s own marriage to anybody else’s.

  3. Andy
    Andy September 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm |

    : I’ve never had married sex, so I’ll have to leave it up to my married readers to report whether the marriage ceremony took their sex life from adequate/spectacular to transcendent.

    It is better, but only because we’ve been together longer and understand each other better, it didn’t magically continue to get better after the ceremony.

    (well, except that, now when Jesus watches he gives us a spiritual high five, instead of the spiritual thumbs down)

    1. Andy
      Andy September 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm |

      As a follow up, I got slathered at my own wedding. Still had an amazing dance, cute cake cutting pictures, and great sex. Relatives still came from all around to celebrate.

      Although I do find it curious he mentions that they were joined financially at their ceremony too. Did they sign the joint checking account paperwork at the alter?

      1. (BFing)Sarah
        (BFing)Sarah September 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm |

        Wait…you didn’t sign your checking account paperwork at the alter? That was the second most intimate, romantic, loving, cherished, joyful, and fulfilling part of our Godly-marriage-pact! The most spiritual, glowing, beautiful, gentle, awesome, and glimmering moment was, of course, when we felt the hand of Jesus come down upon us and give us a gentle hug, congratulating us for having a True Loving Marriage In His Name.

        1. konkonsn
          konkonsn September 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm |

          Caperton, I about shed a tear reading that description.

          At my wedding, my SO and I will have to put our books on a shelf together.

      2. Rhoanna
        Rhoanna September 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm |

        If they did the paperwork to get legally married as well, then they’re joined financially, even without any joint bank accounts.

      3. suspect class
        suspect class September 22, 2012 at 4:23 pm |

        Maybe they’re going the traditional route where the woman no longer has a separate identity or right to independent finances.

    2. stonebiscuit
      stonebiscuit September 21, 2012 at 7:12 am |

      After the honeymoon, I actually found the sex got…weird, in the non-kinky sense of the word. It was almost like because we were no longer fornicating, a little of the spark was gone. That went away with good communication, but still.

    3. Vir Modestus
      Vir Modestus September 21, 2012 at 7:37 pm |

      Sex after my wedding dropped off precipitously because, and I quote: “We’re married now. We don’t have to have sex as often.” Never quite got over that, either the frame of mind that would come to such a conclusion as well as the actual drop in sexual frequency. I’m sure Jesus was proud, at least as far as Paul would have us believe. I was pretty much pissed off.

  4. pheenobarbidoll
    pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm |

    Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.

    Ah, the first thing to do on your list of – After We Become Adults- is to judge all those meanies who judged you first! That’ll show em! What better way to showcase your new found maturity than a good old fashioned tit for tat.

    Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

    Hang on. Before I finish reading this I have to go slip on a mini skirt, 12 inch heels and tease my hair. Gotta look the part.

    BTW- tying manhood to sexual conquest (and viewing sex as a conquest) is absolutely stupid. You’re correct, but not for the reasons you think. And that’s not just the aqua net talking. (80′s floozies everywhere know what I mean)

    . At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

    Um….if you overhear people talking about their very own wedding night that would suggest you’re hearing the couple. But the groom is absent, so who the fuck is the new bride talking to? You said THEIR wedding night.

    “Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

    No, actually I think she’s pretty observant. If the woman is sitting there discussing her wedding night with her husband(which is the implication when you write you overhear a table discussing their wedding night) and he’s not at the table, there’s some questions that will naturally arise.

    So I think you didn’t think this little story through very well, or have a good proof reader to helpfully point out this now sounds like a complete bullshit story you made up to cover for the fact that no one actually gives a shit about your sex life.

    1. (BFing)Sarah
      (BFing)Sarah September 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm |

      But his new Wife (!!!) is so innocent!!! She couldn’t even fathom the idea that a husband wouldn’t be with a wife for the first breakfast of their True Love Marriage together! Her naivety (sp?) is so beautiful and special! The rest of us floozy harlots would know EXACTLY where the husband was at that moment, we could just tell with the magic awareness gained from our many slutty trysts!

      1. scrumby
        scrumby September 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm |

        What are you talking about? His wife isn’t innocent. He stuck his penis in her so she’s been down graded to naive.

        1. delagar
          delagar September 20, 2012 at 10:24 pm |

          Yes, that’s exactly his disgusting point. It’s a sex-joke. Hah hah hah, I took her innocence with my big dick.

          What a tool.

    2. Tim
      Tim September 20, 2012 at 11:22 pm |

      Maybe it was Jesus the wife was talking to at the next table. If He had been there the night before, then He and the wife could have come down to breakfast and let the husband sleep in.

      1. moviemaedchen
        moviemaedchen September 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm |

        So it was a four-way marriage between husband, wife, table, and Jesus? Awesome.

  5. karak
    karak September 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm |

    How would he know?

    I mean, I believe you should have sex when you want to have sex, and not before. I planned my first sexual interaction, not because “everyone was doing it” but because I didn’t want to get married never having sex or having only had sex with one person. I’ve always believed that having sex with my partner BEFORE marriage is important.

    And, on my wedding night, I don’t plan to have sex at all–I’ll have been up and running for probably close to 24 hours and having planned a party that costs several thousand dollars. I think I’ll just want to cry and sleep.

    But, that’s for calling me a whore, you miserable stranger, and in that vein, you, Crowder, are a self-righteous pig. And I doubt that “amazing sex” was so good for your wife on her first time.

    1. Fat Steve
      Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm |

      And, on my wedding night, I don’t plan to have sex at all–I’ll have been up and running for probably close to 24 hours and having planned a party that costs several thousand dollars. I think I’ll just want to cry and sleep.

      Well, don’t write yourself off just yet. I don’t mean the sex, I just mean don’t assume that the entire wedding event is going to be harrowing and miserable. You’ll also be surprised at your own adrenaline reserves. Just remember the word ‘party’ is right there in the first sentence I block quoted. And it’s your party…so I suppose you’ll cry if you want to…but you don’t HAVE to ;)

      1. karak
        karak September 21, 2012 at 3:13 am |

        Fat Steve, I often react like this to any sort of event I plan, and some I attend. I stay up and anxious till the wee hours of the morning, get ready for the day, remain tense till I crash and cry, and then realize OH WAIT EVERYTHING WENT AS EXPECTED and I had a great time!

        In other words, I make myself miserable, not the act of planning a wedding.

      2. Attackfish
        Attackfish September 21, 2012 at 8:28 am |

        Speak for yourself. Some of us introverts find the idea of a party, any party, exhausting. Fun, possibly, but completely and totally exhausting. If I get married, sex the morning after would be so much more likely than the night of.

        1. moviemaedchen
          moviemaedchen September 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm |

          Yeah. Without serious prep time, I can handle maybe 30 minutes to an hour of ‘party’ time before I completely crash, and that’s just informal departmental receptions, not my own wedding-level party.

    2. Ashley
      Ashley September 20, 2012 at 10:32 pm |

      We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. It was a wonderful party, we had a great time, and we were so tired we just wanted to go to bed.

      Luckily we’d already boinked many many times so didn’t try to force our exhausted bodies to fit some cultural narrative of magical transcendent first time sex. It would have been lame and awkward, to say the least. Cuz omg exhaustion.

      1. Storyphile
        Storyphile September 20, 2012 at 11:55 pm |

        You perfectly described my wedding night too Ashley! We partied, went home, took off our fancy dancy wedding clothes, snuggled a bit and went to sleep. Then had awesome sex the next day when we were well rested. Which we could do because we had had practice. For some reason, I didn’t particularly care that this didn’t fit with some defunct cultural narrative based on controlling procreation by controlling (primarily) women’s bodies.

      2. Bagelsan
        Bagelsan September 21, 2012 at 8:47 am |

        It would have been lame and awkward, to say the least.

        Sounds about right for first-time sex, too. :p

    3. Vir Modestus
      Vir Modestus September 21, 2012 at 7:42 pm |

      I’ve always believed that having sex with my partner BEFORE marriage is important.

      As the wonderful Hal Sparks has said: “You don’t save yourself for ‘the one.’ You PRACTICE for the one!”

  6. millsapian87
    millsapian87 September 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm |

    I give these two a year, because this guy sounds like a real asshole. What a condescending, smarmy, judgmental shitbag. He must be a real joy to be around.

    FWIW, I’ve been married for nearly 23 years. Married sex is great, and unmarried sex was great. It wasn’t fraught with guilt trips and shame, unlike this poor fellow. I feel kinda sorry for him, but most of my sympathy is reserved for his poor wife. I imagine the orgasms will be few & far between for her.

    1. Computer Soldier Porygon
      Computer Soldier Porygon September 20, 2012 at 2:09 pm |

      Steven Crowder ‏@scrowder
      @dontwalkintime I’m not egotistical enough to think that my worldview of “right” only applies to myself. Either it’s right or wrong.

      see, he’s only a smarmy judgmental shitbag because he’s not self-absorbed enough to NOT be

      1. LotusBecca
        LotusBecca September 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm |

        That tweet of his has to make less sense than almost anything I’ve ever heard. How in his mind does “I’m right, and I think I’m so right what I say applies to everyone” equal “not egotistical” whereas something like “Maybe I’m right, maybe not. Who knows? Regardless, I don’t think I can credibly tell other people what to do” equal “egotistical.” Strange.

    2. Ella
      Ella September 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm |

      He reminds me of the guy my best friend lost her virginity to. It was the first time for both of them and afterward he completely freaked out and cried and showered for like a half hour, and insisted that she do the same. He was so disgusted with himself (and with my friend) because they had the dirty, sinful SEX. She knew that he was fairly conservative and religious but didn’t expect anything like that. That was over 10 years ago and she is still kind of traumatized by it.

      1. Ella
        Ella September 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm |

        I should add that of course it’s possible that he had experienced sexual assault or other trauma which contributed to his reaction. But based on what he told my friend, he was upset because he hadn’t waited for marriage, which obviously renders sex gross and sinful and horrifying.

      2. (BFing)Sarah
        (BFing)Sarah September 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm |

        I have to say this: sometimes the brainwashing that makes a person feel that sex is dirty and sinful is so strong that it doesn’t go away even with marriage. Its entirely possible that a guy would react that way to having sex, even if he hadn’t experienced sexual abuse (not that he didn’t, but its possible that he’d react that way even if he didn’t). Some of the language used in abstinence training CAN be (is not ALWAYS) very scary and sometimes invokes fear of hellfire and demon possession. It can cause very intense fear, trauma, and self-loathing in the people that are brought up that way. I had a bf that was brought up this way and he felt so guilty that we had a ‘prolonged kiss’ (there was no tongue) that he was in tears. The next day he wanted me to pray for forgiveness with him. I did because he was so upset…and his guilt was so strong that it effected me, as well (then I broke up with him…I guess that was the beginning of my floozy era?). Another friend of mine was raised this way and he actually broke up with a long time girlfriend b/c he was “too tempted by her” and he thought it should be her job, as the woman, to keep them from doing sinful things. He felt that the fact that they were always ‘too close’ to doing ‘sexual things’ (his wording–he meant making out), meant that the devil was involved in their relationship and it had to end. This guy was 25 years old. And in law school with me. I was somewhat shocked that he really believed all of this and that he was motivated to break up with someone that he had loved for two years because of it. And, lastly, I have a close friend that told me that it took her about a year to want to have or enjoy sex with her husband because she felt so disgusting and sinful about it. She said that she had absorbed so much of the teachings that sex = bad, dirty, slutty that it made it really hard for her to turn those feelings off once she got married.

        Now, not everyone feels that way, obviously. My mom is FOREVER going on and on about how she “remained pure” until marriage and she claims that it was wonderful. Thanks for sharing, mom. I, on the other hand, needed like a solid six or seven months of being a trollop to have an orgasm soooo I guess it depends on what you are looking for in a sexual relationship? Don’t know.

    3. Shoggoth
      Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:34 pm |

      I feel sorry for him for meeting the kind of girl who would marry a guy like him.

  7. Iany
    Iany September 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm |

    I used to think being Christian meant making an active effort not to be mean or judgmental. I was a naive girl.

    1. Chris
      Chris September 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm |

      THANK YOU.
      Christians like Crowder make Christians like me wig out a little. I promise you we are not all this crazy.

  8. Allegra
    Allegra September 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm |

    I read this elsewhere on the net, and all I could think while I was reading it was that he’s going to wake up in about five years and realize that he’s actually gay. I hope whatever he finds in his bed in the future he’s happy.

    1. Katniss
      Katniss September 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm |

      Why would you think that? It seems a lot more likely to me that he’s just your run-of-the-mill misogynist.

    2. Iany
      Iany September 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm |

      I wish people would stop assuming all poorly behaving christians are gay. It’s very upsetting to me, and it paints a poor picture of queer people.
      Some people are just jerks. The closet has nothing to do with it.

    3. robotile
      robotile September 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm |

      I know this is on Fox News, but it also says this guy is a standup comedian. Is it possible this smarmy, obnoxious nonsense is just a persona or something?

      Because if he’s being serious, then he is both a jerk AND not even remotely funny.

  9. Slim
    Slim September 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm |
    At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

    Um….if you overhear people talking about their very own wedding night that would suggest you’re hearing the couple. But the groom is absent, so who the fuck is the new bride talking to? You said THEIR wedding night.

    Re-read what Crowder wrote: The table was talking. If you are a virtuous man, you can see into the hearts of the corrupt and understand the words of furniture.

    1. pheenobarbidoll
      pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 1:40 pm |

      Yes. The sudden vague language suggests to me that he went back and re-read his BS and added “the table” to try and cover his lie. But he screws it up with the specific ” their very own wedding night”. If it was a table of wedding guests and the bride, it STILL wouldn’t be “their very own wedding”. They can talk about HER very own wedding night, but unless she married everyone at the table, it can’t be their very own wedding night.

      1. marcus
        marcus September 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm |

        The sudden vague language suggests to me that he went back and re-read his BS and added “the table” to try and cover his lie. But he screws it up with the specific “their very own wedding night”.

        When, oh when, will our leaders act to protect us from the menace of human-table marriage?

        1. Bagelsan
          Bagelsan September 21, 2012 at 8:50 am |

          Don’t judge us! *clutches table* The second I got a look at those four sexy wooden legs I knew I was ruined for real men!

  10. Amanda Marcotte
    Amanda Marcotte September 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm |

    Wait, when I lost my virginity, we didn’t have time to do breakfast the next morning, due to more doing it. I thought that’s how it was for everyone the first time they have sex—the novelty just keeps you going and going.

    So sorry to hear marrying first appears to make the sex so instantly routine that you’re like, “When do we get some food?” right away.

    1. colorlessblue
      colorlessblue September 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm |

      Nops. When I lost mine midafternoon I went to German class and learned the Dativ.

      1. teacherK210
        teacherK210 September 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm |

        Please — no sex on the first dative!

        1. Amelia the lurker
          Amelia the lurker September 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm |

          +1

      2. Reebar
        Reebar September 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm |

        I “lost” mine with a guy I met when he helped me in a really difficult statistics class (my teacher in more ways than one). I fell asleep a little disappointed because I thought I would get some earthshattering new insight into the universe or something. Then a few hours later I woke up at 4am and something just clicked and I finally understood one of the models in the class that I couldn’t figure out for weeks! It was amazing.

  11. Fat Steve
    Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm |

    (Note: I’ve never had married sex, so I’ll have to leave it up to my married readers to report whether the marriage ceremony took their sex life from adequate/spectacular to transcendent. I think Jesus is supposed to be involved, though, so if your union wasn’t blessed by Jesus, you might not get the sex boost.)

    It’s better and it’s not better. It’s different every time. But I don’t think Chowder is saying that married sex is better than unmarried sex. He’s saying that the first time you have sex is ‘special.’ That is the ridiculous notion that he is peddling. The way he is going on about his wedding night gives the impression that he thinks that sex couldn’t get any better and that does not bode well for the relationship.

    Oh and thumbs down to the poster above (Allegra) who decided he must be gay, just because he’s a judgmental idiot.

    1. Lolagirl
      Lolagirl September 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm |

      But I don’t think Chowder is saying that married sex is better than unmarried sex.

      Steve, did you make an intentional funny there?

      ‘Cause I admit it, I laffed.

      1. Fat Steve
        Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm |

        …yeah, bit childish I know…but I couldn’t resist!

    2. LotusBecca
      LotusBecca September 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm |

      Yeah, why do these people not seem to recognize there’s a learning curve when it comes to sex? I could see people being nostalgic, for instance, about the first time they drove a car or learned to tie their shoes, but generally they wouldn’t talk about how magically mystical it was and how they were instantly an incredible driver or shoe tier. More likely, they’d laugh about how awkward it was and how they shitty were at it.

      Mr. Crowder, you actually are probably getting a lot less out of sex than other people who’ve been doing it longer because you haven’t learned yet what specifically you like and don’t like; you haven’t learned yet the most fluid way to interact with your partner. And given the fact you don’t recognize this, it seems likely to me you will never get as much out of sex as others, and you will continue to relate more to your idea of sex than to the experience of sex itself.

      1. FashionablyEvil
        FashionablyEvil September 20, 2012 at 4:57 pm |

        This is what confused me most. I don’t think I know anyone who had amazing sex the first time–mostly it ranges from bad to mediocre.

        1. robotile
          robotile September 20, 2012 at 10:24 pm |

          First sex is bad on average, but there certainly are reports from people for whom it is legitimately awesome. It probably has to do with how much people are turned on by novelty/newness vs. competence.

        2. Lolagirl
          Lolagirl September 22, 2012 at 10:54 am |

          Yep, I agree completely. My first time was epically bad, and I was savingish myself for my one twoo wuv with whom I would spend the rest of my life (who actually turned out to be an abusive jackass) because it was supposed to be the bestest ever that way. The only good thing I got to take away from that relationship is that it disabused me of all those stupid Catholic thoughts about sex with which I was raised all through my childhood.

      2. (BFing)Sarah
        (BFing)Sarah September 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm |

        Yeah, I thought that, too. I think it takes awhile to become fully confident in your body, your sexuality, knowing what you like, feeling confident expressing what you like, etc. And I think that sex changes through the life cycle as well. You can’t say that you’ve had “the best sex in your life” if you have JUST started having sex that night. Its not “the best sex in your entire life” its the “ONLY sex in your entire life”. There is a difference. Unless he didn’t remain ‘Pure’ until marriage? And just because the sex HE had was awesome, doesn’t mean it was awesome for her. I honestly did not know I wasn’t having orgasms during sex (“yea, I mean that does feel good…kind of…”) until I actually had an orgasm during sex (“Whoooooooooooooooooa! What the F***??!!! I was missing that this whole TIME??!!!”). Sometimes you don’t know how good it can be until its actually good. I think that is actually sometimes a point made in abstinence teaching, though. If you have never had any other sexual experiences, you can’t compare your spouse sexually to another person. There is no one to live up to if there has been no one else. If you don’t know that its bad, it must be good…right? I get it…but it still makes me sad for them.

  12. Lolagirl
    Lolagirl September 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm |

    This is a common mistake, isn’t it, assuming that because you are happy with the way you live your life that your way is the only bestest way ever to live life for all the people in the world? By extension, everyone else is doing it wrong, so of course you are entitled to your smug feeling of superiority and resulting judgment of the not doing it your way.

    Honestly, I think this is the core problem with discourse here in the U.S. these days. Everyone thinks there way is the one, true, right way, and that everyone else is doing it rong and stupid to boot. It’s a fundamental failure of empathy and imagination, being able to put oneself in another’s shoes and understand their point of view, regardless of how different it may be from one’s own.

    Mr. Crowder himself sounds like a misogynist, holier than thou, jerk. I would expect nothing less from a Fox News columnist, which is also a sad statement of what passes for journalism these days.

  13. pheenobarbidoll
    pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm |

    When Fox news first started, I waited expectantly to discover it was a satire news channel. Because FOX tv shows don’t tend to represent right wing “values”.

    I’m still kinda hoping in a few years they come out with a HAHA! FOOLED YOU ALL.

    1. PrettyAmiable
      PrettyAmiable September 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm |

      Because FOX tv shows don’t tend to represent right wing “values”.

      Seriously! Glee? Every reality show ever?

      1. pheenobarbidoll
        pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 2:06 pm |

        Married with Children was the first FOX show I watched.

        1. Fat Steve
          Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm |

          Wait a second, pheeno! Are you implying that the Murdoch corporation is somehow hypocritical?

        2. PrettyAmiable
          PrettyAmiable September 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm |

          Gotta tell you, there’s some amount of sexism in Married with Children that totally makes me believe it’s a Fox show, haha.

  14. Fat Steve
    Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm |

    Surely an abstinence columnist shouldn’t be writing anything at all…

    …just a thought.

    1. Natalia
      Natalia September 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm |

      LOL

  15. JoCoCo
    JoCoCo September 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm |

    We should have a pool to see how long it takes for Crowder to get busted at a rest stop propositioning some guy for sex. He’s got a lot of issues.

    1. Jadey
      Jadey September 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm |

      Right, because everyone knows being a total douchebag is a sure sign of being gay. Because that’s who gays are, right? Repressed assholes (and asexual BFFs to trendy white straight girls). Being gay: a sure sign that something is wrong with you.

      1. DouglasG
        DouglasG September 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm |

        I commend your reply. It also saves me from having to bring out my cure for attributing Closeted status to trolls.

        One of my favourite commenters elsewhere used to tangle on occasion with a persistent troll, whom she consistently bettered. Once or twice, however, she speculated about his orientation. (Nobody’s perfect, and, to her credit, she took my retort like a champion.)

        My response to her speculation was that, if necessary to defend myself from the idea of sharing an orientation with the troll in question, I’d have to post my theory about how violently attracted the troll was to her, dwelling in explicit detail on the question of exactly what he would be doing while reading all her excellent smackdowns of him.

        (By the way, if you like Gary Burghoff, you might enjoy his stint of filling in for Charles Nelson Reilly on Match Game in early 1975.)

        1. rhian
          rhian September 21, 2012 at 11:35 am |

          So your response is to threaten creepy imaginary descriptions of someone’s boundaries being violated by the d-bag in question? I’m opposed to the homophobic comments too, but that is totally inappropriate.

        2. DouglasG
          DouglasG September 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm |

          It was more turning her own post back on her. She’d written something to the effect of, “Troll, I can picture you doing X, Y and Z as you read Famous Person’s Writing and pen your trolly little comments,” and I was mainly asking how she’d like such comments directed at her.

          We were both part of a friendly group that agreed with each other and supported each other’s comments at least 90% of the time, and she had a little running joke using dating the troll in question as about 8 out of 10 on her Ewww!!! scale. It’s not the sort of thing I’d ever have said to anyone I didn’t know well, and sorry for omitting the context from my first post. There was ample reason to believe it wouldn’t be going too far, and it wasn’t, though had I been wrong I’d have apologized and not gone there again.

    2. Katniss
      Katniss September 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm |

      Seriously, two homophobic comments on this post already? What the hell?

      1. Shoggoth
        Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm |

        The joke is getting stale, but there’s plenty of repressed closeted asshole gays hiding as moralists. It’s a popular career for that crowd. It’s not a homophobic joke. Nobody making them, at least here, would care whether or not they’re gay. It’s an anti-hypocrisy joke. The homosexuality is only given a negative connotation inside the joke because it is amusingly incongruous with the outward views of the butt of the joke.

        I mean, are you not amused when one of these jokers gets outed? If you can’t remember, just give it a few months. Don’t tell you it wouldn’t be a real knee slapper if video of Rick Santorum smoking meth while being shat on and blown by a team of young soft men surfaced.

        It’s also funny because they seem to get busted doing incredibly trashy tasteless gay things. There’s never a huge reveal they have healthy fulfilling relationships, either committed, or otherwise. It’s always like something from a Lou Reed song.

        1. DonnaL
          DonnaL September 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm |

          there’s plenty of repressed closeted asshole gays hiding as moralists. It’s a popular career for that crowd. It’s not a homophobic joke. Nobody making them, at least here, would care whether or not they’re gay.

          Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean that it’s OK to speculate that every right-wing asshole is really gay. Yes, that kind of speculation is incredibly homophobic, whether you would care or not about someone being gay. That isn’t the point.

          they seem to get busted doing incredibly trashy tasteless gay things.

          Trashy tasteless gay things? What the hell does that mean? Screw you.

        2. Shoggoth
          Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm |

          What? No. I meant like airport bathrooms, rest stops, meth fueled antics in a cheap motel. That kind of tasteless.

          But I did mention, the joke is getting stale. Up there with Catholic priest jokes.

        3. Taylor
          Taylor September 21, 2012 at 6:04 am |

          Explain to me how repression is funny, even when someone is a homophobic shit. That’s not something you wish on a person to get a nasty laugh later on, no matter how awful they are.

  16. Past my expiration date
    Past my expiration date September 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm |

    “Mimbo”? I thought it was “himbo”? Also, I prefer “trollop” to “harlot”, please, thank you.

    1. pheenobarbidoll
      pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm |

      My late husbands mother had an antique sign in her sunroom that read-

      Beware pick pockets and loose women.

      It was hilarious. She also had rooster decor in her kitchen, and always told guests it was her cock collection. Her formal living room was fancy and frilly, so it was the bordello.

      This woman plied me with wine on my wedding day, and when it was time to leave for the honeymoon she got me into the car and yelled ” I got her drunk for ya son” in order to horrify the preacher who had gone against my wishes and added “be an obedient wife” to the vows. She and my mother led the crowd with laughter when he said that.

      But our wedding night wasn’t anything special. Floozy I am, we had already been living together for awhile so we watched movies most of the night in our hotel room.

      1. onetinythought
        onetinythought September 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm |

        What an awesome MIL, LOL

        1. pheenobarbidoll
          pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm |

          Yeah she was. The MIL I have now is the worst human being on the planet.

    2. Andie
      Andie September 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm |

      Trollop is good. I’m especially fond of ‘hussy’, even more so when paired with ‘brazen’.

    3. librarygoose
      librarygoose September 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm |

      I prefer strumpet. It makes me think of pastries.

      1. Lolagirl
        Lolagirl September 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm |

        Weeelll, crumpets are more like english muffins, much more savory than sweet. But pasties (worn by strumpets and breastfeeding mothers everywhere, doncha know, cause they are actually one and the same) very much make me think of pastries and then make me wish I was seeing one set down in front of me for own my eating pleasure.

        1. Past my expiration date
          Past my expiration date September 20, 2012 at 7:06 pm |

          If you wore the pasties that are pastries, you could feed the baby and yourself at the same time!

        2. Lolagirl
          Lolagirl September 20, 2012 at 7:27 pm |

          Yum!

      2. Tim
        Tim September 20, 2012 at 11:32 pm |

        Well then, what about “tart”?

        1. Lolagirl
          Lolagirl September 21, 2012 at 5:57 am |

          Tarts are great too. Although it’s a tight race which is better, being one, or having one for dessert. Although I suppose one could do both, and be all the happier for it!

        2. Lolagirl
          Lolagirl September 21, 2012 at 5:58 am |

          Hello, my name is Lolagirl, and I have a gigantically huge sweet tooth and a correspondingly encyclopedic knoweldge of all things dessert.

  17. Natalia
    Natalia September 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm |

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    (Oh Jesus, I think I’m about to pull a jaw muscle)

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Anyway, not only did I have a drunken slut-wedding – but I had it while pregnant! In my second trimester, technically! (So while everyone was drinking and slutting it up, I had a glass of champagne and then proceeded to root through the heap of baby clothes we got as presents)

    So am I still a harlot – or can I take it to the next level? Like, Whore of Babylon, maybe? Can someone please explain to me what the gradations are?

    1. pheenobarbidoll
      pheenobarbidoll September 20, 2012 at 2:08 pm |

      Nope, sorry. I had mine with my 3 year old as the flower girl. AND I didn’t even marry her father!

      1. Natalia
        Natalia September 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm |

        So I *don’t* get to be the Whore of Babylon?

        Well, fuck. Guess I’ll have to settle for Whore of Moscow, or some boring shit like that.

        1. Shoggoth
          Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:46 pm |

          “Whore of Moscow” would make a great album title

        2. Amelia the lurker
          Amelia the lurker September 20, 2012 at 9:54 pm |

          Sounds like the title of a play by Gogol (although maybe “Whore of Petersburg” would be more a propos).

  18. The Disorientated Graduate
    The Disorientated Graduate September 20, 2012 at 2:03 pm |

    I had spectacular drunken sex on my wedding night. Someone should have told him you could do both? And it’s still fun? And the next morning we had breakfast in bed because we weren’t hungover, we were just plain exhausted from the wedding, a day which was fun but really, really tiring.

    (Although, to be fair, spectacular drunken sex is something we did before we got married, and we’ve done it again since. Sex is sex, married and unmarried; it varies each time, with nothing to do with marital status. Then again, I’m a slut and my husband is a himbo. I’m looking forward to telling him this.)

  19. roro80
    roro80 September 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm |

    Haha! What a piece of work this guy is. When I got married, almost everyone got schnockered, including myself and my handsome groom. The reason is that roughly 50% of the guests had a personal hand in the planning, decoration, dress-making (yes!), poem-reading, flower arranging, invitation design and printing, DJing, event management, and/or ceremony performing. This “just another party” was filled to the rafters with so much love and support that everyone wanted in on the action. Much of that love and support was built over a thousand beers and bottles of wine and sometimes-poorly-thought-out liquor concoctions, along with a million showtunes and helping each other move and crying on shoulders and marching together for social justice and … well, buddy, let’s just say it was pretty fucking touching. Love and connectedness and raucous wedding night sex — all without mentioning Jesus or God during the ceremony, all without the giant whollop of asshole judgment that this guy seems so proud of.

  20. ellestar6
    ellestar6 September 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm |

    Sex on my wedding night was okay. I only really remember it because it involved taking off that complicated dress and having so many bobby pins in my hair that laying down was a little uncomfortable. But still, pretty okay.

    Now, one particular sexy time we had the week before our wedding… It still curls my hair to think about it. *rowr*

    I still kind of liked the awesome sex we had before we got married a little better because I really liked that our terrifc premarital sex life would make someone like this angry enough to spit while he ranted about how unGodly we were: “*orgasm* Take THAT, haters!”

    Sex after marriage is still pretty great, though.

    1. stonebiscuit
      stonebiscuit September 21, 2012 at 7:35 am |

      OMG the bobby pins. mr. biscuit taking them all out for me was the best foreplay I could have asked for at that moment.

  21. Véronique
    Véronique September 20, 2012 at 2:14 pm |

    It’s hard for me to believe that you can have a successful marriage when one partner is the definition of insufferable. But then, maybe his (silent, unless she has her own column) partner is long-suffering. That’s a time-tested combination, but not one I would want to emulate.

  22. Ron O
    Ron O September 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm |

    The best thing about married, really partnered, sex is I don’t have bad sex anymore. That’s just part of figuring out who is right for you. It’s sometimes ‘meh,’ with Spouse, but just because we are tired.

    Spouse was 7 months pregnant when we were married. She was exhausted by the end of the reception, so I tucked her in and then went and hung out with my family and friends for a couple hours longer. I don’t drink much, and had no headboard banging, but I was still hurting a bit the next morning and slept in longer than she.

  23. EG
    EG September 20, 2012 at 2:24 pm |

    Unless Crowder sat down with B&B Bride to explain to her how his wedding was a beautiful coming together of two souls under the blessing of God while hers was a gin-soaked bacchanal

    Whoa. Where can I sign up for the gin-soaked bacchanal? That sounds much better.

    1. moviemaedchen
      moviemaedchen September 20, 2012 at 3:51 pm |

      That was my response too. Gin-soaked bacchanals filled with trollops, mimbos and drunken floozies are the best. ;)

    2. cherrybomb
      cherrybomb September 20, 2012 at 6:34 pm |

      I feel like I’d have a better shot with the maid of honor at a gin-soaked bacchanal* than I would at a coming together of two abstinent souls and their abstinence-supporting family & friends.

      *not because of the gin, but because of the lack of abstinence.

      1. Shoggoth
        Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm |

        What? You don’t want to drink sparkling grape juice and play Twister with these wild souls?

        1. Bagelsan
          Bagelsan September 21, 2012 at 10:26 am |

          Does a Christian side-hug count as third base?

        2. cherrybomb
          cherrybomb September 22, 2012 at 8:29 pm |

          I doubt they’re into twister. Twister is waaaaay to sexual for folks like Crowder.

  24. Kaitlin
    Kaitlin September 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm |

    I’m a little curious as to why Mr. Christian Two-Shoes is so found of using Yiddish slang for his prudish judgment.

    1. scrumby
      scrumby September 20, 2012 at 4:31 pm |

      “Yiddish as a Second Language” is the trope you’re looking for. Basically, back in the olden days of Vaudeville and again in the early years television, censers would throw out all the actual swear words so the Jewish-heavy cast/writers/etc. would just use Yiddish/Yinglish instead. So as it stands in American English, Yiddish sounds judgmental, critical, and insulting but not obscene, and repressed, cross-up-the-ass fundies like this ass are all over ways to judge people without using actual swearwords because being a hateful shit in your heart doesn’t make Jesus cry like calling someone a hateful shit.

    2. Donna L
      Donna L September 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm |

      I suspect that he doesn’t have any idea what “schmuck” actually means.

      1. Shoggoth
        Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm |

        AHEM.

        In modern American English, schmuck means a fool, a doofus, a frivolous and usually gullible person.

        In Yiddish it means penis.

        Sorry, I just don’t like the whole “The word REALLY means…” thing, because words mean what people use them to mean and that changes.

        Again, sorry. Just a pet peeve of mine.

        1. EG
          EG September 20, 2012 at 6:22 pm |

          OK, if we’re getting petty, “schmuck,” as it is used colloquially in both English and Yiddish has nothing at all to do with frivololity.

          Words retain meanings. If I call someone a wanker or a jerk-off, I am calling on the meanings of those words unless the earlier meaning has fallen out of use.

        2. EG
          EG September 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm |

          AHEM. New meanings don’t make old ones magically disappear. If I call somebody a wanker or a jerk-off, I’m invoking the original meaning whether or not I know it or mean to.

        3. Shoggoth
          Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm |

          Ah, but jerk-off is a different case. Schmuck is a loanword, but jerk-off is native, and it’s meaning is known by pretty much everyone who uses it. Calling a person a jerk-off is directly saying to them, in their language, that they are one who jacks it, a real load tosser. Wanker is similar, but in the UK, though it’s gained a lot of traction in the US, and I suspect the meaning is still well known by those who used it. The old definition of schmuck, as a dong, a tallywhacker, indeed even a dick, is not commonly known by most who use it, which removes the intent.

          I would agree though, that it’s original meaning, and the context in which it was used helped shape the use-cases for it in people’s mind in a direction that follows from a basepoint of “This guy is a real dick”, and so it has a sort of penis ghost meaning.

        4. Shoggoth
          Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm |

          My real objection is to inferring that penis is the “actual” meaning of schmuck, as opposed to it’s historical meaning. A super minor quibble.

          FUN FACT: Quibbles are born pregnant

        5. scrumby
          scrumby September 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm |

          I think you’re just kind of proving my point with your response here. Plenty of people know what schmuck translates to (all it takes is one Jewish kid in your middle school) but that’s not enough to make it obscene in the same way that dickhead is. Same with putz, schmoe, pisher, or dreck. It’s not like the meaning is different, Yiddish speakers call each other dicks too, but the blueness of the term is significantly less in English making it less racy than cock but more mature than buttface.

        6. DonnaL
          DonnaL September 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm |

          shoggoth, I don’t entirely agree. The most accurate translation of schmuck is “prick,” I think, although maybe not in quite as despicable a way. I don’t believe it’s the word generally used for “penis” qua penis in Yiddish, either. And it’s kind of difficult to define it, because it can mean a prick, but can also just mean someone who’s sort of a jerk, but not necessarily intentionally. A doofus sounds more to me like a putz. Which also means “penis,” of course! But is different from a schumck. Or a schlemozzel. Or a schmeckel, which means a little penis. (There’s a band consisting of trans guys which calls itself the Schmekeles, I believe.)

          Not to mention that schumuck is slang in Yiddish in the first place. It comes from the German word for jewelry or decoration, right? As in “family jewels”?

        7. AJD
          AJD September 21, 2012 at 11:00 am |

          According to Wikipedia, there’s a lot of debate over whether the Yiddish word that schmuck comes from is related to the German word Schmuck ‘jewelry’ or not. My inclination is to believe that it doesn’t, because the Yiddish word is shmok, not shmuk, and the latter is what you’d expect to correspond to German Schmuck.

        8. suspect class
          suspect class September 22, 2012 at 4:42 pm |

          DonnaL-The band isSchmeckel. I recommend starting with I’m Sorry, It’s Yom Kippur, as it is currently seasonally appropriate.

          / PSA derail

      2. Fat Steve
        Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 7:21 pm |

        I suspect that he doesn’t have any idea what “schmuck” actually means.

        I bet he doesn’t know the difference between a schlemiel and schlemozzle either.

        1. Shoggoth
          Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 7:44 pm |

          Basically all Yiddish insults are great.

        2. Computer Soldier Porygon
          Computer Soldier Porygon September 20, 2012 at 8:32 pm |

          Hasenpfeffer incorporated! *music* DOIN IT OUR WAY

        3. Amelia the lurker
          Amelia the lurker September 20, 2012 at 10:00 pm |

          A shlemiel spills his soup, it lands on a shlimazl, and a nebech cleans it up!

      3. Shoggoth
        Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm |

        Donna, that was hella interesting. Learning Yiddish is one of those things I like to think maybe one day I might do but probably never will, so this is good stuff.

        Also thanks everyone else for bringing a few new ones to my attention.

  25. Barbara
    Barbara September 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm |

    Your wedding is one day, your wedding night is one night. There is already way too much “significance” attached to that 24 hour period. To think that you can judge the quality of your marriage, which has practically speaking not even begun, based on that 24 hour period is at least one reason why so many people end up not being married a few years out (read: letdown). To compare your relationship to others based on perceived differences in style and content of wedding and wedding night — that’s some kind of narcissism.

  26. Midday open thread | Hotspyer – Breaking News from around the web

    [...] Bwahahahahahahahahaha: Is there anything wrong with delaying sexual activity? Certainly not. There are plenty of reasons to do that. If your reason is “Jesus will think I’m a slut,” of course, that’s problematic. Or is it? Take Fox News abstinence columnist (yes, that’s a thing) Steven Crowder–who is himself abstinent no more. Having patiently and virtuously saved himself for marriage, Crowder now has become an honest-to-God husband, complete with a beautiful, meaningful wedding night full of the best sex he’s had in his entire life. And that makes him better than you. [...]

  27. DAS
    DAS September 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm |

    I am still confused as to how Crowder jumped to the conclusions he did about the other couple. I interpreted “[he had a] really good time last night” to indicate that the other couple had a LOT of sex and the guy is still tired from the experience. For all Crowder knows the other couple could also have been “saving themselves for marriage” (as the, to me, ick-inducing expression goes) and simply had a helluva time “catching up” after all that waiting, which is how I thought (according to the “save yourself for marriage” crowd) it was supposed to work — you are celibate until marriage and then magically, when you are married, you have fantastic sex. Sometimes one partner, though, is able to recover from a sex marathon better than the other — which may be why the woman was awake and the man was not.

    I guess I’m missing something because I have no personal experience with Crowder’s point of view. The only time my Rabbi said not to have sex before marriage is that he told my wife and I that we should abstain from the time between when we went to the mikvah (and alas, no joint mikvah allowed) to the time we were married.

    I think the official policy of my religious denomination is Hashem forbid you mix meat and milk or eat pork, but pre-marital sex? mneh … whatever … just be sure to use protection

    1. konkonsn
      konkonsn September 20, 2012 at 9:03 pm |

      I’m thinking he couldn’t imagine a woman giving her husband such a good time that he couldn’t get up the next day. After all, sex is where men do all the work why the women just lay there and be encouraging, right?

      1. Shoggoth
        Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 9:11 pm |

        I know when I have sex I like the girl to yell encouraging things like “GO TEAM!” and “NUMBER ONE WINNER GUY!” and “USA USA USA!”

      2. DAS
        DAS September 21, 2012 at 11:38 am |

        But wouldn’t “men do all the work” be why he’s tired and can’t even get out of bed, while she’s fine for breakfast?

  28. shfree
    shfree September 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm |

    As a person who didn’t go through a wedding, I can’t really comment to that, but I was a brazen hussy who gave birth to a bastard child. And frankly, despite the fact that I’ve had sex a bunch of times with her dad, now my ex, I DO remember the first time we engaged in such activities, as I do with the vast majority of individuals I’ve had sex with before and since. And I was a brazen hussy, hoo boy.

    1. shfree
      shfree September 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm |

      Oh, I meant to add. Thus, the whole idea that you will remember That Night of sexing of something Special and Unique is, frankly bullshit.

  29. Betty
    Betty September 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm |

    Umm. Not sure how this joker over-heard a couple talking about their wedding when the husband was not present.

    “At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior”

    You wouldn’t think he would use “very own wedding” if he was describing a wedding party discussing the wedding.

    I’m going to have to call “Shenanigans” on his BS article. I’m going home right now to have unmarried sex with my boyfriend!! Get ready honey!!

  30. Madame Hardy
    Madame Hardy September 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm |

    Damn. I’ve been happily married for (counts on fingers) 31 years, and that rant makes me want to get a divorce just so I can be a live-in harlot. It sounds pretty sexy, doesn’t it? “Hi, I’m Dave, and this is Cytherea, my live-in harlot.”

  31. JBL55
    JBL55 September 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm |

    (Note: I’ve never had married sex, so I’ll have to leave it up to my married readers to report whether the marriage ceremony took their sex life from adequate/spectacular to transcendent. I think Jesus is supposed to be involved, though, so if your union wasn’t blessed by Jesus, you might not get the sex boost.)

    Our wedding night was a blast, mainly because our wedding was fairly simply and unstressful by current standards. It was a chance to throw a nice big party for our closest friends and relations, and we spent our first night of wedded bliss in our very favorite hotel so it was the perfect ending to a perfect day.

    After 22 years of marriage (which was preceded by five years of — oh, what’s the word? dating? courtship? whatever), I can say with complete confidence that sometimes we reach new levels of transcendence, like what happened just last week.

    But that’s just what happens over time, with increased intimacy and trust leading to new kinds of openness and giving.

    And we both feel our union is blessed by God, mainly because we believe our getting married was God’s idea in the first place. Neither of us had any intention of getting married, but we got the exact same vision at the exact same time and we were fifty miles apart at the time. Some gentle reader may wish to provide a physiological and/or neurobiological explanation, but we’re happy with the one we have.

    So our lovemaking, which has always had a spiritual aspect, just became more so when we got married, and it has continued to this day.

    It’s too bad that guy who no longer qualifies as an abstinence columnist doesn’t accept comments, as I would love to know how he can sanction a three-way marriage between a man, a woman, and a table.

    This was a wonderful blog post and I’m really glad for the link from Daily Kos!

    1. Natalia
      Natalia September 20, 2012 at 11:09 pm |

      After 22 years of marriage (which was preceded by five years of — oh, what’s the word? dating? courtship? whatever)

      The word you’re looking for is HARLOTRY and/or SLUTTITUDE!

  32. Isidore
    Isidore September 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm |

    staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor

    This made me snort so hard. Does he realize that everyone experiences this at the beginning of a relationship? Us “floozys” are just smart enough to wait for it to wear off before we make a big commitment to someone who turns out to be total asshat. His wife will probably be discovering that in 6-12 months.

  33. Beauzeaux
    Beauzeaux September 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm |

    >>People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.<<

    I wonder what brought on the scoffing. Was it you prancing around declaring yourself to be the Purest Bestest Little Christians in the whole damn town? How would anyone know you were "saving yourself" unless you were spreading the news?

    I for one don't ask about the sexual practices (or lack of them) of couples I know. And certainly not of couples I don't know.

    I suspect the young couple have spent a great deal of time announcing their purity and when it wasn't always met with a round of applause, they were grievously offended. Hence, the made up story of the couple at the next table.

    Live your life they way you want but don't expect me to lead cheers to your wonderfulness.

    1. macavitykitsune
      macavitykitsune September 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm |

      This. I was a 22yo virgin not that long ago. Nobody knew it except the ones I told, personally. It’s actually fairly difficult to speculate on the sex life of anyone who isn’t going around town with a drum and a megaphone.

      1. Fat Steve
        Fat Steve September 20, 2012 at 7:16 pm |

        It’s actually fairly difficult to speculate on the sex life of anyone who isn’t going around town with a drum and a megaphone.

        Yeah, I think we can assume someone going around town with a drum and a megaphone isn’t getting laid that often.

  34. Davd Allen
    Davd Allen September 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm |

    I give his marriage five years. The guy is sanctimonious and clueless, never a good combination.

  35. Midday open thread - Online Political Blog
    Midday open thread - Online Political Blog September 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm |

    [...] Bwahahahahahahahahaha: Is there anything wrong with delaying sexual activity? Certainly not. There are plenty of reasons to do that. If your reason is “Jesus will think I’m a slut,” of course, that’s problematic. Or is it? Take Fox News abstinence columnist (yes, that’s a thing) Steven Crowder–who is himself abstinent no more. Having patiently and virtuously saved himself for marriage, Crowder now has become an honest-to-God husband, complete with a beautiful, meaningful wedding night full of the best sex he’s had in his entire life. And that makes him better than you. [...]

  36. Chataya
    Chataya September 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm |

    This article is giving me some great ideas for my wedding announcements.

    “We would like to invite you to the ceremony of Chatay and her live-in mimbo, to be joined in a gin-soaked bacchanal…”

    1. Victoria
      Victoria September 21, 2012 at 9:38 am |

      If I received an invitation to a gin-soaked bacchanal I would totally go. That sounds like a blast!

      So much better than the five hour family circle jerk and dry cupcake snooze fest that make up most right-wing weddings.

  37. rain
    rain September 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm |

    and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.

    Selflessly? Snort! Hands up, anyone else that thinks they’re being altruistic and doing the other person a favour by fucking them.

    1. Lolagirl
      Lolagirl September 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm |

      Selflessly? Snort! Hands up, anyone else that thinks they’re being altruistic and doing the other person a favour by fucking them.

      Wait, I thought us repressed wifefolk are not supposed to actually be into having teh sex, and thus are doing our spouses a monumentally huge favor from baby Jesus every time we let them fuck us fuck them.

      1. amblingalong
        amblingalong September 20, 2012 at 6:51 pm |

        Yeah, that line in particular was very Gileadian.

  38. ellid
    ellid September 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm |

    All I could think when I read that was if his *wife* agreed with him about the rapturous sex, or if maybe this asshole wasn’t quite the amazing abstinent lover he thought he was.

    Either way, he’s still a self-righteous little prick.

  39. Marissa
    Marissa September 20, 2012 at 8:04 pm |

    What’s wrong with delaying sex till marriage? Well, my husband might have something to say about that. I’m his second wife; we cohabitated for about 18 months before our wedding. All is well in our marriage. His first wife and he did the no-sex-till-marriage thing . . . and had to divorce when his wife figured out she was gay.

    Obviously that’s not going to happen very often, but if you’re religiously conservative, you could be tamping down what you might (if that’s your worldview) call “homosexual urges,” hoping your holy matrimony and the attendant blessed intercourse will wipe them all away. Spoiler alert: no fucking way.

  40. SamBarge
    SamBarge September 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm |

    How harlot-y is this? I couldn’t remember if we had sex on our wedding night. We weren’t drunk or anything; it was 22 yrs ago and, frankly, we had a lot of sex before and we’ve had a lot of sex since. It’s hard to remember one night.

    I asked him and Mr. Barge is certain we did, but not because he actually remembers. He just can’t imagine that we passed up the opportunity. I tend to agree.

    But you know what’s better than one night of transcendent sex served up with a side order of sanctimoniuos judgment? A life-time of better than average, no hang-ups about it sex with a like-minded partner (or a number of like-minded partners). Building a life un-constrained by bronze age hang ups about sex and your body. Realizing that the first time you have sex with anyone, you’re a virgin all over again. Oh, and getting the fuck over yourself.

  41. mxe354
    mxe354 September 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm |

    “Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.”

    Indeed. It also makes you sound like a misogynistic shithead.

    1. Shoggoth
      Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm |

      And now YOU are being judgmental! You see, LIEberals were the real bigots all along!

  42. Blake
    Blake September 20, 2012 at 8:52 pm |

    This guy is supposed to be a comedian? Why is he such a huge dick? Seems like the average Christian is no better at being a Christian than than the rest of us. Wonder if the sex was as magical for the bride as for the groom? Hoped they watched the instructional Christian porno so he didn’t do any damage. That vagina doesn’t come with a manual.

    1. Shoggoth
      Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 9:05 pm |

      “It goes in the vagina? Well…that’s a game changer.”

    2. EG
      EG September 20, 2012 at 9:08 pm |

      Why is he such a huge dick?

      Let me quote Joe Strummer in Alex Cox’s brilliant Straight to Hell:

      “Sexual frustration.”

      1. Fat Steve
        Fat Steve September 21, 2012 at 1:00 am |

        Salsa y ketchup.

        1. EG
          EG September 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm |

          OH MY GOD YOU HAVE SEEN THAT MOVIE? YOU KNOW THE BRILLIANCE!

          Fat Steve, if you were not already married, I would propose immediately, based on that alone.

          “Plenty of coffee!

        2. Fat Steve
          Fat Steve September 21, 2012 at 7:42 pm |

          I’ll tell ya, watching that movie back when it came out (on VHS) I never thought to myself, that actress playing the girlfriend, she’s going to be really famous some day. What do I know, eh?

        3. EG
          EG September 21, 2012 at 9:02 pm |

          The first night I rented that movie from the store, I watched it three times in a row. Seriously. I just kept rewinding and playing it again.

          Here’s the kicker: my store’s copy was missing the first ten minutes. The little sense that movie makes is completely absent without the first ten minutes! And yet I knew it for the genius it is.

      2. LMM
        LMM September 21, 2012 at 8:50 am |

        You know, I really don’t want to come across as really cynical, but — even if he IS on a plane, shouldn’t he be more interested in lawful, Godly sex with his new wife and not with being an arrogant essayist?

        I get that Real, True Christians may not be fallen, sex-driven hussies, but – well, I assume he’s heard of the Mile-High Club at some point.

        1. cherrybomb
          cherrybomb September 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm |

          Right? I take this as further proof their magical first time wasn’t all that great, due to the fact that he’s spending this much time talking about his first time, rather than going at it like bunnies. I thought that was the whole point of the honeymoon– those virgins need to lock themselves up in a hotel for two weeks, so they can catch up on all the sex they’ve missed out on.

          And what kind of red-blooded american passes up the chance to nail his new bride in an airplane bathroom? Why are they not bunny-ing?

    3. SamBarge
      SamBarge September 21, 2012 at 6:20 am |

      Whoa, whoa! He’s a comedian? Shut the front door!

      How bad is his act?

      1. Bagelsan
        Bagelsan September 21, 2012 at 11:31 am |

        Chowder: “What do you call a woman who–”

        Audience: “A SLUT!!”

  43. Shoggoth
    Shoggoth September 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm |

    Just think of all the kids who read that and said “That sounds great! I also will practice abstinence!”

  44. lollobridgeta
    lollobridgeta September 20, 2012 at 10:35 pm |
  45. Kristen J.
    Kristen J. September 20, 2012 at 11:42 pm |

    At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

    Either his “anecdote” is full of shit or inarticulately written. If “they” were discussing “their” wedding, then the “they” would have to have been the bride and groom. But without a groom there is no “they” to discuss “their” anything.

    Mr. Kristen’s observation after my dramatic reading? “Dude, if weddings are the first time you’ve emotionally bonded with the person you’re marrying you may have some difficulty in the long run.”

    As for our “wedding” which consisted of a judge, two random witness, and a kosher hot dog, it made zero difference which is approximately what we expected. Whether we had sex after is anyone’s guess. I was studying for the bar so I may have been studying, on the other hand stress makes me more interested in sex so…who knows we might have had sex that morning before left. Our “moment” was when I told him I loved him. We both knew at that moment that we were in it for the long haul.

    1. DouglasG
      DouglasG September 21, 2012 at 7:06 am |

      Any “coincidence” without a reference to Deidre Chambers loses half its value.

      Your wedding sounds refreshing. I just hope that you got to carry over your unused Bridezilla Period of being completely forgiven for being totally unreasonable for several months.

  46. Erica
    Erica September 20, 2012 at 11:53 pm |

    Even if the groom did have a hangover, that doesn’t automatically (or usually) translate into “he got so drunk he blacked out”. I know people who get hangovers after two glasses of wine. Needless to say, they still manage to remember the previous evening’s events just fine.

    I guess, just as with premarital sex, Crowder has had little experience with drinking and therefore comes up with all kinds of bizarre misinterpretations of what it’s actually like.

  47. Anonymous for this one
    Anonymous for this one September 21, 2012 at 12:40 am |

    Uh, HI! I didn’t have sex ’til marriage. My opinion of the transcendent first-time-only virgins-in-love deflowering-each-other event was: Huh, that was it? Maybe with a side of is he done yet?

    So I’m in the rare position of having been both the spotless perfect bride and the dirty harlot (hi, divorced.)

    I’ve had much better sex than that wedding night. Hell, I had much better sex with that asshole I married, but I’ve had AMAZINGLY better sex since I dumped him. Surrprisingly, having sex with people who are emotionally checked in and looking you in the eye while they do it is waaaaaay better. People who communicate and actually care about your pleasure beyond the fact that your pleasure provides lube and IOUs. Wierd, huh?

  48. stonebiscuit
    stonebiscuit September 21, 2012 at 7:23 am |

    How does he even know the slattern’s groom had a headache because he was getting slizzered at his own wedding?

    That struck me as a pretty far jump, too. I drank next to nothing at my wedding, but had a screeching, raging, twice-the-recommended-dose-of-Advil headache the next morning, and mr. biscuit had to literally pick me up out of bed before I would get up for the morning-after brunch with our friends. Then, at the fancy dinner my new in-laws hosted that night, I fell asleep at the table. Big emotional events are exhausting! Dude needs to take off his judgey glasses.

  49. Tracey
    Tracey September 21, 2012 at 7:58 am |

    Despite my views on the current discourse on marriage and cultural expectations of what it should look like, even for members of the same sex, I almost want to get married for two reasons:

    1). Twice the amount of free stuff by having a house warming and a wedding (though commitment ceremony could garner free stuff I hate the idea of a commitment ceremony for me because they are too luvvy duvvy/touchy-feeley. Celebrating the gaining of civil benefits makes it less of a hug-hug squish fest).

    2). Having a Doctor Who theme where the doors at the end of the aisle open to reveal the TARDIS from which one partner comes out and asks me to be their primary companion. We would then fight the daleks who showed up and I would rip my dress revealing that I was wearing combat boots and biking shorts beneath because that outfit combo is awesome to me. Maybe we should fight the daleks first, because being asked right off the bat to be a companion usually means it won’t last.

    And then, there would be much drinking and possible some sonic screwdrivering later( huh, huh, you know what I’m saying), Jack Harkness and John Hart might even show up. I’m pretty sure my views on marriage would make this guy faint but any wedding I actually had would banish him to the shadow realms.

    Also, it never ceases to amaze me how many people seem to never learn that just because something works for them doesn’t mean it is the best way for everyone else, and just because something matters to them doesn’t mean it matters to everyone else. I’d think learning that would be an important part of building a relationship in the first place as it would necessitate discussing values and expectations instead of assuming others shared yours.

    1. moviemaedchen
      moviemaedchen September 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm |

      Ok, that Doctor Who wedding sounds legitimately awesome.

    2. Arkady
      Arkady September 23, 2012 at 3:46 pm |

      Some friends of mine chose the Doctor Who theme tune to walk up the aisle at the end of the ceremony, was totally amazing (during the ceremony they had Belinda Carlisle and the Beatles as ‘hymns’). They also had a pirates vs. ninjas themed wedding cake. My flatmate is into LARP and has been to several LARP-themed weddings, need to nag him to show me some pictures sometime.

      Wedding law is odd in the UK, the Who-themed couple wanted to adapt the Church-of-England official legal ceremony (she’s religious, he isn’t) but could not, no adaptations allowed. They did the usual trick that groups like the Pagans have to use, doing the legal bit at the registry office then having the ‘unofficial’ ceremony. We have civil partnerships for same-sex couples in the UK, but as it stands (there are some, slow, political efforts to change this) even religious groups that want to perform civil partnerships aren’t allowed to (and a civil ceremony is not allowed to have any mention of religion as part of official procedings). The current govt. is planning to change to allow full marriage at some point, but they seem to be taking their time over it.

  50. HAB
    HAB September 21, 2012 at 9:06 am |

    He has some other interesting articles as well:

    Is Liberalism Killing Manly Men?
    Think Religious Extremists are Scary –How About Secular Extremists
    My Parents ‘Beat’ Me, and Thank God They Did
    The Trouble With Hipsters

    1. Bagelsan
      Bagelsan September 21, 2012 at 10:34 am |

      My Parents ‘Beat’ Me, and Thank God They Did

      I hope his wife is cool with spanking him, then.

      1. Lolagirl
        Lolagirl September 21, 2012 at 10:42 am |

        I hope his wife is cool with spanking him, then.

        Do something fun and kinky, why heaven’s no!

        All you need to know about this guy is that he uses terms like manly men and secular extremists. Because we must have the former to maintain Godly order and purity, and the latter must be killed with fire.

  51. In Defense of Steven Crowder’s Abstinence Advocacy

    [...] opinion piece on the rightness of saving sex for marriage. Naturally, the piece has sparked lots and lots of indignation, much of it quite vulgar and generally hazardous to brain [...]

  52. Jade
    Jade September 21, 2012 at 11:15 am |

    I wanted to laugh at this guy’s ridiculously presumptious and misguided ideas about weddings and marriage, but then I realized that this guy might reproduce. It’s incredibly sad to think of a child or children being subjected to that.

    Anyway, to the heart of the matter, what on earth has gone so wrong in this guy’s life that crammed his head so far up his own ass that he can’t conceieve of any happy reality outside his own make believe? Maybe he has such disdain for everyone because his wife’s and his own sexual repression led to an over-inflated impression of what his first sexual experience and now he’s lashing out at others because it wasn’t as magical as he’d been convinced it would be.

    My wedding consisted of one person officiating, two witnesses, my now husband and I. The sequence of events went something like this: The weekend beforehand, being already engaged, we decided to just go ahead and get married. So, on Monday morning, we went to the courthouse, got out marriage license and a waiver for the mandatory waiting period (Due to our age, we’re pretty sure that they assumed that we were getting married due to pregnancy, though, I was not pregnant at the time.). We met up with a preacher that my husband knew at the time and asked him to perform the ceremony that day as the justice of the peace was unavailable that day. Then we set a time and called two friends to be witnesses for the license. We got married in the grunge style jeans and t-shirts we had put on that morning and went out to my favorite restaurant afterwards.

    Since we’d already been humping like rabbits for the two months prior, we just had a little more of the dirty, sweaty, slutty sex we’d been having and then fell asleep. Ten years, three kids, and a whole lot of life (for ten years time, that is.) later, that day is still remembered as being just as magical as anyone imagines their wedding day will be, and I still like to drag him into the laundry room, lock the door, and have him bend me over the washer like the dirty, slutty, little floozy that I am. And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

    1. gwyllion
      gwyllion September 21, 2012 at 11:23 am |

      just AWESOME jade!

  53. abra
    abra September 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm |

    I win.

    If this guy is lucky, in a few years, he will stop jumping around and celebrating in an awkward moment when he realizes he was busy spiking the ball over his “victory” in a game no one else was playing.

    Life isn’t a competition and your spouse isn’t a trophy.

    1. SubjectVerb
      SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am |

      My husband and I think we won :) We are very competitive.

  54. Jennifer
    Jennifer September 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm |

    If people want to stay virgins, so be it. Everyone judges what they do not understand.
    My only problem is that he publicized what was such a sacred moment between two people like a pompous 17 year old after his first score.

  55. A few words on harlotry, the marriage industrial complex and Steven Crowder | Natalia Antonova

    [...] I read this discussion of Crowder’s um, joyful missive from the Ever After – as well as checked out Crowder’s own Twitter - and it got me thinking. About [...]

  56. offfwhite
    offfwhite September 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm |

    I can’t help but feel like we’re all being equally judgmental of Crowder. Isn’t it possible that what he gets out of sex is totally different than what many of us get out of sex? For him, maybe sex is about marriage, and family, and a uniquely privileged relationship. Maybe screaming orgasms and tingly genitals are not even on his radar. Maybe the fact that he never has done this with anyone else, and never plans to, is so rewarding to him, that he’s getting a pleasure out of awkward, first-time sex that most of us would never get, or never look for.

    Don’t get me wrong… he’s a totally judgmental shitbag himself. I’m just seeing a lot of the pot calling the kettle black here.

    1. SubjectVerb
      SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 10:25 am |

      Agreed. That is why I avoided this thread till this morning. People being judgey about people being judgey.

      Plus, he says he is making a judgement. Jesus, the liberal feminist pages EXPLODED when this article was published, which is exactly what the author was looking for. And, honestly, as a libertarian feminist, I think that the article was pretty awesome. People are free to make choices, and they are free to be judgey (and yes, people in this thread, you can be judgey, too, but you are really all pots and/or kettles, so be aware of it).

      Maybe screaming orgasms and tingly genitals are not even on his radar

      I have to wonder, do you believe that marriage and these are mutually exclusive?

      There are so many marriage poo-pooers on this site. Marriage isn’t about marriage itself, it is about the person you are married to. You can be married to a total asshole, and your marriage will suck (just ask me about my first engagement – whew, avoided that one). You can also be married to the most amazing man in the world, have the best sex life ever, and have a marriage that is more than you ever thought one would be. Please don’t generalize all marriages by the bad ones in this world.

      1. EG
        EG September 27, 2012 at 10:42 am |

        I’m not being judgmental of him because he’s being judgmental. Everyone I know is judgmental. I’m being judgmental of him because he’s a douchebag who can’t conceive of love existing in the presence of alcohol and premarital sex.

        1. SubjectVerb
          SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am |

          No, he’s saying his wedding was better:

          Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together.

          There is no mention of other people’s marriages being better or worse. Weddings are not the same as marriages.

        2. SubjectVerb
          SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am |

          Whoops, by marriages, I meant relationships. Stupid POV.

        3. EG
          EG September 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm |

          Same goes. He can’t conceive of a meaningful, important celebration involving booze, and he calls women who have sex before marriage “floozies.” I’m judging him for being a slut-shaming shithead. I don’t much care whether or not he’s a judgmental slut-shaming shithead.

      2. offfwhite
        offfwhite October 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm |

        I have to wonder, do you believe that marriage and these are mutually exclusive?

        No.

  57. Occasional Link Roundup | Brute Reason
    Occasional Link Roundup | Brute Reason September 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm |

    [...] A hilarious analysis of a conservative columnist’s pathetic attempts to shame people who have sex before marriage [...]

  58. Chris
    Chris September 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm |

    Am I the only one who finds it a little bit strange that the whole article is completely about him with nary a mention of his wife and her experience of the wedding night? It’s entirely a gloat-fest about how awesome the sex was for HIM, with zero appreciation of his wife’s feelings both about the wedding night *and* about the fact that he just publicly, via a news website, announced that they had awesome sex. If I were a newly-wed, conservative female, that would bug me more than just a little bit.

    1. Andrea
      Andrea September 27, 2012 at 4:07 pm |

      I don’t find it strange at all. On account of him being a gigantic tool.

  59. SubjectVerb
    SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 9:42 am |

    I’ve never had married sex, so I’ll have to leave it up to my married readers to report whether the marriage ceremony took their sex life from adequate/spectacular to transcendent.

    It did, and it’s awesome. We abstained during our engagement and most of our dating because we wanted to save it for our marriage. There isn’t anything wrong with premarital sex (I used to be a firm, active supporter), but saving it for marriage makes the wedding a lot more special. I have been on both sides, so I can speak for this.

    1. Fat Steve
      Fat Steve September 27, 2012 at 10:10 am |

      So, everything since then has been a bitter disappointment?

      1. SubjectVerb
        SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 10:27 am |

        I don’t understand your comment. Please explain.

    2. macavitykitsune
      macavitykitsune September 27, 2012 at 11:33 am |

      So….you’ve been on both sides of this how? The only two ways I’m seeing is that you had marriage A, where you waited, adn then marriage B, where you didn’t. In which case it doesn’t work, because clearly marriage A didn’t work out and transcendental “YOU ARE THE ONE” sex is supposed to last forever. The other way is that you had marriage A where you didn’t wait and then marriage B where you did. Except “waiting” doesn’t count unless you’re a virgin and waiting to be sexual with The One, so you didn’t wait, logically.

      Not arguing with your experience, just your logic.

      1. SubjectVerb
        SubjectVerb September 27, 2012 at 11:44 am |

        Except “waiting” doesn’t count unless you’re a virgin

        Abstinence isn’t an all or nothing thing. Just because you had sex with someone or many people before you meet the “ONE,” as you say, doesn’t mean you must have sex with someone else before marrying them. You can abstain before your wedding night with someone even if you have had premarital sex with other people because you want it to be special. You are automatically taking for granted that the only to have a special wedding night like the guy in the article did is to be a virgin. Nope, not the case at all. This isn’t a black and white thing like many people think it is.

        Also, just FYI, I avoided a bad marriage by breaking off an engagement before I married the asshole.

        1. macavitykitsune
          macavitykitsune September 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm |

          Makes sense, and I hadn’t considered an engagement! Glad you escaped the asshole.

          That said, I think that’s your understanding of abstinence (with which I have no issues), not the popular one (which is incredibly problematic).

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