The blog The Worst Things For Sale, which chronicles and collects online listings for the worst things for sale (ready-made whip-its, anyone? Jerry Sandusky’s memoirs, Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story?), has run across a compendium of steamy, sexy stories from Cosmo, that ever-flowing font of totally-not-ridiculous tips for Making Him Moan. Even without having read Cosmo’s Sexiest Stories Ever: Three Naughty Tales, I can guess that it’s going to be replete with mastery of man-bits, much in the manner of TWTFS’s imagined excerpt.
Caroline touched Gregory’s weenie lightly, with her fingernails, because she knew it drove men crazy. “Wow,” Gregory said. “Wow, a lot, those fingernails are sexy.” Caroline smiled, and then took about 6 ice cubes and rubbed them on his huevos.
“That’s a cold and sexy huevo!” Gregory screamed. “Get that huevo mega sexy!” He leaned back, and sighed, and said “I’m definitely taking the kids to soccer tonight. You just relax and have a hot bath.”
Caroline smiles. It was so mega sexy for her man to do that. “You’re cooking dinner, too,” she purred, rubbing another ice cube on his huevo.
Then, I’m assuming, she slapped his dick back and forth like a tennis ball, sucked him off through a mouthful of chewed-up fruit, spritzed him with ice water, and devoured him like a piece of meat, thus satisfying his dirty-licious fantasies and giving him what he craves in bed. That sex goddess.
Wow. Wow, a lot.
(“About” six ice cubes. Because it’s so hard to be precise when it comes to ice cubes.)
Was it 3 ice cubes per huevo, or all 6 alternated between huevos? I MUST KNOW.
Cosmo sex tips have led to some of my finest sexual disasters.
The worst was the toothpaste beej, which ended up with him in the shower trying desperately to get toothpaste out of his external urethral orifice. Wheee Cosmo.
Are you sure that was a sex tip? Sounds like a time-saver tip. Maybe BJ then brush teeth is better…
Huevos.
uhh huh huh huh…huh huh
/butthead
This is obviously the most erotic sentence ever put to paper…
True Story: My sex life improved dramatically when I realized that human sexuality is just plain bizarre and I should embrace the silliness of it all. The vast majority of us have our *things* and our *things* to an outside observer would probably make them giggle. So, my theory is that magazines like Cosmo are really just an elaborate form of absurdist art aimed at making us chuckle at ourselves.
My theory is that the Sex Tips columns in almost every magazine that offers one have been infiltrated by spies trying to recruit for a contrary orientation.
But I can’t feel anything too harsh about such columns, however badly written, as they so often remind me of the conversations between Patty and Camille on My So-Called Life. I especially loved Patty’s takedowns of tips (“‘Force him into the car and don’t tell him where you’re going.’ I do that every weekend; it’s called visiting my parents.”) and share her loathing for phrases akin to “putting the romance back” into a relationship.
Its possible, but I think they oversell it a bit. I mean really…holiday lights?
That sounds dangerous.
The best (as in worst) Cosmo sex tip I ever read was to get naked, cover yourself in fairy/xmas lights and then walk in the room while your boyfriend was watching TV.
I do wonder if anyone ever tried that for real and what the reaction was.
See…do they even MAKE battery powered lights? Or are you supposed to drag an extension cord behind you like a train.
Yes they do. They even sell Christmas light necklaces. My parents got me one when I was 10.
yeah.They are pretty useful for some small displays. My family would put them inside a gingerbread house. where they would illuminate windows made of melted hard candy.
This can’t possibly end well.
My all-time favorite Cosmo sex tip was, while on a hike with your man, find a smooth round cool stone and then, while getting frisky, press the smooth round cool stone against his taint. Because obviously every dude will be like, “Mmmmmm I love a smooth round cool stone on my taint” and not like, “Um, are you trying to put a rock up my ass?”
why does the use of the word “taint” make that so much funnier?
Because it’s easier to pronounce than perineum.
I’m partial to “grundle” myself.
Obviously the correct response to your hypothetical guy is:
“What? I’m getting your rocks off. “
Ah, Cosmo. “Non sequitur? Nothin’ sexier!” Because nothing is as hot as being baffled, uncomfortable, and inexplicably sticky.
… actually, that does kind of sound like sex.
But what if you can’t find a round smooth stone when you’re on your knees blowing him? If you pick one while you’re still walking, it’ll be warm from your pocket and defeat the purpose!
For a sexy twist, put some sand in your mouth. That gritty feeling on his dick will drive him crazy!
*Note to self*
Do not read Feministe while suffering from fever-induced insomnia, and lying next to a. soundly sleeping partner.
Those convulsions caused by attempting to suppress howls of laughter will make you vomit a little bit.
A STONE? I don’t have any frame of reference for man-woman sex stuff, but even I know that’s fucking ridiculous!
Where do you keep the stone? Cos if it’s under one of your boobs it’ll get sweaty and warm.
Huevos? Eggs?
Dear lord. I don’t want to think of them as something so easily ruptured.
I just want to know what’s up with Cosmo and sticking donuts around a man’s erect penis, then nibbling it off.
Low blood sugar?
Bitches love donuts.
*insert cream-filled joke here*
Or, on second thought… don’t. D:
Multitasking.
That is the one time that you don’t want your donuts hot from the fryer.
I can’t believe that Worst Things For Sale blog hasn’t come across (no pun intended) this slim volume.
http://www.lulu.com/us/en/shop/fotie-photenhauer/natural-harvest-a-collection-of-semen-based-recipes/paperback/product-20052760.html
Thanks for grossing me out, I have this picture in my head and it’s not a good one
Thanks for grossing me out, I have this picture in my head and it’s not a good one
Thank you for this gem.
I thought that semen et al were only ever alluring to people when they were turned on (which apparently overrides a lot of disgust reactions)
All I can say is that every man I know gets mega sexy turned on when I use the word “weenie”. [/sarcasm]
My favorite Cosmo sex tips have involved licking the back of a guy’s knee, his underarm, or his eyeball.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
This is my favorite thread ever.
Mine too, even after it gave me the gigglepukes.
Yeah I had the moose call coughing laugh.
Cosmo Sex Tip: Just fucking bite his dick already.
Beer everywhere. Thanks.
Hey, people, you’re taking Cliff’s job!