I have nearly 200 tiny babies in my uterus right now.

Gettin’ crowded in there.

A warning to all uterus-havers who are on hormonal birth control: That uterus of yours is absolutely filled with tiny dead babies. Lots and lots of little babies. You’re basically a microbaby graveyard, says conservative radio host Kevin Swanson, a.k.a. That Snoring Guy In The Back Of Sophomore Biology Class, or alternately That Guy Not In Biology Class Because He Was Biblically Homeschooled and now promotes godly homeschooling and a Biblical worldview, and that’s just medical science.

I’m beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and certain scientists that have done research on women’s wombs after they’ve gone through the surgery, and they’ve compared the wombs of women who were on the birth control pill to those who were not on the birth control pill. And they have found that with women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb. They’re just like dead babies. They’re on the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.

What our evil Satanist bitch gynecologists tell us is breakthrough bleeding is actually the bitter tears of the tiny fetuses eternally embedded in our uterine lining. It’s science, y’all.

The doctors and scientists Swanson cites are members of the Association of Doctors Against Medicine-Based Medicine, which has recently released papers detailing the body’s ability to shut that whole thing down and a woman’s inability to get pregnant when the juices don’t flow and the body functions don’t work, as well as studies on how oxytocin depletion turns women into sluts. Watch this space for future research detailing the anatomical location of the human soul and the clinical dangers of same-sex marriage.

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84 Responses to I have nearly 200 tiny babies in my uterus right now.

  1. igglanova says:

    I’m kind of stunned. I think we may have found the holy grail of mansplaining.

  2. Li says:

    Ok, so this is potentially an entire derail about my early noughties highschool experience and the entertainments enjoyed by teenage boys, but back in the day guys used to play this game called, imaginatively, “the Penis Game”, and it involved one person saying the word “penis” in class, and then the next person needing to say the word slightly louder, and so on and so on until you were basically just screaming “PENISSSS” as loudly as possible.

    Anyway, I only bring this up because I feel like Republicans are engaged in some kind of nationwide version of the Penis Game, except that instead of saying “penis” at increasing volume they’re attempting to beat the previous person’s attempt at saying ridiculous shit about reproductive anatomy.

    • miga says:

      I remember the PENIS! game. And its cousins, SEX! and VAGINA!

    • SamBarge says:

      Not a derail. That is a perfect explanation of what is going on here. They are just playing a game, right? That has to be it. No one can be that stupid and manage to live in the world, can they?

  3. “Association of Doctors Against Medicine-based Medicine”?????????? This is a thing? I’ll Google it later, haven’t time now, but the idea that this is even a thing is too feckin’ scary. And here I was about to say “Certain doctors/scientists? Citations or GTFO” in Swanson’s direction.

    • Caperton says:

      I haven’t actually heard of one, but I figure one has to exist. We keep hearing about all this stuff that “doctors say,” but no one ever says which doctors. There has to be a professional organization of them somewhere.

      • It only occurred to me after I posted that comment that it had to be satirical! ::blush:: ;)

        Possibly the crowning stupidity of this idea is that even if it were true, we’d surely all be dead of septicaemia from that dead foreign tissue stuck inside us.

      • speedbudget says:

        Septicemia doesn’t exist. It’s a trick thought up by “scientists” to force women to be sluts.

        I know what I just said is true because SIYUNCE!

      • Datdamwuf says:

        caperton, “I haven’t actually heard of one, but I figure one has to exist. We keep hearing about all this stuff that “doctors say,” but no one ever says which doctors.”

        you meant, no one ever says “Witch Doctors” right?

  4. Andie says:

    Birth Control Makes Baby Jesus cry. Especially the tiny baby Jesuses embedded in your uterus.

    How come when he says “Certain Doctors” I immediately thought of this?

  5. Bonn says:

    Dozens and dozens of tiny fetuses in my womb?? Just because I’ve been on hormonal BC all this time (ten years)??

    That’s pretty impressive and mysterious, considering I’ve never “known man” (so to speak).

  6. JBL55 says:

    So that’s why I can’t seem to lose those last few stubborn pounds.

    It’s not belly fat: it’s hundreds of tiny dead babies.

    • SamBarge says:

      That’s exactly what I was thinking. So that weight gain many women experience on bc is actually a baby-graveyard. I wonder if there’s a weight-loss product that can be developed that essentially purges the uterus?

      Think about it. You could make millions.

      • Datdamwuf says:

        OMG, that’s why middle aged women get fat stomachs, the dead babies are BLOATING, I’m freaking out – someone get me a Witch Doctor quick

  7. Shigekuni says:

    I am very, very sleep deprived right now and as I read the insane description by Mr. Biology above, my brain instantly conjured Nurse Gollum from South Park (this one), and multiplied that image. Ughhhhh. I see a horror movie in the making. Who cares about accuracy when you can have uteri lttered with dead babies. And maybe crocodiles.

    What about hats, though.

  8. pillow in hell says:

    You have GOT to be kidding me…

    Please tell me that this site is a poe.

    How the fuck do they think you get a fetus when there isn’t any eggs to unite with a sperm?! Oh wait, what they really meant is that our uterii contain millions of tiny dead sperm. Which still doesn’t make sense.

    Also, love the “I’ve heard evidence is coming in…”. Nice way to build in an emergency escape hatch when people call you out on your sick little fantasy of grinding women down.

  9. pheenobarbidoll says:

    Well that would account for all the screaming when I start my period.

  10. Sheelzebub says:

    I’m basically staffing the next FEMINIST ZOMBIE ARMY in my womb. Srsly.

  11. Chataya says:

    That’ll teach the little bastards to sneak in there.

  12. EG says:

    I have an idea for the creepiest horror flick ever…

    The Haunted Uterus!

  13. Athenia says:

    It never ceases to amaze me just how much people will try to demonize the female body.

  14. Drahill says:

    Here I was under the impression that at conception and before implantation, a zygote is a few cells – so, basically, its microscopic. When do these doctors have the time to pursue my uterus with a microscope after ANY surgery? Jeez, I was under the impression they were in there to do a job and get out. Now I need to worry any time I have surgery, the doctor is going to open up my uterus and peruse it with a microscope, CSI-style. As if I didn’t have anough problems.

  15. samanthab says:

    I don’t think it’s crowded in there. God has a plan!

    I envision some kind of dead baby Pinterest inside, where everything’s filed away in categories. Maybe a dead babies with crazy hair board, a dead babies that cry at movies board, a dead babies that snort when they laugh board…only the man in the sky and the truly special doctors know for sure, but there has to be some organization here.

    My concern is my new puppy. She gets spayed later this week, but she’s not old enough to breed. Where do her dead not-yet puppies go? It’s like a Doris Day song that ends badly.

  16. A4 says:

    That is really fucking creepy. What the hell, don’t say things like that, guy.

    • ellid says:

      I had nightmares after I read that at Daily Kos. It is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read, and I seriously wish I’d never read it. “Vile” doesn’t begin to cover it.

  17. Odin says:

    Soo… what mechanism are they proposing here? I mean, in order for their claim to be true, HBC would have to:
    (a) not prevent ovulation
    (b) not prevent conception
    while simultaneously
    (c) not prevent implantation (even though that’s the anti-choice excuse for mislabelling EC an “abortificant”)
    while additionally:
    (d) causing the deaths of embryos.fetuses
    (e) preventing the body from expelling dead embryos/fetuses
    (f) preventing all the other bad side effects of having a dead embryo /fetus in your uterus, such as infections from, you know, dead tissue.

    If (f) were true, I think doctors would be using HBC to prevent infections and rejection after organ transplants. And possibly the funeral industry would use it to preserve bodies.

    …in which case, HBC would be pretty damn amazing.

  18. bleh says:

    Are they too tiny to work? I could use a zombie fetus army to clean my house.

  19. ElegansMan says:

    Sigh….as someone in the medical field and well versed in biology, I can confirm that Kevin Swanson is an [redacted]. I know this needs no explanation but to any lurkers who may believe it….birth control pills manipulate the female endocrine system in order to limit hormones that promote follicular growth. Without follicular growth, there’s no ovulation. Without ovulation, there’s nothing for sperm to fuse with. Also, many birth control pills induce edema and change the characteristics of the endometrium (inner uterine layer), preventing implantation if an ova does get away. If Kevin Swanson is right, the entirety of medical understanding of the female reproductive system is wrong, all treatments for female reproductive conditions will have to be reformed because nothing ever worked, and there will be a great medical revolution. Haha

    • pillow in hell says:

      What’s even better is that his “logic” makes every person with a uterus a murderer. The uterus comes stocked with far more ova than any woman could possibly give birth to in a lifetime.

      I demand greater funding for life extending technology so that I have a chance of getting into paradise.

    • DAS says:

      I know! I know! Pick me!

      If the sperm don’t meet up with eggs, then they just go somewhere else: our “friend” must be assuming they go into the uterine lining just like embryos would. And since you don’t flush out the uterine lining if you are on the pill (except for when you stop taking it and experience withdrawal bleeding), those sperm just stay in there. And, as we know, sperm themselves contain tiny little people — ergo, using the pill results in hundreds of dead fetuses in your uterine lining.

  20. Clytemnestra's Sister says:

    This is where we’re finding out who paid attention in 7th grade health class or not.

  21. Henry says:

    I think we need to take a page out of the middle ages, but instead of imprisoning people for advancing knowledge, we should be putting people in jail for spreading outright false hoods. I know it’s harsh to imprison people for speech and academic freedom etc, but it took humans 100,000 years or so to get to where we are technologically and socially and I do not want us to go back to living in caves and chucking flint spears at the neighboring tribe in a fight over the decayed remains of some animal.

  22. Tyris says:

    So what we’re hearing here is that if you don’t successfully turn every single egg into a baby, you’re a murderer.

    Never mind that it’s impossible. MURDEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER.

  23. llothcat says:

    Didn’t I hear this mocked, and mocked thoroughly, on coasttocoastam?

  24. Sue says:

    Hmmm….maybe THAT’S why I’ve got a large belly after all these years.

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  26. Angie unduplicated says:

    So …my aging uterus allegedly is full of pilonidal cysts hallucinated by a talk show host who snorted Rush Limbaugh’s drugs.

    This one happens to the menz, too. Cysts full of hair and bones, just above the arsehole. We can tell them that they have killed the Second Coming of the Messiah and give them total ridiculous hell.

  27. EG says:

    See, now I feel left out. I’ve always used barrier methods. My poor uterus feels so empty.

    • sabrina says:

      that was kind of my thought because I use both (I have uterus problems and so the pills don’t really help with the whole not get pregnant thing) so sperm never even make it into my body. What is inside my uterus? I want it to be a pony. Do I get a pony?

    • (BFing)Sarah says:

      No worries. It doesn’t take long to build up a few fetuses to keep you company. I find that prayer helps.

  28. (F)Emma says:

    “What our evil Satanist bitch gynecologists tell us” perfection

  29. yes says:

    So, I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s started to seem a little more sinister than simply silly, ignorant bullshit. I mean, if this guy actually believes this is how the female body works, that is still funny.

    But this kind of feels like a more cynical, calculated ploy. Like this guy is hoping that this takes on an urban-myth style life and becomes one of those pieces of misinformation that won’t die and might make it into the head of a teenager who doesn’t have access to actual information(another thing definitely on this guy’s priorities). Or, alternatively, as a way to squick out grown men who have never had any sort of rudimentary sex education or even basic anatomical knowledge, but still vote.

    Or a foot in the door to “teach the controversy.”

    • Brennan says:

      I kind of feel the same way. Yeah, it gives us a good laugh when one of these bits of nonsense come out . . . but then I remember that someone saying something ridiculous and repeating it loudly was how we got to nukes in Iraq and death panels coming for Grandma.

    • (BFing)Sarah says:

      I agree. This worries me. Think of all the Duggar kids that are reading stuff like this and thinking its FACT. Then imagine those people parroting it to other children/teens/young people/politicians, who might not be raised by science-hating Jesus-folk, but who might just not have a handle on reproductive facts yet…those people might BELIEVE it and make reproductive decisions based on it. That just makes me sad and upset.

    • Alyson says:

      Reminds me of “blue waffles.”

  30. Amelia the Lurker says:

    Holy crap! So if this is what happens when you don’t even ovulate, imagine what happens when you DON’T take HBC! EVEN MORE DEAD BABIES!

  31. PeggyLuWho says:

    My dead babies are a cheerful bunch in there, and they’re dancing and singing “It’s a Small World”.

  32. BRUFFED says:

    It’s science y’all.

    I love you!

    I cannot believe this shit. When will the Republicans and extremely religious people learn it’s not a good idea to say stuff like this particularly if you aren’t a damn doctor. Well, even if you are a doctor it can go wrong. Congressman Paul Broun said that evolution and the Big Bang theory are “lies straight from the pit of hell.” Yeah, he’s a practicing physician. He’s still on the House Science Committee too. They are about to investigate the science behind the EPA greenhouse gas regulations.. Dear God. We are fucked.

  33. Scissors says:

    What a creepy concept. That a woman’s uterus is full of ‘dead little babies’. It’s beyond stupid. Might help to explain why some people seem to fear and mystify the female body as if they didn’t come out of a uterus themselves. That guy needs to get his head checked.

  34. Pseudonym says:

    I’m curious whether either the tellers or the listeners actually believe that this story is factually accurate. I think that the faith required for certain strains of fundamentalism that take the entire Bible literally ends up creating a kind of parallel universe in the believer’s mind, one where metaphors and commandments and Bible stories and theology lessons take physical form. I’m not sure if it’s just a kind of shibboleth, in which true believers are identified by their willingness to accept scientifically absurd propositions on faith. I think it’s the kind of proposition that is immune to empirical disproof though. I’m sure there are plenty of actual fundamentalist Christian OB/GYNs who somehow successfully treat actual women and use their accurate scientific knowledge of the mechanisms of hormonal birth control, ovulation, and menstruation in their daily work, yet somehow simultaneously accept this scientifically absurd suggestion. I don’t know if they view it as literally true or just a metaphor, but I don’t understand it.

  35. Alice says:

    I’m a med student and we totes had a class about that! It was right in between the one about how same sex-marriages actually leads to cancer in the entire population and the one called The Medical Risks of Voting for Obama.

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