CBS S&P has got you (adequately) covered.

CBS is will be airing the Grammy Awards this Sunday, and they are very concerned about your buttock crack and your female breast nipples. (Male breasts: You’re in the clear. As usual. Flash ’em if you got ’em.)

In the interest of keeping things covered at what is arguably the nakedest mainstream awards ceremony in the U.S., they’ve issued a wardrobe advisory banning puffy skin, underboob, and AIDS ribbons.

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

While I do appreciate CBS’s desire to keep things family-friendly and relatively un-naked for a Sunday primetime broadcast: Bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. I salute CBS Standards and Practices on sending out the first-ever wardrobe advisory written using a Magnetic Poetry kit, and I hope that when they air the Emmy Awards this fall, they send out a memo reminding John Hamm to strap it down. I mean, seriously, the kids don’t need to see that.

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28 comments for “CBS S&P has got you (adequately) covered.

  1. FashionablyEvil
    February 7, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    female breast nipples

    So, female nipples that are not on the breasts are okay? Got it.

    • February 7, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Third nipples are fair game!

  2. james
    February 7, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    In CBS’s defense, I don’t think all these rules are really of their own invention. The FCC has very strict regulations about what cannot be shown on broadcast stations.

    CBS surely doesn’t want any ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. (They were the station which broadcast Superbowl 38, I believe.)

    If you want to criticize someone for silly regulations, target Washington bureaucrats.

    • Past my expiration date
      February 7, 2013 at 3:00 pm

      If you want to criticize someone for silly regulations, target Washington bureaucrats.

      As a Washington bureaucrat myself (hi!), I would be astonished if a Washington bureaucrat were responsible for regulations including the phrase “bare fleshy under curves”. I’m also reasonably sure (though not absolutely certain) that the FCC does not care about brand names on T-shirts. So please explain to me again why I shouldn’t criticize CBS?

      • james
        February 7, 2013 at 3:20 pm

        I have a feeling that the ‘feminist outrage’ about CBS’s standards have nothing to do with T-shirt logos and everything to do with CBS’s insistence on ‘modesty’ – particularly that female breasts are taboo but male breasts aren’t.

        And no, that isn’t a standard made up by CBS.

        I’m not saying the double standard is right or wrong… just that CBS doesn’t want women showing breasts because Viacom doesn’t want another $3.5M fine.

        Frankly, CBS probably wishes it could allow more suggestive outfits to bring in male Grammy viewers. Isn’t showing softcore female nudity a ratings staple for pretty much every show on HBO?

      • Past my expiration date
        February 7, 2013 at 3:40 pm

        ‘feminist outrage’

        Um, what?

      • Anon21
        February 7, 2013 at 3:42 pm

        I believe this is mere “feminist mockery,” emphasis on the mockery, of CBS’s ridiculous terminology.

  3. Past my expiration date
    February 7, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Since I won’t be on camera at the Grammys anyway, I suppose it doesn’t matter, but: will somebody please explain “visible “puffy” bare skin exposure” to me?

    • james
      February 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      Unless I’m missing something here, I’m taking that as PR speak for:
      “Beyonce, if you’re gonna wear your thong-crotched superbowl outfit again, make sure your labia stay inside.”

    • February 7, 2013 at 4:16 pm

      Since I won’t be on camera at the Grammys anyway, I suppose it doesn’t matter, but: will somebody please explain “visible “puffy” bare skin exposure” to me?

      two words…one being camel…

    • Henry
      February 8, 2013 at 1:46 am

      They really should have just said camel toe. Get with the times CBS. Plus as a lawyer I long for the day when one of my ilk gets paid to write the words “camel toe”.

      I think all the male awardees should go in shirt and jacket-less tuxes a la Chippendales, man boob sporters included, to protest the nipple rule. Dammit our nips are nearly equal!

    • pheenobarbidoll
      February 8, 2013 at 11:58 am

      Sounds more like pubic mound than camel toe. Camel toe is covered flesh, pubic mounds can be exposed if your pants are low enough. And men and women have that area.

      • Ledasmom
        February 8, 2013 at 12:06 pm

        I’m pretty sure it’s not the skin, as such, that is puffy, anyway.
        Also, they specify puffy bare skin exposure, so I assume that puffy hairy skin is just A-OK with them.
        That is to say, CBS seems a tad unclear as to the anatomy of genital regions. If they mean labia, they should say labia. It’s not as if they can claim prudery, having said “buttock crack”.

      • pheenobarbidoll
        February 8, 2013 at 12:15 pm

        A pubic mound is the fatty area that protects the pubic bone, which is why it’s “puffy”. No hair is required for “puffiness” and I’m inclined to think they used puffy to avoid using fatty.

  4. A
    February 7, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    I love how “puffy” is in quotes… as if I’m supposed to understand this innuendo? I can’t really think of any part of my genitals that I would describe as “puffy”…

    • james
      February 7, 2013 at 3:23 pm

      It is cold & flu season… maybe they’re just disgusted by puffy sinuses.
      “No showing sick celeb faces.” :)

    • February 8, 2013 at 1:33 pm

      My thoughts exactly. I think my bits are missing whatever part they were trying to refer to as “puffy”

    • pheenobarbidoll
      February 8, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      Pubic mound. And I think “puffy” was their nicer attempt to say “fatty”.

  5. McMike
    February 7, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    They are not going to concern themselves with global warming or financial injustice? What a shocker !!

  6. Manon
    February 7, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    I read the comments on the news’ page, and I really shouldn’t have… Please, someone tell me that this isn’t representative of the USA’s population.

    • Amelia the Lurker
      February 8, 2013 at 1:47 am


  7. February 7, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    “Foreign language will need to be cleared”

    What is foreign language? Things other than English? What about Spanish? What if you aren’t American, is your mother tongue “foreign”? What if Psy wants to print a bit of his lyrics, does he need to stick to the English part?

    • Amelia the Lurker
      February 8, 2013 at 1:46 am

      I took that to mean that you could use languages that aren’t English, but that a third party would have to vet it first, which is stupid.

    • Henry
      February 8, 2013 at 1:49 am

      They are looking for profanity, or product placements or political comments or really anything they could have charged someone to display or could get fined for displaying.

  8. John
    February 8, 2013 at 7:13 am

    I like it! CBS says if we don’t get our cut you don’t get to have names on your clothes! DORKS! Have the Breast Cancer, AIDS and all that out in front. Maybe that will help save someone instead of being a great big atta-boy event for some overpaid, underworked and total ego people who if they don’t get enough press throw hissy-fits so they get in the press and all of them could be replaced within minutes! And no I will not watch and matter of fact could care less about the entire thing. even if all of them went totally nude.

  9. John
    February 8, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I suppose the issue of men’s nips v women’s nips and why and how we got where we are is for another day. Janet Jackson’s pasty, etc..

    Used to be a time in the early 1900s when sea bathing first became popular and men wore swimsuits not too different from the one-piece cozzies women wear today. Men’s chests have become un-vulgar since then.
    Odd old world.

  10. EmbraceYourInnerCrone
    February 8, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Am I channelling my inner fiveyearold to wish that someone would wear an outfit like the ones worn in the past by Steisand or Cher(maybe Justin Timberlake could do it] I don t remember if those were the Grammies or Oscars. I just have a juvenile wish to see someone give them the virtual finger.

  11. Tyris
    February 9, 2013 at 11:58 am

    We’ve got puffy skin all around the eyes… better cover ’em up!

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