Weekly Open Thread with Epic Tears

Who doesn’t love unhappy movie stars? Teary Tobey Maguire and Tom Hiddleston host our Open Thread this week. Please natter/chatter/vent/rant on anything* you like over this weekend and throughout the week.

Two side by side screencaps (L) Tobey Maguire crying (R) Tom Hiddleston crying

On a scale of Tobey Maguire to Tom Hiddleston, how good do you look while crying?

So, what have you been up to? What would you rather be up to? What’s been awesome/awful?
Reading? Watching? Making? Meeting?
What has [insert awesome inspiration/fave fansquee/guilty pleasure/dastardly ne’er-do-well/threat to all civilised life on the planet du jour] been up to?

* Netiquette footnotes:
* There is no off-topic on the Weekly Open Thread, but consider whether your comment would be on-topic on any recent thread and thus better belongs there.
* If your comment touches on topics known to generally result in thread-jacking, you will be expected to take the discussion to #spillover instead of overshadowing the social/circuit-breaking aspects of this thread.

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About tigtog

tigtog blogs a lot elsewhere, but here on Feministe she mostly does the tech support and feeds the giraffe. tigtog tweets in irregular flurries @vivsmythe.
This entry was posted in Life, Politics, Popular Culture, The Cultural Canon and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

68 Responses to Weekly Open Thread with Epic Tears

  1. Andie says:

    So, this week has been full of up and downs… Okay, neutrals and downs. Got CT results back, no sign that that the cancer has spread to any other organs. So that’s good. On the other hand, I’m looking at a complete colectomy, with bonus iliostomy bag. So that sucks. May be able to have come reconstructive surgery down the road so that’s… Okay, I guess? Word is still out on whether chemo/radiation is on the table. More than likely though, as a preventative measure. Won’t know for sure until after the surgery, which will likely be near the end of the month.

    I’ve had a couple of really bad days, emotionally. Last Tuesday I pretty much cried off and on all day.

    • EG says:

      I’m so sorry, Andie. I don’t blame you for having emotional days. I hope the coming news is better and that your people are there for you when you need comfort.

      • Donna L says:

        I’m sorry, Andie. You’re allowed to be emotional.

        Also, I know an ileostomy bag sounds really unpleasant, but I speak from experience — one does get used to it.

    • Kerandria says:

      I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you, Andie. I wish you the best possible treatment and support as you move though the journey that is cancer.

    • tigtog says:

      Andie, wishing you an even smoother ride with your stoma than the Queen Mum had for all those decades after she had one aged 66. Operative procedures and stoma care have improved a great deal since then. Of course it would be better to not have to have one at all, so I hope the reconstructive surgery pans out.

      Basically, just all my fingers crossed for you.

    • TomSims says:

      I’m extremely sorry to hear of your condition and hope you get the medical help and strong support from your friends and family in your time of need.

  2. pheenobarbidoll says:

    Diabetes. Just what I needed.

    • EG says:

      Goddamn. Commenters are taking it on the chin this week. I’m really sorry, Pheeno. That absolutely sucks.

    • Andie says:

      Shit. I’m sorry to hear that.

    • pheenobarbidoll says:

      Figured it was coming. Mom is, grandmother died at 42 from it ( which now freaks me out at 40) and got really close to having gestational diabetes.

      • TomSims says:

        Sorry to hear of your troubles. I wish you the best and hope you are successful in treating your condition.

    • Librarygoose says:

      That sucks Pheeno.

    • Kerandria says:

      FUCK. I’m so sorry, pheeno — diabetes sucks the big one. Good luck. :(

    • Oh, shit, that sucks, pheeno.

    • tigtog says:

      Pheeno, sorry to hear that. My husband’s been diabetic for a few years now, and I’m probably in line for it sometime soon. It’s crapola.

    • Marksman2010 says:

      You will be okay, pheeno. I’ve been diabetic for 22 years, and I have none of the long-term complications because I’ve always taken care of myself.

      Look at it this way, it’s just another reason for you to manage your health better.

      “Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation.” –Michael Jordan

      • EG says:

        “Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation.” –Michael Jordan

        I gotta say, I hate this attitude. Sometimes bad things happen, and it’s OK to acknowledge that they’re bad and let them be bad. We don’t have to constantly be smile fairies.

      • Marksman2010 says:

        Yeah, that type of attitude will turn the globe for us, won’t it?

        I don’t know what a “smile fairy” is, but I do believe in the power of positive thinking.

      • The whole “always turn a bad into a good” is laden with victim-blaming potential. If you don’t, or can’t, turn a bad situation (which could be anything from an annoyance to something life-threatening) into a good one, you’re likely to be told you’re not really trying, or you’re just being negative, or you’re not helping the world turn, or you’re weak, and so on and so on ad nauseam. It’s way too close to the idea that you have to be bright and happy – a smile fairy – all the time and never be sad, or frightened, or depressed, or anything else (and gods forbid women should ever be angry; that’s just not allowed).

      • EG says:

        I don’t believe in the power of positive thinking. Thoughts are not actually that powerful. Look at Barbara Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided for a great analysis of how such belief is nothing more than victim-blaming magical-thinking that discourages us from fighting for systemic change and locates blame in the individual.

        The globe keeps on turning no matter what we do, so I’m not worried about that.

      • tmc says:

        I think it’s even shittier than usual given what pheeno has explained multiple times regarding the healthcare situation for Native Americans. Racist colonialist victim-blaming. Nicely done.

        I’m very sorry, pheeno. I hope that things turn out as best they can.

      • Donna L says:

        I’ve been dealing with severe Crohn’s Disease for the last 35 years. I see nothing positive about it at all. Nothing good has come from it. I’m allowed to feel that way, and I very much agree that “compulsory” positive thinking has a strong victim-blaming element.

  3. Ally S says:

    A trans* woman I know on campus helped me find this shop, which is very close to where I live (yet far enough for my dad, step-mom, etc. to not know) and affordable. I’m going there this Tuesday to buy a wig, beard shadow cover, and perhaps some makeup and some femme clothes. I’ve talked about going to such stores before and ended up not going, but this time 1) I now know several safe spaces in Santa Cruz where I can present as female 2) I have as much time as I need to try on things in the store and 3) I have more than enough money for all of the stuff.

    If things go well at the boutique, I’m going to head to the LGBT center on campus and attend the trans/queer group. And I’ll present as female for the first time ever there. On the one hand, I’m very excited and I can hardly wait; on the other hand, I really hope that I don’t end up being a nervous wreck at the group due to being worried about judgment and ridicule. Either way, it’ll be very significant for me.

    • EG says:

      That sounds awesome, Ally! Good luck and enjoy yourself!

      Don’t be discouraged if you don’t get the look you want right away. It takes cis girls/women years of practice to get make-up and hair and all those things to line up. Everything gets easier with practice. From what I read, you’re often hard on yourself, and I’m thinking about the first times I tried to do make-up, and I’m not ashamed to say that there were tears before bedtime.

      • pheenobarbidoll says:

        Hell, I still don’t have it together at 40. Just remember in regards to make up: less is more. If you use foundation, check the color match on your jaw line, not your hand. And purchase make up remover, because mascara is difficult to wash off.

      • Seconding that – and get a dark face towel, cos I find even with makeup remover, there’ll be marks from makeup or foundation that’ll show on a pale one.

      • Ally S says:

        Thanks for the reminder about makeup removal, you two! I forgot that I need to have a way to easily get makeup off my face, particularly before heading back home. Given the high chance of hostility from conservative family members who see remnants of makeup on my face, I see that suggestion as pretty much a safety measure.

      • Ally S says:

        Thank you, EG. ^_^ I’m not going to use much makeup if I get it, but I do want to accentuate the color of my cheeks since they have a slightly ‘rosy’ look to them, and if possible I want to use some product that makes my eyebrows look less bushy without actually plucking them. Women are forbidden to do anything to their eyebrows or eyelashes according to their religious beliefs, and of course I’m a “young man” so the backlash would be even worse for me.

        As for the wig, I got one earlier this year and it looks horrible on me. The one I want to get is a long, slightly wavy dark brown wig that frames my face. I don’t know if that will be too hard to find, but I at least want to try.

        And you’re right that I’ll get better at these things with practice, but this will be my first time ever presenting as female, so I really don’t want to mess up.

      • Ally S says:

        “their” refers to my family members*

      • pheenobarbidoll says:

        I think there are YouTube tutorials on how to color and cut your own wig.

      • EG says:

        Try clear brow gel. I hear it tames eyebrows, but it washes right out. You never know, it could work!

      • Ally S says:

        The boutique I’m going to (this Tuesday! Yay!) actually provides services such as washing, trimming, coloring, etc. wigs. So while I certainly have the option to do it myself, I’d rather ask someone at the boutique to do so if possible.

        And I’ll definitely consider clear brow gel!

      • Do you want your lashes to look longer, Ally, or are you happy with them? I’m guessing at present they’re fairly dark and thick, so if length’s not an issue you might not need mascara, which is an uber-nuisance to clean off and the primary stainer of towels, for me.

        You could try false eyelashes, of course, though you’d have to remember to take them off. I never succeeded in making ’em stick on. :P

      • Ally S says:

        Oh, my eyelashes are already very long. Probably the longest among my family members. I have no need to make them look longer. :P

      • I thought they might be!

        Good, that’s less hassle, then, ‘cos it sounds like you might not need mascara at all. Plus, if you’re anything like me, no mascara means less grit to get in your eyes from it OW OW OW.

    • Kerandria says:

      Good luck! I’ve been following the snippets of your life you’ve posted for a while, and I’m so glad that things are lookimg up for you.

    • Andie says:

      This is really, really exciting news! I don’t have much to offer on the makeup front.. Maybe there are online tutorials? But I’m really happy for you, taking this step. :)

  4. Chataya says:

    My little sister is graduating from high school in the spring, and I want to get her something special.

    To any trans* women who feel comfortable answering: What would be a good gift to help her with her transition? Is there anything you wish you had access to at that age? Other than hormones/surgery, which I can’t afford.

    • Ally S says:

      This isn’t really a gift, I guess, but being a supportive and non-judgmental sibling when or if your sister asks for feedback/advice on voice feminization would probably be very much appreciated. If not that, then I strong recommend getting her something that covers beard shadow (if that’s what she needs). Those are things I really wanted when I was 18 (and I still want them, honestly).

    • Donna L says:

      How about some jewelry? Buying jewelry in person can be something that a lot of trans women, no matter their age, find it difficult to do, because they’ve trained themselves for so long to believe they’re not “allowed” to show any interest in such things — so maybe some nice earrings (if her ears are pierced), or a bracelet?

      • Li says:

        About half of the time I buy jewellery I get asked if it’s a present for someone. Even while I’m wearing jewellery already. Fortunately I’ve overcome enough of my internalised gender bullshit that it’s grating rather than shaming now.

        Not on the gift topic but on the shopping topic: When I go shopping for stuff like makeup or tights or other “women’s” things I really appreciate having a support person, especially someone who’s socially authorised to browse/buy the kind of stuff I want, go with me just so I have a bit of cover. That might be something you could offer to do.

        (note: I’m not a trans* woman but I’ve done a bunch of shopping in women’s stores while presenting as a man)

      • tigtog says:

        As a datapoint, as a cis-woman who’s never been read otherwise and always wearing at least some jewellery, I nearly always get asked whether jewellery I buy is a present for someone, because most jewellery stores offer free gift wrapping and they just want to know whether I want to use that part of their service (and probably about half the time I do – earrings and bracelet-charms are fairly standard gifts for my friends and family). Obviously there’s ways to ask and *ways* to ask, and I’m very aware of my privilege here, but I’d never considered that as possibly a gender-shaming question.

      • Li says:

        The kinds of jewellery stores I am going to are places like Diva where the jewellery is cheap enough they generally don’t gift wrap it for you.

      • tigtog says:

        It astonishes me how often what should be a simple transaction becomes freighted with all this norm-policing that folks like me don’t generally realise is even happening, because it flies below our privilege-radar. I’m sorry and disheartened and disgusted to know now of yet another example.

      • Donna L says:

        The first time I ever had the courage to buy jewelry in person, by myself, was in 2006, when I bought a bracelet in a jewelry store in Cape May (I was there with my son on vacation, about a year after my transition). It probably took me half an hour to get up the nerve to ask to see it, and then had a near-panic attack because I had trouble fastening it (being a left-handed person trying to fasten it on my left wrist with my right hand), and assumed that would mean that the sales woman helping me would “know.”

        It’s embarrassing to admit, but I still get nervous in places like that unless I’m with a friend — not because I think anybody is going to divine my history, which thank God hasn’t happened in forever, but because I worry that I’ll make a bad choice, and get very anxious. Same thing with places that sell makeup, like Sephora. (Which is why I still wear only the exact same kind of lipstick my then-partner first bought for me in about 2004. If it’s ever discontinued, I don’t know what I’ll do!)

  5. Donna L says:

    Tigtog, just out of curiosity, someone on another website is crediting you with inventing the term “TERF” (for trans-exclusionary radical feminist) about five years ago. Is that true? I thought the term had been around longer than that, but maybe not.

  6. Chataya says:

    Anyone else getting Pokemon X or Y? We should swap friend codes.

    • Kerandria says:

      I’ve thought about it, but I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to devote to playing before June of next year. :'( Sorry, Chataya! If you like (and feel okay about it), you can email me your code; knowing that a cool person would be around in the pokespace definitely makes playing more enticing. My email is this username @ gmail dot com <3

    • shfree says:

      Ooooh, so there is an online thing to play with friends for it. No wonder why my daughter asked if she could go to Gamestop while I was at work and get it TODAY.

  7. This week’s been good for me. I managed to catch up with my family. I haven’t seen my parents for quite some time. It is good to see them in excellent health.

    I tried watching the Steel Man, but it is just not right. I don’t know. I like it, but I couldn’t watch it to the end. So I just kind of let go.

    Overall, I like my week. I hope my next week is as good as this one or better.

  8. I just had a lovely couple of days. Saturday, went up Brunswick St (think popular-scruffy-artsy). It’s the first time in ages I’ve felt up to doing a shopping expedition; the compression bandage I’m wearing on my busted knee is helping more than any of the exercises or osteopath treatments ever did. I wanted to wear my Aston Coat out on a warm day (25C) to see if it would be too warm. It wasn’t: the knit’s tight enough to keep the sun off and loose enough to let the breeze through. so wearing it over short sleeves was comfortable.

    I was after a brooch to pin it closed, and found the cutest green cat one. I also found a gorgeous pair of multi-patterned tights, a little purse, and a cat-faced coat hanger. Big spend, but a lovely day, and Louis was with me all the time, of course, looking lovely in his white tee shirt and jeans.

    I’ve also managed to upload the pattern for my coat to Ravelry, and eighteen people have “liked” it, and some are going to knit one for themselves – talk about an ego boost. :)

    Then, last night, Louis wrote a diary entry on my blog about our day out and stuff. It’s ages since we wrote together (ie. channelled writing). I do hope this means my god-these-knees-are-pests issues are dying down and I’ll have more energy to turn to contacting him again. It’s not like he’s not around, but I can’t tune in properly when I’m sick or just tired out (or, tbh, distracted by knitting!).

  9. Kerandria says:


    This is one of the funniest, most truthful webcomics I’ve read in a while. This particular comic brings the ‘But srsly, what about teh menz!eleventy!’ meme to life.

  10. Bonnie says:

    I read Elenor and Park by Rainbow Rowell in one sitting. It was too good to put down. I have not read anything so beautiful in quite a while.

  11. EG says:

    Students who watch the movie instead of reading the book, and then write a paper on that “book” and think they won’t get caught are fooling nobody but themselves.

    This has been a public service message brought to you by a professor who was not born yesterday.

    • moviemaedchen says:

      Oh, yes. I love (so do not love) it when they pull that trick and then act aggrieved when you call them on it.

  12. pheenobarbidoll says:

    So, today this happened:http://aptn.ca/pages/news/2013/10/17/rcmp-officers-enforce-injunction-against-mikmaq-led-anti-fracking-blockade/ They showed up in swat, with dogs barking at children and elders. A friend on Facebook posted a video of a sniper with his scope on her yelling at her to put down the gun even though she had no gun, just a cellphone. I honestly thought she was going to be shot. She was beaten and jailed. For protecting their drinking water.

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