Author: has written 206 posts for this blog.

tigtog blogs a lot elsewhere, but here on Feministe she mostly does the tech support and feeds the giraffe. tigtog tweets in irregular flurries @vivsmythe.
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57 Responses

  1. TomSims
    TomSims December 21, 2013 at 10:26 am |

    What a great video. Thanks for sharing tigtog.

  2. Ally S
    Ally S December 21, 2013 at 3:39 pm |

    [Content note: suicide, emotional abuse]

    I failed my programming class (which I might be able to formally contest because I got the grade for bullshit reasons) and got a D in my vector calculus class. I am now likely to go on academic probation because of my low grades, and I’m listed as “subject to disqualification” on my student portal. No one else in my family knows about my low grades. They think I got all ‘A’s.

    I’m struggling to tell myself that it wasn’t really my fault and that my grades don’t determine my worth. But no matter what I tell myself, I can’t help hating myself for sinking this low and letting everyone down. I wonder how severe their reaction will be once they learn the truth. I’m sure my dad won’t hesitate to scream at me and call me lazy and ungrateful. And he’s going to tell me all about how I’m ruining his reputation in the family. He might even disown me.

    Thinking about all of this is starting to make me feel physically ill. I’ve also been feeling suicidal, but fortunately those feelings are going away. I’m grateful that I have at least a few things in my mind that are keeping me together and not completely hopeless.

    1. macavitykitsune
      macavitykitsune December 21, 2013 at 3:55 pm |

      I’m sure my dad won’t hesitate to scream at me and call me lazy and ungrateful. And he’s going to tell me all about how I’m ruining his reputation in the family. He might even disown me.

      Ally, I hate to be mercenary and manipulative about this situation, but this actually strikes me as an opportunity to get out from under your dad’s thumb on “his” terms, so to speak. Is it possible that you could engineer/exploit this sort of “disowning” to sever contact with him entirely? It leaves him feeling that he is Rightfully Ragey and you are Properly Being Taught a Lesson and all that, which makes him far less likely to try and contact you than if you left his house of your own accord. He is exactly the kind of self-righteous douchenozzle who’d do such a thing AFAICT.

      Also, flunking this term? Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s horrible, I know it fucking SUCKS, but right now, you need to think of yourself as struggling with the disability of being forced into a closet, with all the attendant anxiety, depression, dysphoria, etc. You wouldn’t call me lazy or stupid or worthless if I walked into this thread and announced that I’d flunked all my classes; you’d assume that I was under physical and mental stress from my disabilities that I couldn’t cope with while also doing well at school. So please, Ally, do yourself the same favour, okay? (And I know whereof I speak on this, having gloriously gloriously flunked my A levels once.)

      1. macavitykitsune
        macavitykitsune December 21, 2013 at 3:56 pm |

        Ugh too soon post.

        Anyway, tl;dr I failed like whoa because I was in so much pain from writing that my brain was pretty much addled. I know what it’s like to fail utterly at academics for reasons that have nothing to do with smarts or hard work or anything other than shitty luck. It is not insurmountable, and it is not permanent.

        Please take care of yourself.

      2. trees
        trees December 21, 2013 at 4:47 pm |

        …this actually strikes me as an opportunity to get out from under your dad’s thumb on “his” terms, so to speak.

        I thought the very same.

        @Ally S

        Is your school (deans and instructors) aware of all that you are dealing with right now? Maybe you could be offered an Incomplete in a couple of your courses, with the opportunity to bring up your grades.

        1. Ally S
          Ally S December 23, 2013 at 3:41 am |

          I’m not sure if that’s possible, but thanks for the idea anyway. :>

        2. macavitykitsune
          macavitykitsune December 23, 2013 at 3:58 am |

          Ally, have you tried going through Disability Services/Learning Support Services/wev they have there for this? LSS did wonders for me in my first year when I was losing it and they definitely give accommodations and exemptions for mentally ill people/people having a nervous breakdown/etc. You definitely qualify as the second, possibly the first depending on how capable the campus psych is at diagnosing dysphoria etc. I’ve not been able to find much info on that since there’s only so far enquiries from non-trans-folk go, but…. it’s a possibility and not as remote as it might seem.

      3. Fat Steve
        Fat Steve December 22, 2013 at 7:26 pm |

        Ally, I hate to be mercenary and manipulative about this situation, but this actually strikes me as an opportunity to get out from under your dad’s thumb on “his” terms, so to speak. Is it possible that you could engineer/exploit this sort of “disowning” to sever contact with him entirely? It leaves him feeling that he is Rightfully Ragey and you are Properly Being Taught a Lesson and all that, which makes him far less likely to try and contact you than if you left his house of your own accord. He is exactly the kind of self-righteous douchenozzle who’d do such a thing AFAICT.

        Also, flunking this term? Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s horrible, I know it fucking SUCKS, but right now, you need to think of yourself as struggling with the disability of being forced into a closet, with all the attendant anxiety, depression, dysphoria, etc. You wouldn’t call me lazy or stupid or worthless if I walked into this thread and announced that I’d flunked all my classes; you’d assume that I was under physical and mental stress from my disabilities that I couldn’t cope with while also doing well at school. So please, Ally, do yourself the same favour, okay? (And I know whereof I speak on this, having gloriously gloriously flunked my A levels once.)

        Ally, I have been thinking the exact same thing with each of your successive posts. I would never have suggested it because I’m constantly making the wrong decisions, but mac seems a lot more sensible than me.

      4. Ally S
        Ally S December 23, 2013 at 3:39 am |

        Is it possible that you could engineer/exploit this sort of “disowning” to sever contact with him entirely?

        Technically, yes, but I’m very afraid of confronting him face-to-face about my grades. His emotional abuse is very hard for me to recover from. It’s his most pernicious form of abuse. Perhaps it could be easier for me if I leave and then tell him the truth via some kind of email or whatever. But really, I’m not entirely sure what to do. Sometimes I even wish for the best case scenario in which my dad actually comes to accept me for who I am, and so if I try to cut off contact for good it might preclude all possibilities of improving my relationship with him. I know that might sound strange since I genuinely hate him, but I certainly don’t want to hate him. I strive for win-win situations.

        And I’m glad to hear that my academic future isn’t completely hopeless. It’s going to be hard to deal with the shaming and contempt from the family for flunking a term, but it won’t stop me from wanting to finish my degree. (BTW, if someone other than my conservative family members start funding me, I might be able to change my major to something like gender studies! ^_^)

        1. macavitykitsune
          macavitykitsune December 23, 2013 at 3:55 am |

          Perhaps it could be easier for me if I leave and then tell him the truth via some kind of email or whatever.

          That’s certainly a possibility, but it seems to me that it might leave the possibility open of your father deciding to play the Gracious Redeemer and imposing all sorts of conditions on you (I recall that your family has abused you by forcing you to study, before?). Take a view on it.

          Honestly, if you want to repair your relationship wtih your father, a (temporary) break might be the best thing. My parents and I decided together to take a “break” of a few weeks when I came out to them, and it did wonders for our ability to interact like rational adults when we did start talking again. Seeing you as an “adult” (quotemarks because you already are ffs) after an absence might actually make him more likely to not treat you like a child – like his child, upon whom he has rights, other such patriarchal shit, etc etc.

        2. Ally S
          Ally S December 23, 2013 at 4:29 am |

          That’s certainly a possibility, but it seems to me that it might leave the possibility open of your father deciding to play the Gracious Redeemer and imposing all sorts of conditions on you (I recall that your family has abused you by forcing you to study, before?). Take a view on it.

          At this time I can’t think of many conditions he’d try to impose on me, although he might try to do something shitty to my loved ones in order to manipulate me. I’m not sure how likely that is.

          Honestly, if you want to repair your relationship wtih your father, a (temporary) break might be the best thing. My parents and I decided together to take a “break” of a few weeks when I came out to them, and it did wonders for our ability to interact like rational adults when we did start talking again. Seeing you as an “adult” (quotemarks because you already are ffs) after an absence might actually make him more likely to not treat you like a child – like his child, upon whom he has rights, other such patriarchal shit, etc etc.

          That makes sense. I’ve noticed that I get on better terms with him sometimes if I avoid interacting with him for a while. I know those are relatively short periods, but it does hint at the possibility of a temporary break helping our relationship even after coming out to him.

    2. anna_k
      anna_k December 21, 2013 at 5:28 pm |

      Hey Ally S,

      Just writing to co-sign what macavitykitsune has said. Also, just know that this:

      I’m struggling to tell myself that it wasn’t really my fault and that my grades don’t determine my worth. But no matter what I tell myself, I can’t help hating myself for sinking this low and letting everyone down.

      struck such a chord with me, because that is exactly how I used to feel at my undergrad grades – back when I was living with unaddressed PTSD. As macavitykitsune said, it isn’t lazy, stupid or worthless. And it’s so hard, because when you’re at uni the environment encourages you and your peers to measure yourself by that standard above any other. I felt the blow of plenty of “oh so-and-so’s pretty stupid, s/he got x grade last year”-type comments in my time, not to mention the constant mental kicking I gave myself for “failing” an impossible task.

      As pure anecdata, in case it’s any encouragement, now that I am in treatment, all the ideas I had of my extreme latent stupidity (for which read: massive mental health issues) are being disproved in a wonderful way by my current academic output. I didn’t know it would happen and I still can’t quite believe it, but there it is.

      Just know that, as a long-term lurker on this site, I’ve long thought of you from your comments as intelligent, thoughtful, and original in your thinking, not to mention kind, and dealing with so much more in your life than most uni students are when they’re working on getting their grades. I hope that, even though getting low grades does feel terrible in the moment, you can tell yourself and believe that it doesn’t lower your worth, and you haven’t let anyone down (including yourself). Hope I don’t sound preachy – I just so was in a similar boat in my undergrad years, and wanted to offer some encouraging words.

      1. macavitykitsune
        macavitykitsune December 21, 2013 at 8:07 pm |

        Holy hell. Undergrad with PTSD? All the hugs for past-you. I can’t even imagine.

      2. Tyris
        Tyris December 22, 2013 at 1:58 pm |

        Stent here. If you swap out some of the pronouns and change PTSD for multiplicity, you pretty much have the story of my birth.

        Without going into enough detail that it could be linked back to the legal identity of our dead predecessor: the other two were simultaneously struggling with an undergraduate degree, struggling to come to terms with the implications of each others’ existence, and struggling to present the face of a mentally sound singlet to the world at large. Then I showed up to deliver some good mental kickings and… it didn’t turn out so well. Fortunately the point of failure was the degree and not the other two things.

        It took a while after that to disentangle the concept of academic success from the concept of worth (TBH I sometimes suspect Cortle still hasn’t managed it), but we did improve.

    3. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
      The Kittehs' Unpaid Help December 22, 2013 at 6:47 pm |

      Ally, YES to mac’s suggestion. You’ll be out of there soon anyway; it’d be great to use the parental unit’s assholery for your benefit.

    1. birdie
      birdie December 22, 2013 at 3:21 pm |

      Yeah, I’m on one of those sites (which would be illegal in my country, I think). I get harassed constantly and the police do nothing because some misogynist convinced them that I’m a paranoid psychopath (I do have serious mental problems, so I can’t escape the ‘diagnosis’). And I all alone and living in poverty (malnourished) with no hope of escape. Vision of hell, anyone?

  3. Andie
    Andie December 22, 2013 at 10:38 am |

    To any readers that are being affected by the ice storm that is currently effing things up from the GTA to the Atlantic, i hope you are safe and warm and with power. Round two is apparently coming tonight, and although it looks like it will just barely miss my area, I don’t mind saying I am scared shitless.

    1. Fat Steve
      Fat Steve December 22, 2013 at 11:53 am |

      Confession of ignorance: What is GTA? I swear I googled it, but as you can imagine all the results are video game related.

      The house we’re renting this Christmas (lazily typing this on a 9 hr train ride to Niagara Falls,) is in Grand Island (across the Niagara river fem Fort Erie. Should I bother searching about this storm or are we out of the harsh zone?

      P.S. I know you’re not a professional meteorologist so the advice is much appreciated.

      1. Kitty
        Kitty December 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm |

        To me, GTA = Greater Toronto Area.

        1. Andie
          Andie December 22, 2013 at 1:08 pm |

          Yes, that’s where I was referring. Sorry about that.

    2. Andie
      Andie December 22, 2013 at 10:54 pm |

      Steve, judging from what I can find online, I think the worst of it is over. Temps are dropping over the next day or two so while the snow might still be an issue, the freezing rain should let up.

    3. debbie
      debbie December 23, 2013 at 12:27 am |

      We have power in my part of T.O., but I know lots of people without (including my grandmother). Lots of trees down.

    4. Niall
      Niall December 23, 2013 at 11:32 am |

      I’m sorry to hear to this Andie and I can only hope it won’t be as bad as everyone is predicting. As for myself, I consider myself pretty fortunate since in my part of the GTA, (Scarborough) about half of the residences and buildings were without power the last two days; and my place is one of the few parts that still has it. I know that could change at any time over the next few days though. But it’s been so icy outside that I haven’t been able to leave the house and feel I’m coming down with a bad case of cabin fever. But for the sake of you and everyone else who is more affected, I hope it doesn’t last too much longer.

      1. Andie
        Andie December 23, 2013 at 6:53 pm |

        I’m north of Barrie, so we only got a bit of the ice and no outages. So far any friends I’ve talked to are okay. Still lots of people without hydro. I’m glad you still have power, Niall.

        1. Fat Steve
          Fat Steve December 25, 2013 at 12:19 am |

          The weather didn’t affect my travel but it massively fucked my Christmas dinner. I had a NY Strip Roast being delivered from a family farm in California. Was scheduled to show up on Xmas Eve. Not gonna be here tip boxing day. Luckily I found out before Tops (local grocery store) closed. Hopefully the roast I got there (literally at 10% of the price,) will be decent (though there’s no chance it’s hormone free.) On the plus size I got my $300 refunded from Heritage Foods and I get to keep the roast when it arrives on the 26th. Plus they said they’re sending me a bunch of coupons by way of apology.

          Having said all that, diligent readers may remember that last year my father-in-law was going through chemo and Christmas almost didn’t happen for him. A year later and everyone’s health seems great, so that’s all we can ask for.

        2. Andie
          Andie December 25, 2013 at 9:08 am |

          Glad to hear your father in law in doing better. Between myself and my Nanny’s fall this year, I’m feeling pretty thankful for good health.

        3. Fat Steve
          Fat Steve December 25, 2013 at 10:13 am |

          Glad to hear your father in law in doing better. Between myself and my Nanny’s fall this year, I’m feeling pretty thankful for good health.

          Hooray for good health!!!!

          By the way, is hunting on Boxing Day a Canadian tradition? When we’ve been renting Xmas houses in Niagara on the Lake, we get woken up by huge explosive booms, now we’re across the river from Canada but it’s well within sight, so should we brace ourselves? Or is it just a Niagara on The Lake thing?

          P.S. Sorry Andie for making you the unofficial spokesperson for Ontario, but better you than Rob Ford…

        4. Andie
          Andie December 25, 2013 at 10:20 am |

          Honestly, I have no idea about the hunting thing. Usually Boxing Day is a Black Friday type day, so everyone can take their shit back and get what they really wanted. Or a “hide away from people and eat turkey leftovers day”

  4. Andie
    Andie December 22, 2013 at 4:15 pm |

    http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/hydro-crews-working-to-restore-power-in-toronto-after-catastrophic-ice-storm-1.1604256

    250,000 people are without power in Toronto and Ford is refusing to call a state of emergency. Calling a state of emergency would transfer power to the deputy mayor. This guy is fucking unreal.

    1. macavitykitsune
      macavitykitsune December 22, 2013 at 4:31 pm |

      There’s something divine about his douchebaggery.

      1. Niall
        Niall December 23, 2013 at 11:44 am |

        What a godamned fuckstick that guy is. Although almost nothing he says or does surprises me anymore.

        That aside though, I was under the impression that Ford is now mayor in name only and that his powers have been transferred to the deputy mayor?

        Quick google search and I just found out that premier Kathleen Wynne is ignoring him and going to straight to the DM to declare a state of emergency. Smart move.

  5. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
    The Kittehs' Unpaid Help December 22, 2013 at 6:40 pm |

    My current knitting project’s coming along well so far. It’s a jacket in a simple cable stitch, but knitted in pieces so that when I sew it up, the fronts and yoke will be horizontal, and the back and upper fronts (the yoke goes over the shoulders, so the seams are in front) are vertical. It’s essentially the same shape as the Aston jacket, but nowhere near as long. (Or at least, it’s not meant to be … we’ll see how much it drops!) It’s a soft cocoa-ish fawn, nice soft synthetic yarn, and I found some gorgeous painted wood buttons for it (at four bucks each! Ouch). The lower back – the biggest section – and the first lower front are done, and now it’s time to do the second, with buttonholes. Fingers crossed I’ve got the technique worked out for that! It just came to me today to make patch pockets for it, too; apart from the practicality of having pockets, they’ll add interest to the front, and I have enough buttons to put one on each.

    I was calling it the Aston Monochrome on Ravelry, but I think I’ll call it the Fribbie Coat instead. Little Fribs is very keen to help me knit it (ie. by sitting on it and showing how well it matches her fur) and it’ll be nice to have something named for her, since she’s 18, has hyperthyroidism, and probably won’t be with us on this side of the veil much longer.

    In other news, some people have No. Shame. about borrowing clothes. I bought a lovely teeshirt a few months ago when I was staying with my sister in Queensland. I’ve haven’t worn it very often – it hasn’t been the weather for it – but no prizes for guessing who decided it’d suit him nicely.

    And, of course, it does. My clothes always seem to look better on himrarghargle.

    1. kittehserf
      kittehserf December 23, 2013 at 2:03 pm |

      Update: the buttonholes are all done, without difficulty once I’d figured out which way everything had to face and counting the stitches! :)

  6. macavitykitsune
    macavitykitsune December 23, 2013 at 1:14 am |

    Question for future reference:

    If I want to donate non-food-products to shelters etc what is the easiest way to ensure it doesn’t wind up at some creepy homophobic/religion-pushing organisation, short of actually going to individual shelters and scoping them out? (I am thinking of things like lotion, tampons, pads, soaps etc., because it seems to me that there would be a need for those things, but I can’t figure out where to donate, and I certainly don’t want resources being actively directed away from LGBT people or towards pews rather than people.)

    1. Fat Steve
      Fat Steve December 24, 2013 at 1:09 am |

      Caveat: I have not used the canadian or USian ethical charity group, but my mom has.

    2. Hugh
      Hugh December 24, 2013 at 8:23 am |

      I can’t help you finding somewhere, but where I’m from, tampons and pads are something that shelters are almost always in very short supply of, so they would probably be very grateful to recieve your donation!

    3. CaitlinH
      CaitlinH December 25, 2013 at 6:20 pm |

      Google LGBT-friendly shelters; when I’ve searched for a similar thing in the past I found that there were several internet guides out there aimed at LGBT people who need to go to a shelter. You will probably find resources based on personal experience and/or research by actual LGBT people, not just a list of shelters that proclaim themselves LGBT-friendly (which could well include “love the sinner, hate the sin”-type places that are actually super homophobic).

    4. macavitykitsune
      macavitykitsune December 27, 2013 at 6:19 pm |

      Thanks, everyone! I’ll keep that in mind ^__^

  7. Ally S
    Ally S December 23, 2013 at 2:49 am |

    When I was 15, I knew this one girl who seemed to hate my guts. She was very judgmental and generally showed strong contempt for me. It’s been 4 years, and now she started talking to me again. I came out to her, and she is almost like a different person – she is one of the nicest people I’ve ever come out to. She is very supportive and no longer seems dismissive or scornful towards me. It really made me feel a lot better to see that she no longer hates me and is even trans-supportive. :>

    1. Fat Steve
      Fat Steve December 23, 2013 at 9:37 pm |

      Very cool. It’s so hard to let people back into your life when trust has been damaged.

  8. Emma
    Emma December 23, 2013 at 6:03 am |

    I’m mostly a lurker here, so I hope it’s ok to write some stuff. A very close friend of mine is relocating from Australia to the US – she left last night. It’s an amazing career advancement for her, but a crushing loss nonetheless. We haven’t even known each other a particularly long time, but we just connected instantly and intensely. We plan to keep in touch via skype and email and so forth, and I’m going to be saving like crazy to visit her, but my god, it HURTS. I don’t quite know why she means so much to me, but she does.

    /Sorry.

    1. kittehserf
      kittehserf December 23, 2013 at 2:01 pm |

      Hugs if you want them from a fellow Aussie, Emma. It’s bad enough having all one’s friends living OS anyway, but having someone move away – that sucks majorly.

      1. Emma
        Emma December 23, 2013 at 5:29 pm |

        Many thanks for the hugs and kindness, kittehserf. <3

      2. kittehserf
        kittehserf December 24, 2013 at 3:17 am |

        You’re welcome, Emma! :)

    1. trees
      trees December 25, 2013 at 9:01 am |

      Thank you for posting this. I had no idea of the scope of the crime, that there were some many victims.

  9. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
    The Kittehs' Unpaid Help December 26, 2013 at 7:30 pm |

    I had a very peaceful Christmas and Boxing Day. Mum and I haven’t bothered about doing more than give each other a card for years, so it was just like a weekend. The weather wasn’t too hot, I got some knitting done and Fribbie had the pleasure of alternating between laps.

  10. trees
    trees December 27, 2013 at 6:05 pm |

    #stopblamingwhitewomenweneedunity is a thing on twitter. Trudy at gradient lair talks about it in this post: Requiring Accountability For Racism and White Supremacy Is Not “Bashing” White Feminists

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