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tigtog blogs a lot elsewhere, but here on Feministe she mostly does the tech support and feeds the giraffe. tigtog tweets in irregular flurries @vivsmythe.
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18 Responses

  1. trans_commie
    trans_commie March 21, 2014 at 7:43 pm |

    [Content note: dysphoria]

    Summary of last two weeks: dysphoria blues. X_X

    I hate hearing my voice so much these days that I am trying to minimize speaking as much as possible. I feel like I can’t even express myself completely because I already feel inauthentic and artificial. I can accurately explain things about myself to my therapist, of course, but that’s all.

    1. trans_commie
      trans_commie March 22, 2014 at 1:18 am |

      [Content note: self-hatred, dysphoria]

      To elaborate on the last part: I feel like it’s wrong for me to express my emotions openly and completely because such expression is only through an artificial, inauthentic version of myself. I’m afraid of crying because I have a deep voice, and I can’t help but think that I merely sound like an “overly-emotional man” when I cry. I can’t express love for others without reminding myself that my body is nothing like how I want it to be.

      Never have I been so desperate to transition. I am now among those trans women who are terrified of the possibility that I’ll never be able to be happy with my body. I keep thinking about how my nose is like this, my legs are like that, etc. I feel nothing short of “disgusting”, “ugly”, “fake”, “worthless”, etc. – the words I frequently use to describe myself.

      Fortunately, even though I hate almost every single part of my body, at least my hair has become longer and healthier over the past month or so. It goes midway down my face now, and it’s got a nice shine to it as well. I still tend to see myself as less than human, but it’s nice to have even a tiny self-esteem boost…

      1. Hrovitnir
        Hrovitnir March 23, 2014 at 2:55 am |

        :( I’m sorry you’re in such a bad space. I wish I could actually help. You’re such an awesome person. You have such beautiful hair, I’m sure it will make a big difference as it grows.

        I hope your therapist can be helpful with these feelings and you can achieve your goals as quickly as possible.

        *hugs if you want them*

      2. emily
        emily March 23, 2014 at 4:54 am |

        I really hope this this isn’t not at all helpful (or worse, offensive), but as a straight cis female, I think women with deep voices are sexy. Just, if that’s worth anything I guess. I know very little about transitioning, so maybe I should just shut up. But I have been reading your posts and been moved by them and wanted to do what I could to show support. Good luck and congratulations on your hair.

        1. trans_commie
          trans_commie March 23, 2014 at 9:33 am |

          Oh, I don’t mind having a deep voice – so long as it’s noticeably feminine. In fact, that’s the kind of voice I’ve been aiming for. The higher pitched the better, but I’m content with at least having a deep voice that doesn’t make me feel dysphoric.

          You certainly haven’t offended me, but please note that things like “I find women with deep voices attractive” generally aren’t appropriate to say to many trans women. Some trans women like hearing such things because they’re validating, but some see it instead as a cis person’s attempt to center their preferences for no good reason. Such trans women would rather hear “I hate that we live in a society in which having a certain voice gets you misgendered” than “I’m attracted to women with deep voices.”

          So unless it’s a trans woman who you know well as someone who likes to hear about your preferences, it’s safest to just not say such things. For extra background, I recommend you read this old Feministe post. It’s aimed at men, but it has relevant commentary.

        2. emily
          emily March 23, 2014 at 2:57 pm |

          Well, thank you for taking it in the spirit in which it was meant. And thanks for the link.

  2. kittehserf
    kittehserf March 24, 2014 at 4:39 am |

    Someone emailed me pics of those horse sculptures a while back. They’re beautiful but somehow sinister as well, I think, almost like they’re anatomical models.

    No news here, except I’ve two weeks left at work after being retrenched, and I already feel like I’m visiting the place rather than belonging there, and, apart from how tight money’s going to be (I’ll be on less than half my wage, on Newstart) I’m rather looking forward to a REST. I got four weeks’ annual leave in that job, but haven’t been able to take more than two weeks maximum for years, because we’ve been so short-staffed.

    Nice surprise today: my tabby leggings arrived, and, amazingly enough, they FIT. Now to flash ‘em at work!

    1. kittehserf
      kittehserf March 25, 2014 at 5:06 am |

      Great comment while wearing The Leggings this morning:

      Me: I bought leggings over the internet and they fit!

      Barista: That just doesn’t happen.

      :)

  3. trees
    trees March 26, 2014 at 12:59 pm |

    Ugh.
    Madonna to Direct Interracial Romance ‘Ade: A Love Story’
    It’s a film adaptation of Rebecca Walker’s novel. I remember reading about her questioning her mother’s decision to work with Spielberg in the adaptation of The Color Purple.

    1. pheenobarbidoll
      pheenobarbidoll March 26, 2014 at 5:35 pm |

      Gawd.

    2. Donna L
      Donna L March 26, 2014 at 5:56 pm |

      I shudder to think. The last movie she made was that disastrous bomb W.E., her love letter to those lovely Nazi sympathizers and notorious racists Wallis Simpson and the Duke of Windsor

      1. EG
        EG March 26, 2014 at 6:31 pm |

        Every time the trailer to that came on in a theater I was in–and it seemed like it came on every damn time I went to the movies, and I don’t go that often–I would start booing and hissing “Nazi, Nazi.”

        1. Donna L
          Donna L March 26, 2014 at 7:10 pm |

          Me too!

  4. trans_commie
    trans_commie March 28, 2014 at 1:12 am |

    Guess who was told today by her therapist that she is willing to write me a letter of recommendation for HRT prescriptions?

    This girl.

    1. Donna L
      Donna L March 28, 2014 at 1:19 am |

      That’s wonderful news. How very exciting. I remember what I felt like when I realized that I would be starting to do that soon, after having wanted to for so long.

      1. trans_commie
        trans_commie March 28, 2014 at 1:26 am |

        It is! I mean, don’t get me wrong – I still have plenty of hoops to jump through before I can finally start transitioning without anyone trying stop me. It’s just that I’ve finally made a significant step towards undergoing HRT. Even when I get the letter, I won’t be able to get prescriptions right afterwards. But regardless, having an actual letter of recommendation will make things so much easier for me in the future.

    2. EG
      EG March 28, 2014 at 8:11 am |

      That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you, Ally. And I never stop being impressed with how despite the obstacles in your way, you steadily move forward with your life towards happiness. You are truly one of the most resilient people I have known, and please believe me when I say that I have known some resilient people.

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