Bill Cosby plans to hold town halls about sexual assault… accusations

Bill Cosby with spokespeople Andrew Wyatt and Ebonee Benson leaving court

See that? Just pointing at a woman will get you accused of sexual assault. (Photo credit EPA)

[Content note for sexual assault]

New from the “Fox to Hold Town Halls About Henhouse Security” Department: Bill Cosby, recent recipient of a mistrial in the sexual assault case against him (prosecutors intend to retry), plans to host a series of town halls about not committing sexual assault. Hahaha, no, the town halls will be about sexual assault and the legal system, or specifically not being the victim of lying bitches accusing you of sexual assault.

Andrew Wyatt and Ebonee Benson, spokespeople for Bill and Camille Cosby respectively, told Birmingham’s Good Day Alabama that Bill wants to help people, particularly young athletes, “know what they’re facing when they’re hanging out and partying.”

ANDREW WYATT. I think we move on. Mr. Cosby wants to get back to work. We are now planning town halls, and we’re going to be coming to this city some time in July.

HOST. Really? Like a town hall, just talk with people?

WYAYY. Talk to young people. Because this is bigger than Bill Cosby. You know, this issue can affect any young person, especially young athletes of today. And they need to know what they’re facing when they’re hanging out and partying, when they’re doing certain things that they shouldn’t be doing. And it also affects, you know, married men.

HOST. Is it kind of a “do what I say, not what I do” situation?

EBONEE BENSON. Laws are changing. The statute of limitations for victims of sexual assault are being extended. So this is why people need to be educated on a brush against the shoulder, you know, anything at this point can be considered sexual assault, and it’s very — it’s a good thing to be educated about the laws.

Yeah, like, when you give a woman Quaaludes for the purpose of brushing against her shoulder and she’s all, “Rape! He raped me!” Those 59 women who accused him of rape, drug-facilitated sexual assault, sexual battery, child sexual assault, and other sexual misconduct were all just freaking out because of a shoulder brush, and young athletes and married men should know that it could happen to them!!!! Coming this summer to a city near you.

Watch out when you’re partying, fellas. You never know when you’ll be out partying and innocently drug a woman and (allegedly) finger her against her will and she’ll get all pissed off about it and then you’re in court. Ruin your damn life. Bitches, man, amiright?

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