Tag Archives: boundary-setting

How not to be a creep

A lot of dudes really flip out in response to the term “creep.” It’s so UNFAIR to call them creeps! The word “creep” is ableist because there are dudes on the autism spectrum who have difficulty socializing and reading social cues and they can’t help being creepy! Etc etc. The take-away seems to be that women just need to tolerate creepy dudes because feeling like your personal safety is being consistently threatened (and running the risk of being told “Well why didn’t you DO something about that creep sooner?” if your personal safety is actually violated) is a small price to pay in the service of not making one dude feel kinda sad. Which is why I really appreciate when dudes who maybe do have problems reading social cues are told they’re being creepy and instead of getting mad at the person telling them that fact, they take steps to change their behavior. Like Ben here, who is interviewed over at the Hairpin in an excellent piece, and who seems like a really interesting and lovely person: Continue reading

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , | 493 Comments

And just when you thought the Good Men Project couldn’t get any worse…

They put up this piece by a self-identified rapist, saying that he would rather keep partying and raping than take responsibility and stop (obviously trigger warning on the rest of this piece). I’ll tell you now: There’s nothing particularly insightful or interesting about the piece, which I’m not linking to because GMP is not getting any traffic from me (the relevant bits are copied and pasted below). It’s by a dude who parties a lot, and says that because he’s so inebriated and his partners are so inebriated he just doesn’t know when he has consent or not, so he is probably a rapist (and in fact one woman told him he raped her), but also he’s a good dude and doesn’t really know and this is all so messy, and he likes partying and has just come to realize that a little raping is the price of entry to his lifestyle.

Good Men Project editor Joanna Schroeder then actually manages to make the publication decision more indefensible and despicable by publishing her explanation of why the GMP published a rapist’s story. Again, there’s nothing particularly insightful about it. It’s that Joanna thinks that alcohol and drugs cause rape. Partying makes things confusing, she says, and it’s not a rape victim’s fault exactly, but it’s apparently not a rapist’s fault exactly either. Because these things are so confusing and messy and murky! And we must talk about it and figure out why rapist rape!

Good Men Project editor Joanna Schroeder then actually manages to make the publication decision more indefensible and despicable by publishing this, her explanation of why the GMP published a rapist’s story. Again, there’s nothing particularly insightful about it. It’s that Joanna thinks that alcohol and drugs cause rape. Partying makes things confusing, she says, and it’s not a rape victim’s fault exactly, but it’s apparently not a rapist’s fault exactly either. Because these things are so confusing and messy and murky! And we must talk about it and figure out why rapist rape! Continue reading

Posted in Rape Culture, Sexual Assault | Tagged , , , | 438 Comments

Your must-read for the day, and some scattered thoughts on sex

Everything about this interview is fantastic. The interviewer, the interviewee, the questions, the answers… it is really really really fantastic. [Trigger warning at that link for description of sexual assault]. Continue reading

Posted in Sex | Tagged , , | 53 Comments

Children will teach you about helplessness – and not only children

My paternal grandfather died a long, protracted death. Seven years of dying, to be exact. He struggled with diabetes, and diabetes took its time with him. One amputation, then losing his eyesight, then a second amputation. Me sitting next to his rocking chair, reading newspapers out loud to him, his mouth set in a thin line. He hated hospitals, and wanted to come home to die. He knew it would be more painful and difficult, but that was his final wish. His dying days probably taught me more about parenthood than any book, or any well-meaning article along the lines of “should children be allowed in bars.” Continue reading

Posted in General | Tagged , , , | 31 Comments

The Problem With Purity

Better feminists than I have written entire books on this topic (see The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women), but damn if this Hairpin interview with a lapsed Christian virgin doesn’t illustrate just how messed up “purity” messages can make young women. Continue reading

Posted in Gender, relationships, Religion, Sex | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments

BDSM’s Rape Problem And How To Fix It: Summary Of “There’s A War On” Series

In a podcast after Not What We Do , I declared that I’m not going to do BDSM community PR. We have problems. We have at least as much of a rape culture within as the mainstream, and I’m not going to shut up about it. This post summarizes what I said at the Yes Means Yes Blog, in a seven part series that ran 21,000 words. The original, full posts are at these links: Continue reading

Posted in Crime, Feminism, Rape Culture, Sex, Sexual Assault | Tagged , , , , | 61 Comments

No Touching: Boundary-Setting and the Holidays

This is a very good article about allowing kids to set their own physical boundaries, and using the holiday season as a chance to work on that practice: As a mother, I can relate to the embarrassment that a parent … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays & Celebrations | Tagged , | 115 Comments

Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What’s Missing

This was originally posted over at Clarisse’s personal blog in 2009. I am fortunate. I was born in the eighties and I received a great sex-positive upbringing. The public school I attended taught students how to use condoms; middle school … Continue reading

Posted in Education, relationships, Sex, Sexual Assault | Tagged , , , | 36 Comments

The body as home

When I found out I was pregnant, there were a small handful of things that I wanted to make sure I did with my child: reading books, going on walks, and having an appreciation for adventure and discovery. I didn’t … Continue reading

Posted in General | Tagged | 29 Comments

Dealbreaker indeed.

This article about a lady whose dude wouldn’t go down on her is very good, and you should read it. But here’s the part that interests me most: While Robert had abandoned cunnilingus after one sour taste, I had no … Continue reading

Posted in Gender, Sex | Tagged , | 766 Comments

Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse

Years ago, when I first started thinking about BDSM and abuse, I — like a lot of feminist BDSMers — was defensive. We get scared of the accusation that “BDSM is always abuse” … and we’re accustomed to accusations from … Continue reading

Posted in Dating, Domestic Violence, relationships, Sex | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

How my life wasn’t always Happy Fun Boundaries Are Perfect Land

A reader recently sent me an email in which they said: i know you have always had clear boundaries with yourself (at least how you have described yourself) Well. I guess I’ve had a pretty good sense of my boundaries, … Continue reading

Posted in relationships, Sex | Tagged , , | 49 Comments